New ring; New Symbolism

Anti-hubby came back from his vacation last night, and while i’m happy he had a good time while he was gone, and i actually had a good time here myself while he was away….his return has sent me into a bit of a funk.

i went from happy to way too depressed to move in less than one night.  It’s just frustrating.  But the good part is, i know it will pass once i get over the shock.

The shock was that he had taken off his wedding ring and begun acting like a single person BEFORE he went on his vacation, and didn’t bother to tell me about it until he got back.  Now, i’m not upset he took off the ring, or that he’s getting on with life…it’s just that it felt deceptive and somehow hit me harder because i wasn’t quite ready to take that step myself yet.  Almost…but not quite.  In a way, taking off my wedding ring is much harder than i think signing the actual divorce papers will be.  The ring is physical, it is here now, and it has always been a sacred symbol to me.  Paperwork is just paperwork, in a way, but the rings…those seem more real.

But, in truth, we are already divorced in our hearts, and i have to face the pain of that and let it go.  So, while i couldn’t force myself to eat or get my ass out of bed for the first half of the day, i DID choose to do something about my ring-related depression and shock.  i spent Cyber-Monday searching for a ring with the right symbolism for me, to replace the naked spot my wedding band will leave when i remove it.  And after lots of debating and searching, i found a nice, simple ring, that today’s super-sales actually left me able to afford.

i found this:

 

 

This is silver, simple, affordable, and it still has sparklies in it…which i MUST have!  🙂  (kitty likes the sparklies to stare at and play with)  And it’s a good symbol for both the kitty and the BDSM/submissive part of myself that has gone so misused and so unfulfilled in this relationship.  For me, it will be a reminder that i know what i want and who i am in at least this much, and that i am owning my own right/desire to get those needs met.  In place of a ring of commitment to my ex, i will have a ring of commitment to myself, and to that part of myself that i most need to acknowledge now.

And i like the fact that it makes the statement that i am kinky, but without screaming “HERE I AM COME SCREW ME!” to everyone i meet.  Right now, i need to own myself, and to re-learn how to flirt, how to talk, how to get to know people and have fun again.  So i feel good that my declaration of kinky/sub-ness will not be a billboard in the red-light district.  (so to speak)  It was hard to find a buckle ring in my size that wasn’t WAY over the top.  But i really do like this one.

When it comes, in a couple days, i will take off my wedding band and start the process of setting my mind and heart to move on from there.

It seems like that should be easy by now.  But even though it IS what i want…it is not easy to do.

 

*Kat*

Thanksgiving

So, i’m doing OK so far with anti-hubby gone for a holiday vacation with his family.  My tummy has been a little weird, but nothing bad so far, and i’ve been able to take care of the dog, cats, and myself just fine so far.  (knock on wood)  i didn’t get to make my tofurkey today because i forgot to THAW it, but that’s OK too…i’m learning, and i still had plenty to eat.  i’m going to give the tofurkey gravy a try tomorrow.  (i’m thawing it in the fridge over-night)  So, i have the option to stretch my holiday food-goodness out for a few more days.

It’s funny…he’s been gone only two days, and despite my nervousness at being alone, i’ve already been eating quite a bit more than usual.  Further proof to myself that i probably WILL finally gain weight and feel better after i am safely in my own place.

Today has been a day of having fun creating with my crocheted kitty hat/scarf/mittens sets, and i’ve starting adding the finishing touches to them…which is fun for me to.  i have 7 sets nearly ready to go to Princess Kitty for pictures, and i’m feeling extremely thankful for that.

Right now, i’m SO thankful for friends, family, my service dog and the kitties, my kitty friends, and for the hope and peace i’m feeling at the moment.  i know there will still be many ups and downs, but today was a nice, peaceful, happy day…and i even got to feel halfway healthy.  Even with things how they are..i still have lots to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving!  🙂

 

*Kat*

 

Kitty Goodness…

i’ve got to get my butt off to sleep, but i wanted to note that despite the last few days feeling like an emotional roller coaster, i actually got to work on making some more winter-wear kitty hat/scarf/mitten-paws sets!  i’m happy to be able to feel like creating again, and thrilled that getting some more kitty hats done is actually bringing me some pleasure again.  Pleasure is hard to come by for me right now, so i’m happy when i get a healthy dose of it.

My friend Princess Kitty is going to sell some of my crochet-kitty-work in her on-line store, which gives me hope again, in a situation that was fast becoming painfully frustrating for me.  i LOVE to make things, and want to get my web-store up and running, but the divorce has thrown a huge wrench in all that for now…so having a best friend give me a leg up getting some of my winter kitty gear out there for the christmas season is a huge chunk of much needed hope.  🙂

It’s just nice to be making things again.  Nerves and all.

i’m very lucky to have best friends who are like sisters to me.  Very, very lucky…and i’m very thankful.

