Ungh..pain.

i have a migraine so bad tonight that my ears are ringing.  It has been a bad, difficult day.  But i got to talk to …well i don’t know how to refer to him here yet…but it helped me relax and smile some.  It’s good to be cared about, and to feel petted and wanted as a person and a kitty…even if it’s only for a little while at a time.

And who knows, maybe my head-ache medicine will actually work this time around, and i’ll feel much better soon?  That would be cool.  🙂

 

*Katnip*

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Something accomplished

i feel somewhat accomplished tonight.  Tired of anti-hubby’s shit already, and dealing with the upset stomach to prove it, but still..i feel like i’ve accomplished something.  🙂

i made two different styles of kitty ear, for an indecisive commission, and happily, she is at least buying the furry pair i made her and seems quite happy with them.  (knock on wood)  i messed with pictures and photoshop for half the day, but i’m learning, and i figured out what i needed to.  (thank heaven)

i took the first step down the exciting road to the secret project i am beginning work on.  YAY!  And i realized that one of my most favorite kink/fetish stores will pay me to have a nice link to them on my blog…which tickles me, because i would love to make sure more people knew about them…and i started researching what i would need to do to make my site one that is allowed and able to support adds and links on select topics in the future.  And i scrounged enough small change from a shipping refund to manage to order new hair clips for the kitty-ears, as i am out now, and in desperate need.  (i was so happy to have been able to put that tiny bit of money to good use, and just in time, too!)

It sounds like so little, but it’s amazing how much time it takes just to get that much done!  But then, some of it will get faster as i become more computer savvy.

There’s more to do…but i’m making progress, and i’m glad.  i couldn’t bear it, i think, if i had made none at all today.  i think i really needed a little boost.

 

*Katnip*

 

 

Holy Shit…too much tension!

The anti-hubby came back from vacation today, and everything just went downhill from there.  We fought almost from the moment he came home, (which sucks, because i was actually trying to be nice to him) and then i had a conflict with a best friend, (which turned out fine..it was just stressful for us both) and then as soon as she left, the ex and i ended up fighting again!  For the LOVE OF PETE!!!  i did NOT need him to go all paranoid and ass-holey today.

Food has not been much of an option today, and i feel like a rung out rag.

Thankfully, my friend and i might not be great at arguing, but we DO make up, and we don’t treat each other like dirt when we’re pissed.  But damn…the ex can make me feel like the biggest bitch there ever was, in 3 seconds flat.  He leaves me feeling like such a horrible person.  It’s awful.  i literally collapsed in the floor crying before he “got it” that i just could not take anymore of his anger and finally stopped himself and looked at me like i was a person, and not dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

Then he hugged me and apologized and went for a walk to calm down.  i got in bed to try and get a grip on myself, and he came back and told me a story from a movie he watched while he was with his family.  It helped.  i can breathe now.  And now he’s asleep in his own bed, and i’m stuck awake with a sick tummy.  But at least i’m not hysterical anymore.

i just can NOT take living with that man.

i would like, respect, tranquility, and love in any future relationships, please.  Kink and BDSM too…sure, but the loving kind please…not the ass-hole-kind.

i hope tomorrow is better.

 

*katnip*

 

Steps…

So aside from irritation, confusion, and conflict, (which is smaller than it feels, and i’m sure will be fine after we have a good grouch at each other and establish better what will make us both more comfortable and happier…thank God friends can argue and it still end up alright!)  and stomach yuckies that are pissing me off.  (any time now, stomach, you can become the happy, unruffled, stomach-of-steel..really.)  i feel like i’m actually making some progress today.  🙂

i applied for and qualified for a paypal debit card with my account, which should allow me to earn a little money through any shop i set up, without it being automatically transferred to my bank account.  i called and verified this with the company, and it looks like this might be the answer for me in several ways.  So, i also set up the initial steps for my KatnipKitty store…i have lots of details still to fill in and a banner to make and all before i can list things, but i’m happy that i now have a way to receive payment when i’m ready, and also glad to find that i CAN have two stores up at the same time, without them being connected.  It was a great boost for me, today, to try to open this new store, and to have it actually WORK and accept me into the system!  So now, with some time and a whole lot more effort, i may end up able to have both stores running at some point.  (but i will focus on the Kitty store here, because they two stores are different in theme, and not related…the other is more mundane)

Lots of ifs, still…and lots of things i still need, in order to get up and running, but if i can just have some freaking patience, (not big on patience right now) i think it may eventually fall into place and give me a chance.  Which would be great.

