Pity day..and a new friend.

i guess today was self pity day.  i couldn’t sleep last night, anti-hubby went off to a party tonight and i stayed home all bored and lonely, and i still haven’t figured out the kitty-gear-site problem.  And it’s left me feeling sad and pouty all day.

BUT, i started attempting to network and meet new people today, if only over the web, and set up my account at Kittenplay Worldwide and was surprised to find i’d made a new friend inside of a minute!  He’s older than me, not creepy, and felt safe to talk to.  i had a good time chatting on and off today, and talking with him made me hungry, which seems like a good thing.

i made a friend.  One friend.

One friend who lives far away and is older and doesn’t feel like my disability or disadvantages make me less worth talking too or laughing with.  One new friend.  🙂

It may not sound like a lot, but for me, the woman who has been the queen of “lets not take any chances” for the last few years….it’s a big step in a good direction.  i hope i will make more friends, and that i will spend more time seeing and talking to my local friends as well.  i hope that i will learn that it’s OK to chat on-line..and maybe even flirt..and maybe someday i will feel like i’m OK with playing for real or just pretend…but right now all i want is to have taken that one, non-terrifying, step.

i have one new friend.  🙂

 

 

Wah..

i wish i knew what to do.

My moods are all over the place.  One day i’m relieved to be getting a divorce, and the next i’m a crying, frightened mess and i can’t think straight.   i guess this is normal, but it’s damned uncomfortable and i officially don’t like it.  (duh)  The process is freakishly expensive, and trying to get aid for me to live on after the fact is already forcing me to jump through hoops like a circus animal, and…well…kitties don’t like to be coerced into doing tricks for nothing, let me tell you.

And i am REALLY lonely.  Wah..wah..whine cry, i know, i know, shut up…but i am.  The anti-hubby has two Halloween parties to go to this weekend, and friends who are all about cheering him up and showing him a good time, and i have….absolutely no parties to go to.  It sucks…wah..i want to dress up and play for Halloween..or at least have the chance to.  It’s not that my friends don’t love me too, but they have kids and busy lives, and…they just want a rest and a BREAK from doing things.  i know that, and i understand.

But i am still bummed out, lonely, and feeling sorry for myself.

Hopefully, though, i can at least watch movies and eat candy with a friend on Sunday.  i just want to do SOMETHING.

(If my stomach interferes, i will KILL it)

And my kitty gear, OH how i WANT to get out there and sell my kitty gear!  But applying for aid because of this badly timed divorce means i can’t have any income AT ALL, not even the tiny trickle from Katnip Kitty gear going into my bank account, until they tell me what i qualify for.  It’s crazy and stupid!  i can’t make enough to support myself yet, but they won’t let me even TRY while i’m in the paperwork and approval stages.  AFTER they approve me, (if they ever do..) THEN i’m allowed to try and earn something myself, but not BEFORE.  It’s INSANE, and it makes me want to scream and tear my hair out.

The only thing that’s been giving me hope and keeping me sane for some time now, has been the enjoyment of making my kitty gear and related things, and the hope of selling it and making people happy with it.  And now, when i need that hope and little bit of happiness most…i’m forced to stop doing it.  i have to stop before i even got going!!!  And i just want to weep.  For once, i was starting to be happy with something…to really feel like i was doing something of value that i and others could enjoy and share in.  i was even indulging my own personality and my kink, in the only way left open to me…

And now i have to stop?

i have to find a way around this, or i’m going to be a depressed, miserable grouch, on top of being a scared moody woman in the middle of a divorce….and believe me, nobody wants that to happen.  NOBODY.  Grrrrrr.

i just wish i knew what to do.

Divorce

Hubby and i are getting a divorce.

There really is no gentle or easy way to say that.

Honestly, it’s been coming for a long, long time, and i think it surprised my husband when he suggested it (angrily, at the time) and i didn’t try to talk him out of it…i just agreed.

i think it still surprises me too..a little…but only a little.

