Mouse-capades! :)

i have been SO incredibly busy and single-minded so far this month!  My good friend Princess Kitty makes her own line of kitty-gear, related to but different from my own, and she has a booth this year at our huge local anime convention at the end of this month.  She has kindly offered to take a bunch of my hand-crocheted cuddle-mice with her, and sell them for me in her booth!  *wiggles with glee*  So i’ve been making mice, both with squeakers and without, almost constantly, in an effort to get as many of the little guys out there to be seen and adopted by kitty girls and boys as i possibly can with only this short amount of production time.  While this has been going on, i have also had2 custom cuddle mouse orders, and 1 custom mini-mouse, and an very exciting order for a costume, faux-fur, kitty ears/tail/paws set!  It’s been a happy, busy time for me; and with all the work i’ve been putting into getting my Etsy store up and going as well, i’ve maybe started to feel just a tad overwhelmed.

But i’m thrilled to be making so much progress at last, after all i have been through to even have the opportunity, i am just really grateful right now.  Of course, i want business to pick up even more with the store, but i’m also fairly content with the start i’ve gotten this month…it’s an encouraging sign, and it’s kept me busy and hoping.

Tonight, i bit the bullet and on PK’s advice, purchased a ton of business cards from Vistaprint.  i had to pay extra to have any hope of getting them here in time for the convention, (i REALLY need for them to get here in time!!  *crosses paws for luck*)  and i had to use one of their stock designs, instead of my own design, (yes, i did manage to design a business card for myself that i like!) but i still got a very pretty card out of it, and was able to order a total of 500 cards, with rush shipping, for less than what half as many cards would have cost if i had purchased them from the seller i had originally wanted…with my own design.  In the future, i hope to buy all my business cards from a seller on Etsy, so i can help support the small business dreams of someone else, as i work toward my own, but this first time, i had to think about the cost first and foremost.

Still, i am happy with myself, i think.  i stopped wasting time waffling back and forth about the whole issue, and just DID it, finally.  i now have my first real set (not home-made or home-printed) of business cards coming, and if they do manage to get here on time, i will be able to give some to PK for her booth at the convention, and i will have plenty to save and use for myself and the online store as well.

i’m working on more custom items tonight, and finishing up a batch of mice for the con.  i’m tired, but it’s all finally beginning to feel real to me.  My store is UP, i am getting orders and turning out product, slowly, but surely, and this convention may be a big help to me as well.

It is a good start!  🙂






Good Beginnings

i know it’s been forever, and i’m still struggling with my health, but i weigh 89 pounds, even after being sick the past couple days, and while i’d love to be gaining weight…at this time of year, just not losing makes me pretty darn happy.  My fears and phobias are still making life interesting and difficult, but i am THRILLED to be divorced, happy to be free to follow my own dreams and desires, and as scared as i still am, i have HOPE.  And this time the hope seems real, and not delusional.

Believe it or not, after so incredibly LONG waiting and hoping and begging and pleading and arguing and working and crying… that my ex-husband, the anti-hubby, is HISTORY and he can’t stop me….NOW, i am finally able to take those small-seeming steps that are so HUGE to me.  NOW….i’m finally getting some of the things i make, up in my own on-line store!!!  It’s slow, and i have lots to learn about taking pictures and editing them, as well as all the other things you learn as you go in the on-line world….but my kitty-hats are where i have started, and though there will soon be much more to choose from, there are already some nice kitty-ear hats, scarves, and gloves/paws in my store!

This step seems so small, but it means more than i can say; in fact, i am too emotional to talk about it!  🙂  So i’m going to try to add the link to my store in this post…let’s see if it will work!

For me, this is a good beginning.


Ow, ow, ow.

Ok, so this weather officially sucks.

The crazy, up and down, temperatures are making me and pretty much everyone i know SICK.  i’ve been sick in one way or another pretty much all month, and i’m worn out and feeling pretty darn grouchy about it.  To top it off, i get any real exercise at all, particularly the fun kind, and i end up sore and hurting so badly that i can’t sleep.  My bones ache on the days it’s cold, badly enough to effect things like walking normally and gripping objects with my hands.  Last night and today, i have felt like little-whiny-person tape accompanying my every movement with sound effects, like “Ow, ow—ow!”.

i want very much to feel better.

i want to get things DONE around here, like clean the bathroom, deal with maintenance, sweep, mop, and many, many more things too.  i NEED to get to J&FS, so i can get the whole health insurance issue worked out.  (i hope)  And i want to get my kitty gear up and in my online store as well!  But i am constantly exhausted and i feel sick.  *large pout*  i want to go to a halloween party, or go to a haunted house or something….will i possibly feel better in time?