 

*Kat*

Stupid

Anti-hubby told me tonight that he disliked me sometimes.

Ok…and stupid me now can’t sleep over it.  i’m divorcing the man, yet i’m losing sleep over the idea that he doesn’t like me, and i KNEW he hasn’t liked me for a very long time.  So why is it keeping me awake?

Because it hurt.

It’s stupid, but it still hurts…and i’m lonely and feel like no one wants me..like no one WILL want me.

Thank God it’s just a feeling, and it will go away with time and happy experiences.  It should not bother me…what he thinks should not bother me…not after all he’s done to me.

So why does it still hurt?

 

*Kat*

Bleh…

i feel sick tonight…bleh.

Thank God, and Mystee, for good books to read.

And i really NEED some easy Vegan cookbooks…..

 

*Kat*

Progress at last!

After three weeks of trying with no result, i determined that i would NOT be put off, and i sat on hold, yesterday, for 20 minutes, until a REAL PERSON actually got on the line and talked to me!  Job and Family Services finally talked to me!  And they are mailing me all the paperwork i have to fill out, and then i can get a case-worker and find out what aid i qualify for.  My foot is finally in the door here, and i feel like things are moving in the right direction!  YAY!  🙂

i also got the paperwork about my old 38 thousand dollar school loan, and although it hasn’t officially been permanently forgiven *pout* i HAVE made it past the first hurdle, and the first committee to consider it HAS declared my loan forgiven.  Unfortunately, they are sending it to a SECOND committee, and they must approve it too, and if they DO, then i will be in temporary forgiveness for 3 years as a trial period, while ANOTHER committee will monitor my income and if i don’t go over the poverty line for a family of two in those 3 years, THEN my loan will be forgiven PERMANENTLY.  So, there are still several hurdles to jump, but it IS going in the right direction, and it cheers and helps me to know that i’m not incurring yet more interest and debt, while they consider things.

Yesterday, i packed 3 boxes for moving, and today i washed a load of dishes, (i have given up on waiting for anti-hubby to do any..i’m washing mine so i can pack them)  and i packed another box.  So a good start has been made, and i feel less and less like this is going to break me.  Yes, sometimes it’s unbearable hard, and yes it hurts sometimes, and yes, i am scared….but i am also happy about it sometimes, and feel like i might get to have a life again…a real chance to make what i want of my life…somehow.

At the very least, the only person breaking my dishes will be me.  🙂

i’m not looking forward to the loneliness, but i am looking forward to being able to do what i want when and where i want, without fear of pissing anti-hubby  off and having to deal with a fight..over and over.

i either want to re-paint my TV cabinet or find a second-hand one that is just light or unfinished wood…no more black, please.

i’m looking forward eagerly to my bedspread coming…i’m so cold all the time lately, even under the covers!  Eeeep!  (not to mention, it’s supposed to be sort of furry, and i can’t wait to feel it and see how soft and comfy it is!!  *kitty knead*)

i ought to do something a little fun today…maybe i can work on a tail…i’ve been wanting to for days and days and haven’t had time.  MMmmm, furry goodness…yep..maybe i will cuddle under the couch covers and do that.

 

*Kat*

Calmer…

Yay for calming down!  🙂

My friend i was so rabidly worried about is doing better and is slowly getting a better handle on things, and her current men-folk are being sterling about it and really helping her.  Men can have incredibly stupid moments, but i’m SO glad the at least a couple of the men in her life have very FEW of those moments.

So, i can calm down and be less rabid about the whole thing.  i’m just so relieved she’s OK, and that she’s not giving up on her kitty-ness, because i know it brought her so much joy.  It will just take time to get that feeling back.

Apparently there’s a pretty nasty stomach bug running around in our area now…which of course terrifies me…but i’ll find out what i can about it and if i panic, i’ll try to panic later.  Who knows, maybe i won’t even panic at all.  That would be nice.  🙂

And i want to write LOADS about it, but i think other people might not be as thrilled as i am with office supplies today, so i’ll just say that Hematite came over for a short time today and brought me some color-coded organizational GOODNESS!!!  i am awash in pink, purple and green, and i really feel like i might be able to get some of my papers and numbers and records in some kind of actual reasonable order now…which will help enormously in the long run.  It was VASTLY more than i had asked for, and was absolutely generous and perfect!  Hematite, i can’t thank you enough!  And i had fun talking too!  🙂

i feel in a better mood, and i need to make myself go eat, because i failed to eat so far today from all the mood ups and downs i was having.

Man, some days are just crazy, but i’m glad i feel calmer now.

 

*Kat*

Previous Older Entries