It’s always sounded so cliché to me when people got a divorce and said things like “we were just too different” or “we just grew apart” or “we  wanted different things”…..but i understand what it means now.  It’s the truth…it’s just that it sounds so bad because it’s an easy way of summing up a thousand things that the people getting the divorce can’t really bear to talk about.  Here, in my journal, i can say, my husband was an abusive, selfish, jack-ass…but he was also a great guy…and it’s a stab in the gut because it’s totally true and nearly impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it.

So when people ask, i will probably say, “he wasn’t the person he used to be..he stopped being the man i married” and “we finally realized that we wanted very different things” or “we are too different  now” or “we just grew apart”…and it will be true too….that IS what it comes down to, but it sounds empty and trite and cliché because it is devoid of all the details of why and how and when and where that neither of us can really manage to drag into the light over and over again.

In the end, we loved each other more than words can say, and it was not enough.  We tried harder than anyone i know, with odds that were stacked against us, and it was not enough.  And i may be able to list out reasons, but none of them ever really add up to WHY.

In the end, neither of us has been remotely happy for a long, long time….not in the overall sense…and it is just time to stop trying to go down with the sinking ship.  i tried.  i was determined to save my marriage at all costs..no matter what i had to change or what i had to give up…i BELIEVED in marriage and in our very unusual love for each other.

But the moment came when i realized it was too much..too far..too long; that it was truly not a marriage i could survive if i stayed.  And then i waited, one last time, in the hopes a miracle would happen and it would change..it would not be true.

But it was true.

And even though Hubby had given up and dropped out of the marriage in spirit a very long time ago, the truth of that fact hadn’t begun to hit him either until recently.  When it did, it was the final gong at the end of an era.

We both agreed that so much has died between us, and that we simply can not be together anymore.  There are so many reasons..reasons i may rant about another time, but now is not the moment for that.

Now is the moment to say i can’t do this anymore.

i am serious.

It is a final decision.

And though i am angry in ways, and mourning the loss and death of a relationship i had hoped would be something so much greater than this…i do not hate him…most of the time.  🙂

We are trying to proceed with the separation and divorce process in as friendly a fashion as we can, and it may take some time to get my affairs in order, as i am disabled and without income….and this whole thing has me on one hell of an emotional roller-coaster….but i still believe it is the best thing to do at this point.

i’m sad to say, i believe it is the only thing we can do.

Thank you to our friends and family for their support.  We both really need it to get through this ridiculously painful and confusing change in our lives.  And please know, that i am going to say some really angry and hateful things about him in here from time to time, but it is venting, and it doesn’t mean that i truly hate him. (i hope i never come to hate him)  i honestly don’t….but i do have a lot of bitterness and pain over all i have been through and all those things most people get pissed about during divorce, that i need to work through.

i am terrified half to death for a million reasons.

i have no idea how i will get by.

And i still feel in my gut that this is the right thing to do.

i am done trying to go down with the ship.

i am done.

 

*Kat*

 

Too much!

TOO MUCH TO DO…BRAIN GOING TO ‘SPLODE!!!!

i am WAY too busy, and things keep going wrong here and there, just enough to make me want to beat my head against a wall and scream for awhile….

BUT..i’m not going into all that.  i had vent time already today.  (thank you Princess Kitty)  The good things today are:

1) i got a good beginning to a gallery page loaded up onto my blog here!  YAY!  🙂  2) i got to talk to PK, and it’s been awhile because of both of us being crazy busy.  3) i learned what i need to do to get a P.O. box today…and there is much to do..but it’s a start.  4)  Hubby fought with our printer to try to get my business cards to print. (still not working..)  5) i learned FINALLY how to get photoshop to let me move the lighting effects to the place and size i want it, so i am now on the road to making myself happy with photos for the “other” shop, and getting that poor, neglected shop up and selling…YAY!  6) i am going to stop NOW, before my eyeballs fall out, and go eat and do something else and attempt to RELAX…which i have been not doing enough of the last two days.

i am a tense little kitty.  Grrr.

So..i am telling myself, i AM making progress, and it IS good enough, damn it, so i need to let myself breathe for at least a couple hours.  🙂

Food and Monk….and a furry pillow.