Geez, i hope so.


Excuse the Technical Difficulties

My computer just totally went down for about a month,  so a lot has happened since i wrote here last.  For one thing, i am totally and legally DIVORCED!!!  🙂  The problems with the lawyer got straightened out, and he really came through for me.  i’m so glad it’s all over…there are no words for the relief i feel.  i’m still struggling financially, and have no insurance at the moment, but there are some really hopeful things in the wind with SSI, that might help with that soon.  *crosses paws*

The court date went well; i had friends with me, and for once, the excitement and relief i was feeling overpowered the fear.  The anti-hubby is now my ex for good, and though we did not speak or get near one another, he did take the time to put all my old photos on a disc and return them to me through my lawyer.  That was a final kindness on his part that made me glad i’d gotten together a little shoe-box of things i thought he might want back and return them through his lawyer.  That day, i did not feel sorry for him.  Though he looked bad, and as though he was having his own rough time, i felt mostly nerves, relief, and triumph that i had come this far, stuck with it, and gotten my freedom at last.

In the weeks since, i have found the capacity within myself to sometimes feel sad for him…to hope that he is facing his real demons and making life better for himself and those close to him.  Once or twice, i have even felt for a second, like if he doesn’t do anymore to hurt or trouble me, i could probably forgive him in the long run…which i find myself surprised but happy to feel.  (even for a second)  i’m not ready to forgive him now…but i don’t like being an angry or hateful person, and it’s a relief to me to know that someday i won’t need to hold on to the anger or the hurt.  Someday i might be able to forgive him completely and let the bitterness go.  That would be good.

Sometime…but not right now.  🙂

Now is for just living in my own skin and getting used to the feeling of relief and joy and possibility.  Now is for continuing to see how i like living on my own, (it’s been about a year now, can you believe it!?!) and getting to know myself, my wants, and my needs…and even my likes, better.

At this point, i’m finally free to say and do what i want without fear it will be somehow used against me in court to make me look bad…and that leaves me thinking about where i want to go with this blog and this site.  Where did i want it to go to begin with?  Can i write about kitty-play, BDSM, and Therian-related things in a public forum?  Am i brave enough to do that?  Do i still want to?  Or do i want to make this blog solely about my kitty-business and the costuming and gear i love to make?

Where do i want to go from here, now that the sky is the limit?

That is the question, isn’t it?  🙂

Sleep Tight,


Kill all the lawyers?

i’m beginning to understand why so many people say all lawyers should be strangled.

i am knee-deep in shit i don’t understand, and i’m running around like a chicken with my head cut-off, trying to get all my stupid ducks in a row in time for the last court date this month.  But my lawyer is being a real, super-duper ASS all the sudden, is not communicating anything important with or to me about what i’m supposed to be agreeing to, and today he fucking BAWLED ME OUT for calling and trying to talk to him!

i won’t even get into the shit the disability lawyers seem to be trying to pull on me.

i feel very much at the mercy of a system i don’t understand, and men i can’t seem to actually trust.

And the anti-hubby appears about to get away with most of the shit he’s pulled, and even get the settlement he wanted…and i hardly seem to get a vote at all.

i’m praying this all works out for the best, (for me) and i’m driving everyone crazy with questions about the details and the paperwork, in an attempt to not find myself stuck agreeing to something i DON’T agree to.  But damn, i can’t get over the very obvious feeling that i am being screwed.

i am losing weight again, damn it…this is too much stress.

i made it to the dentist today, though, and got a lot of work done, and worked out some good-faith payments plans with the dentist himself.  i may not be screwed on that front, at least.   Go me.


i want to crawl under a rock, i am so tired….or maybe just smash things…i need rest and a serious outlet.  i was so angry and scared after my lawyer bawled me out, i shook for hours tonight.

i will NOT feel guilty for being proactive and concerned about my own case.  i will force myself to be as calm and harmless as i can around him, but i WILL get some answers and get my needs heard on this case, or i will stand up in court at the last hearing and throw a wrench in everything by simply saying i don’t agree with what my lawyer has laid out.

i will be nice, i will be nice, i will be nice.  (repeat it enough; i might manage i)  i will look innocent and stupid if i have to, but i will do all i can to get the terms i can live with.