But i’m still scaredy-kat-girl when it comes to customers.  i can’t help but fear that no one will buy what i sell for the prices i need to sell for in order for it to all be cost-effective for me.  But then again..i don’t think my prices are unreasonable.  i just have zilch for confidence.  *grimace*

Also, i’m  working on an ear order for a nice woman for the next few days, and i’m all excited about it, because it’s the first on-line special order i’ve had so far.  My other commissions have all been for people i actually know, at this point, so it’s new and bizarre, and a bit scary/fun to be making my first order for a total stranger.  It will be a good chance to see if i like commission work or not, and if i want to add that to the ready-made work i sell.

And if my stomach will play nice long enough..i will get a long, hot, shower.   MAN, do i want a shower!!!  And Christmas movies!  (my stomach interrupted the movie idea yesterday)  i don’t care that it’s past Christmas now…i like to keep it all going until New Year’s….my tree and decorations stay up until January 1st!  Because i just like doing it that way!  🙂

So, pouting and all, stomach and all, i don’t think today has been a loss. i feel like i’ve made real progress toward my goals.   Go me.

 

*Katnip*

 

Erm…

Now i can’t sleep for worrying about a friend who might be mad at me.

i love my friends..i think i even love people.  But i think i am feeling tired of being in situations where i have to ask other people for permission to do what i want.  (anti-hubby is responsible for a lot of that)  But the fact remains, that i should be able to make decisions based on my own wants/needs/or preferences once in awhile, without it hurting, upsetting, or causing havoc with my friends or people i love.  Everybody else gets to make their own decisions and do what they want…just because they WANT to…and i don’t see them losing friends over it or having to deal with undue conflict as a result.  i try really hard to be considerate of other people’s feelings..especially the friends i’m closest too…but too easily i find myself ASKING FOR THEIR PERMISSION to do things without even realizing that’s what i’m doing.  i’m so afraid of the possibility of their anger or resentment, that i have to check that my choices are ok with THEM before i do something or other…but it’s not cool because i should be making these choices myself, based on MY preferences, not someone elses.

But i’m so afraid of anger.  i’m so afraid of stepping on toes or causing conflict.  i can’t take more conflict in my life right now.  But in my effort to be careful and considerate, i am boxing myself in more and more, and limiting my options when maybe i shouldn’t….and i can’t figure out how to talk about that…how to change it.  i’m afraid to.

i don’t want to loose friends.

But shouldn’t i be able to pursue my wants too, without having people get pissed at me ?  Don’t my desires count too?  Or do i have to keep giving up this idea or that preference or that desire, so nobody’s toes get stepped on?  When do i get to do what i want?  Or will doing that get me abandoned?

i’m just feeling really confused and hurt right now…and frustrated.  i don’t know what to do or say…and i’m freaked out because it feels too much like i’m being told what i can and can’t do…and i’ve had more than enough of that in my relationships.  i’m just really confused about this right now.

i wish i was asleep.

 

*katnip*

Early Christmas with my Dad! :)

My mom was too sick to come all the way out here, but my Dad surprised me by not only making the drive to see me today, but bringing me jumper-cables for my car, (YES!) my AWESOME black thigh boots as my Christmas gift, (i wore them all day and i LOVE them!! i can’t wait to try them as Pony-boots!) a pillow from home to replace my sad little old lumpy one, (which just made me all sappy..it was so kind of them to do that for me) and a little 4 foot CHRISTMAS TREE!!  🙂

It’s fake, but i think it’s wonderful…it belonged to my parents for years, until they could afford to get a nice big one…and now they are giving this one to me, just when i needed Christmas cheer the most.  i’ve nick-named it my “little Charlie Brown tree” and i’m thrilled with it.  Dad helped me put it together, (it fits on our dining-table perfectly) and he even brought me little white lights to put on it and helped me hang them.  Then we got out my tiny box of mismatched ornaments, and HE DECORATED THE TREE WITH ME!  🙂  It’s been way too long since i got to have a good time decorating for Christmas with someone i love, and it was just plain wonderful to get to do it this Christmas.