 

A bit of a hard time…

This weekend was good, in that i actually took two days and curled up on the couch with a fluffy blanket and a furry pillow and watched endless hours of Monk on netflix…and i let myself have real time to NOT WORK.  That was a good thing, and a break i have really needed to give myself.  The weekend was bad, in that we had planned to go camping (the first i’ve been able to THINK of doing so in a couple of years or so now) and we didn’t because the in-laws called it off unexpectedly.  And we had planned to go to a friends “Big Lebowski” bowling and movie party if the camping fell through, (again, something i haven’t been able to even think about doing for a long time, and i was really looking forward to) and we couldn’t go do that either, because Hubby was sick to his stomach (has been for more than a week now) and i was just plain too chicken to go on my own.  *sigh*

i am disappointed in my self, and yet, i’m also glad that at least i relaxed a little.

Last week, i got my first kitty gear pictures anywhere finally put up on my furaffinity page, which is quite a big deal for me, as i’m scared to death to let anybody see any of my work.  The feedback so far has been extremely positive.  (yay!)  And today, i got my business card emailed to my friend who is going to make a template for me and print a few…so i learned how to attach something to an email today.  (another small miracle)

i’ve done three loads of laundry, and bargained and talked to my favorite fur-seller all afternoon, until we got a great set of nice furs that i can use to get more kitty gear made, all within the price of the commission i did for a friend last week.  i haven’t got a penny left, but since it was all supposed to go to Katnip Kitty store materials and expenses, i feel like i did the right thing.  But it’s frustrating that i can’t save any portion of the money for myself yet…i wish i could, but i just need materials too badly.  Eventually i will make a little for me…i just have to try and be patient.  (and have confidence….um..right.)

Hubby being sick for so long is making me paranoid about food, and i’m still struggling with not feeling like i’m getting enough done, and yet needing to slow down and take care of myself.  For the past couple of days, i’ve found it harder and harder not to get depressed about everything.  i’m hoping it’s just a funk, and that achieving some things today will help me feel better tomorrow.

But i have to remember that it’s time for me to stop working for the night, and give myself time to relax at least a little.  And tomorrow, i need to try and get back on my schedule with morning meditation, which i skipped like a naughty girl today.  🙂

humf….

*Kat*

I DID IT! :)

i FINALLY posted some pictures somewhere of at least a little of my work!  YAY!  It took me forever to get my courage up, but i did it, and i’m so glad.  Pictures will soon be in a gallery page i make for my blog here, but in the meantime, i have some posted at this community here

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/katnipkitty/

They are very nice over there, and have been really encouraging so far…so feel free to visit over there.  My pictures are in my gallery on that page.  🙂

So far, i’ve been learning LOADS about photoshop, (for me) and i feel like i’m at least getting somewhere now.  It’s starting to not feel impossible anymore.  Just frustrating when i can’t figure out how to do something.

Right now, i feel the need for lots of food!  Or at least a decent amount of it.  More talking later…food ho!

 

*Kat*

 

Short Version…

Up too late tonight.

Got through the hubby’s camping weekend fine.

WISH he would do some damn DISHES, and that we had more food i could eat in this house!

Happy that potatoes are nummy and some things are feeling safer to me.

i have some big scheduling/behavior changes that i am working through.  (more on that later…i’m sleepy)

And i learned how to make picture-in-picture collage images in photoshop..finally…and the rough photos for my gallery that a good squirrel friend helped me take are done and ready to put up!  i think they are a good start toward at least showing my work, even if they aren’t as polished as i would like to make them.  i’m new, i’m learning, and i think they look pretty good for a beginner.  (but i did have help taking the shots, and a borrowed camera..i had to edit half the pics i took myself out…)  *sigh*  Where would i be without the help of friends?  🙂

i am amazed at how different cameras take better pictures in completely different ways, and totally different lights from each other.

i got the bookshelf moved, the dining room table moved, and decorated with what i have for Halloween.  (YAY!)

i am doing OK…just want snack and sleeeeeeeep…..

 

*Kat*

 

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