But LORD, i really, REALLY need some rest and some piece of mind.  i can’t take anymore of this uber-high stress level.

*lays head on paws*

i wish this was easier,



Tonight is just…hard.

i’ve been doing Ok since the last court date, despite all the uncertainty and serious lack of answers for the coming court date.  (the last one, thank God)  i’ve even been out on the motorcycle more with Wolf, and it’s been great…i’m getting more comfortable, i think, each time, and the fact that he understands how i love to ride, regardless of my fears, is a real joy to me.  It’s nice to know you don’t have to explain your passion for something once in awhile…it’s nice that he just “gets” it.  🙂  i found a perfect little leather jacket for me, at a local second hand store, and it fits so well and is so comfortable that i’m in love with the thing.  i hand-scrubbed it with a soft cloth and soap and water, rubbed it dry, and then lathered and buffed it with the old bottle of leather lotion i’ve kept around for years for my shoes and toys.  It helped clean it up so much!  i’m so happy about that; it’s alsways nice to find ways to get things clean that don’t include spending more money.  (especially since i am broke)  We tested the jacket (because i originally got it for riding, but now i’ll probably wear it a lot of the time in general) on the highway, and THAT was an experience!  i’d been on the highway before, but we rode at speeds between 55 and 65, and while it was a rush and a challenge for my neck, it was also really nice because i could still look around and see and enjoy my surroundings.  Well, Wolf decided to try me out at faster speeds, and i had no idea why the ride was different, because i couldn’t move my head enough to see the speedometer, but i figured we had to be going faster than normal because i couldn’t move my head around without major discomfort.  (i had to keep my head right behind his, to not be knocked around by the wind)  And sure enough, when we came home from the ride and i stumbled in a giddy stupor off the back of the bike, he told me that we had been up at 100 miles an hour on the highway.  i was more than a little stunned, and strangely happy…i’ve never even gone that fast in a car!  And he kept marveling at the way he said i “din’t flinch”, which really made me feel good at heart.  i fear so many things in’s hard to explain why the fear i feel at times on a bike doesn’t usually faze me…or even the oddity that there are times on a bike where i actually feel no fear at all…even when i probably should.  There just is not explaining that.

But Wolf understands it, and he really does see that there is iron in me, despite the obvious outside layers of fear and weakness…and i cherish that in ways i simply don’t have words for.  And though i don’t want to go at speeds so fast very often, i truly do cherish the memory of that ride as well….the rush…the trust…the giving myself over to whatever was going to happen…and the fact that i DID it.

i have lost or given up so many things in the time i spent with the anti-hubby, and to not only have my life-long dream of riding back, but to be DOING it…and to be moving slowly closer to maybe one day riding on my own as well….that is a miracle i treasure!  🙂

But tonight is hard.

It is filling up with the worry and stress of the coming days and weeks, as things come down to the wire with SSI, spousal support, and the final days of my divorce.  Things feel dangerously close to a rolling cluster-fuck in my world, as i try to get my ducks in some sort of row before the last court appearance..the one that decides what i will get; what i will live on, and FINALLY officializes this divorce once and for all.  SSI gave me money, but did so without making any actual determination as to my status or case, and now they want the money back, because of the confusing and erratic way the anti-hubby has been paying..and not paying my spousal support.  (luckily, i anticipated this, and haven’t spent a dime of the SSI money, but i am totally broke without it, if Mr. Crazy Pants doesn’t pay this month)  Then i got legal paperwork in the mail telling me i needed to provide documentation to my lawyer and the court before the 10-15, but the center pages were MISSING, so i have no idea WHAT papers i’m supposed to supply!