That little tree means more to me than i can say.

Then i got out Christmas movies my friend Mystee had lent me, (THANK YOU!) and gave dad the choice…he picked HORTON HEARS A WHO!!!  🙂  And we watched the movie and ate pizza together and had a great time.  We laughed in the same places, and both loved and approved of Horton’s optimism and  his belief that a person is a person no matter who or what they are…and they have VALUE and should be loved and protected.  Or at least respected and cared about.

And it hit me again…my anti-hubby was NOT the person for me.  Even with all their faults, my parents raised me to love people and to value them deeply, and to have faith that good things can happen even in the worst of situations.  My ex simply does NOT believe any of those things, and never has….and he tried his best over the years to get me to be and think and feel like HIM.  And it was bad for me, and made me extremely unhappy, though it took me forever to just admit it to myself.

Once, i was much more like Horton.  i want to be again.  And tonight brought me closer to that so much faster than i thought possible.  i was happy, and i was remembering how it feels to just be me, loving what i love, believing what i believe, and not having to worry about or apologize for it.

It felt good to just be ME.  Yes, i had a cleaning frenzy before hand, and yes, i probably did too much today and wore myself completely out, but i still had a great day and i got in touch with a me i hardly see anymore.  It was good.

And i got a clean kitchen out of it!

There are other things to think about and write about…like how painful it is to realize that within one day of anti-hubby leaving, i can suddenly move freely all over the apartment and outside with little to no trouble or anxiety.  Or the fact that i’m excited about working with Princess Kitty in her store and am super-thankful for the opportunity…but i desperately want to get my own store going and it’s hard to have the patience i need with myself and my situation until i can get that done.  Sometimes i want everything NOW…and life doesn’t work that way…and i wouldn’t be able to keep up if it did!  🙂

But i’m sleepy, and hungry, and happy, and more thoughts on those things can wait until another day.

 

Goodnight,

*Katnip*

The other side of Me :)

We all know that the kitty in me is a playful, stubborn, fluffy, colorful, do-what-i-want-and-love-me-anyway, bundle of cuddly, loving cat.  And i am SO excited to finally be able to let that part of me out and explore it…it helps so much with healing so many wounds, and reminding me i’m strong, but that strength doesn’t have to come at the cost of gentleness and fun.

But i am a multi-faceted creature, and i’ve also been as much a pony-girl at heart as a kitty-girl…i just had no idea how to allow both identities to co-exist, and how to fulfill those fantasies.  The pony in me is definitely the BDSM-heavy side of me.   But today i had a huge epiphany about the fact that i was FREE and could pursue BOTH kitty and pony play, and i nearly went off the deep end with joy!  i ran all over the apartment, looking to see if i had the things i’d need to make my own pony-gear, and i DID!!  i was so surprised!

It’s been great!  Anti-hubby left for his vacation, and i worked on pony-gear…which is now hanging proudly next to the current set of kitty gear i am finishing up.  🙂  i even made my own tail and i LOVE it!  i have pretty boots that work for now, and that i can turn into hoof-boots later, and great black gloves i can use until i make hand-hoofs too.  i have a very comfortable bustier that looks like a black and white corset, but is actually not too restricting and a good place to start, as it fits me at the weight i’m at NOW.  i even found a tasselled lead-reign for my bit-gag!  TASSELS!  i have white belt leather to work with to make a different harness if i want later too…and i’m going to try making little pony-ears tonight or tomorrow!  And to top it off, the black-on-black converse-style thigh-boots i asked my parents for as my Christmas gift….they will work PERFECT for beginning training in walking and trotting in a SAFE way that looks cool too!  And i can make faux-fur edgings for fetlocks if i want too!  EEEEEE!  🙂

Can anyone tell i like pet-play?

My play-partner fell through for this evening due to transportation problems…and as sad as that is…i’m Ok with it.  i’ve had fun today with all this, and i’m really thrilled to realize i have nothing and no one telling me i can’t do these things anymore!  If one good thing comes from this divorce besides the cessation of abuse…it will be that i will finally have a chance at the kinky life i really want…and the love and kindness that ought to go with it.  Thank God!

Now…for cookies!  🙂

 

*Katnip*

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