This month, starting this week, is going to be filled with so much bullshit, and the cramming of so many last-minute things into my last month with insurance, that i litterally vibrate with the stress and fear it is all bringing up in me.  There’s the vet for the dog, multiple dental visits for me, SSI appointments to make and papers to straighten out, and Lawyer appointments to make and paperwork and all to straighten out there as well.  And somewhere in all the back and forth, i have to verify EXACTLY how long the insurance will cover me and when it will end, and also get my ass out to Job and Family Services again, to re-apply for health insurance through them.

It is, i hope, the last month i will have to endure with such complete uncertainty as to how i will live, and what i can expect in the future in the basics of food, clothing, shelter and medical needs….i hope the end of this month will see the beginning of real and manageable stability for me….but it is going to be a hard last step to take.  A hard and confusing jungle of details i will have to slog through, and i feel the weight of it pressing down on me.

i will hang in there.  i will continue to make goals a day at a time, and keep working at meeting those goals.  i will distract myself as best i can with good and happy things tonight…and any night i reasonably can..and i WILL persevere.  i am nearing the end of that road i barely dared believe i could take…it is almost officially over and the law will finally reflect what my heart has felt for a long, long time.  i will be free of him.  i will find my way, with help, with friends, with love…but NOT with HIM..not ever again.

For that…i will endure this hardest month, and maybe i will get very lucky and find that it will not be so hard at all.

i have made it SO FAR; farther than i sometimes thought possible.  i’m not going to roll over and give up now.  i have life to live, for as long as God sees fit to bless me with it, and dog-gone-it, i’m not wasting anymore of it!  Though the last 8 months have been stressful and scary, they have been wonderful and enjoyable too.

i have LIFE again.

The anti-hubby can KISS MY ASS.


Surprises, surprises!

i made it to court, and though i’m glad i made it once again, they didn’t seem to need me for much.  It went surprisingly badly, and my lawyer is suddenly telling me that the judge probably won’t give me half of what we were counting on…which was not much to begin with, but it was ENOUGH, and the possible halving of that leaves me with no way to make the bills.  So that’s fucking terrifying…but i’m going to have a conference with my lawyer and talk some things over with him…and i have some hope it will improve the situation.  *crosses fingers/paws carefully*

The UTI turned out NOT to be an infection at all, but is now thought to be cystitis….and that’s a whole new and interesting ball of wax to deal with, but that may offer me more hope in the long run than i originally thought.  i have to see my new doc and learn more about it, to know for sure.

i made it to the dentist as well, and started the HUGE process of all the big dental work i need done before the end of September and the end of my insurance plan..and i paid out SCARY LARGE amounts of money in advance to do it..but i needed to use the money for this while i had it, or some other emergency would come up and i’d be shit out of luck.  So, i bit the bullet, and i’m nervous, but mostly happy with the fact that i am paid up for now, and really getting things DONE!  🙂

AND, i finally got the eye exam i so desperately needed, through the Vision USA program, and i went in today and saw the NICEST eye-doctor!  It turns out that the light-sensitivity is nothing to worry about, (just wear sunglasses a lot) and i was not imagining all the pain in my eyes and head, i just needed GLASSES for close-up things now!  i was so surprised, but oddly pleased.  It’s great to know there’s nothing serious wrong with my eyesight, and it was even better to realize that the program i qualified for got me one pair of glasses for $20!  And they are nice frames that fit me great!  Until my new glasses come in next week, i have to wear my old glasses from way back when i was a teen, but i’m OK with that…i’m glad i saved them all this time, even though they aren’t really as strong as what i need now..they still help.  i’m just so relieved and glad about that right now.

i got both the kitty commissions i was so worried about, finished and out to their proper owners, AND i got some new hand-made kitty pendants in trade that i want to sell on some of the collars i make, and i got the cuddle mice out to my Kitten friend who likes to try selling them at her booth at the various conventions she is starting to go to.  It was such a big load off my mind to finally get so much of that stuff all done and finished for now.  All the appointments and deadlines and bills have really been getting to me.  i’m extremely glad i get the weekend to rest, (i think) before it all starts again.

My eyes have not adjusted to the glasses yet, so i’m done typing for tonight.

But even with all the things i’m nervous about…i’m also feeling satisfied, relieved, and GRATEFUL.

Grateful, grateful, GRATEFUL.  🙂


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