A mind that tries to be negative…

(just so i have it said once again, all nasty viruses should DIE, i am tired of feeling like poo)

i had my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, and she seemed mostly pleased with the progress i was making and how i’m doing.  She really understands the challenges i face, and often blows my mind with how totally she gives me credit for how much i do, as opposed to getting on my case for not getting enough done quickly enough.  She was proud of me that i now have over 30 boxes packed, despite near constant illness, and that i was finding ways to get help with moving my paperwork forward, outside the normal channels, since being sick so much keeps getting in the way.  But it’s hard to hear her praise, when my mind wants to yell at me that i’m NOT doing a good job, and i’m NOT getting enough done or moving fast enough.  My poor, negatively conditioned brain, *pats brain in sympathy* wants desperately to convince me that i suck…and it’s quite the challenge some days to wrestle it into the understanding that i am doing my best, and my best IS good enough.  (because, seriously, our best is all we can do, right?)  And letting my angry little brain brow-beat me, *pats brain again* does no good, and only makes things worse.

My doc was mostly positive, and pleased, and she gave me the impression that she thought i was doing better emotionally too, which should make me happy and relaxed.  But i’m having a little trouble with that.  Even when i told her about the guy i met, and how surprisingly our interaction has woken up my ability to feel and to laugh hard and to actually ENJOY life some…she was still supportive.  She was even pleased when i told her how he’s already gotten me to say and do things that were way more adventurous than i thought myself capable of…and it felt good to remember i could even BE adventurous sometimes.  And she told me that same thing Princess Kitty and Hematite have told me; that it was OK and good to go with the flow some, and feel what i feel.  It’s OK for me to be happy; i’m ALLOWED to be happy.  So i should be concentrating on the majority of good things from that appointment, and feeling glad that not even my doctor thinks i’m going in the wrong direction.

But my mind tries to be negative….it seems to be a habit…and it keeps wrapping me up in thoughts and fears about the few cautionary things she had to say….and making them worse than they actually were.  She only cautioned me to watch myself, because i am learning to be involved with people and life without losing myself in those relationships.  With my ex husband, and with others in the past, i have lost my own understanding of who i am and what i want, and what i feel and my dreams for the future….in the thoughts and wants and needs of another person or group of people.  She says she wants me to be careful and watch that i don’t become dependent.

This is painful to hear, but no surprise to me, and something i have been working to change and disentangle myself from for more than a year now.  i have been working to find myself again, for all that time, and that is a great deal of what i think was the last straw for anti-hubby.  The more myself i showed signs of becoming, the less he wanted to be near me.  Which, is why, i think, i lost myself to begin with.  In fact, i’ve had something of a realization of why i so often lost myself in the past, as well.

It’s because i always thought so little of myself, devalued myself, and thought i had little or nothing to offer anyone.  And because i have been frankly desperate to be loved, all my life.  The combination of feeling like you don’t deserve love, and the desperation to BE loved, can lead to terrible and blind decisions and actions.  It makes you bend, any time you see any indication of irritation or displeasure from the person or people you love.  You may fight, you may complain, but ultimately, you still bend to their will and preferences, without even knowing you are doing it.  i have done this predominantly with my primary partner, and/or with religious/spiritual groups, all my life.  And i know, in my heart, it is because i was frightened, unsure, and lonely, and i was desperate to be accepted and loved.

i didn’t value what was good in myself enough to understand that i should never have to bend myself into a pretzel to be loved OR accepted.  (not unless i’m doing it in the FUN way!  *thoughts of happy pretzel bondage*)

And some of that has changed in me now, i think.  i still have a fragile and low self-opinion, but not so low that i feel desperate anymore.  (thank God)  Not desperate for love.  (just rent and groceries, and utilities, etc…but i’m taking care of that one step at a time…and NOT by letting another man swoop in and decide to pay my bills…i’m getting the aid i need, and working on my own store, and going for disability, so i will never have to feel so helpless in that way again)  There are times when i am terribly afraid i will not find a good partner to live out my life with, and that hurts because i would love to have my happily ever after.  But i am realizing that i have a GREAT DEAL of unwavering love and affection from friends who are close and  accept me exactly the way i am.  And i see that the world is big, and surprisingly interconnected, and that there ARE people who will meet me and like me and even want to date me.  So i “get” the idea that i might be as much worth loving and being with, as anybody else in the world.

Which takes away a lot of that desperate blindness i’ve always had.

But not all of it.

And i think that is what is getting to me…making me nervous…haunting me…making me think my psychiatrist disapproved, when she in fact said nothing of the kind.  She only cautioned me to be careful, and to be practical where ever i could.  And to do what i could to slow things down, if we started leaping ahead too fast.  i told her what i was doing to that end…and she said she thought i was on the right track.

So why is it still bothering me?

Because i’m thinking with a mind that tries to be negative, and i know that no matter how much i have improved, i can still be blind.  i need to repeat this to myself…i need to get this through my head.  NO ONE is immune to romantic blindness.  And there is nothing wrong with me caring for someone, or even feeling deeply and being giddy this soon.  What is wrong would be losing myself in it, and so far, i have not done that.  *sighs with relief just thinking about the truth of that*  In fact, so far, it is this strange, sudden relationship/friendship/something-ship, that has helped show me things about myself that i LIKE…things about myself that i have forgotten….and things about myself that have changed for the better.  And if i can hang on to the good perspective this is giving me, even if things end up going wrong with this guy, i will still come out of it knowing and liking myself better.  Which would be great.  (although, it would also be great for things with this guy to go well…i would like that quite a bit…at least i think so, so far)  🙂

It is the practical that will anchor me and help me, it is the practical that i need to hang on to and be most careful about.  And those are things that both my doc, and my friends have agreed with.  *pats anxious brain again and points to screen where i’m writing*  It is fine to need/want his emotional support (i checked that with my shrink, to be absolutely sure..i’m being so careful) and the emotional support of friends and family.  It’s even totally fine to ask for help in a practical sense when i honestly need it.  But the practical steps that will help keep me safe from myself, are to get my own place/income, to makes basic boundaries and stick to them,  (and small compromise is an option for some things here…but i can NOT “compromise” my boundaries away..that’s not compromise, that’s being a doormat) and to keep doing.moving toward the things/people that make me feel stronger and happier, not weaker and more unhappy.

It sounds very simple, it all makes great sense, and my doc says i’m doing good following this idea so far.  So why won’t my brain shut the hell up with the negative nagging!?!

Because i’m heavily in-like with him.  Because i feel so comfortable with him it’s sometimes scary.  Because we talk (and he talks as much as i do!) for hours and HOURS without noticing where the time has gone.  Because despite everybody telling me this is OK and natural and that i’m taking the practical steps i need to in order to keep things from snowballing too fast, i still see that i am already SO attached to him….and some part of me feels guilty…afraid this must be wrong…afraid that i am being stupid and setting myself up to get crushed.

But my mind is a negative Nelly, and i need to not let it spoil this for me.   My mind and it’s fears are what have kept me locked in a cage all these years, and it did NOT save me from any pain, or any hurt, by doing so.  Just because my doc cautioned me, does NOT mean she said or thought that i was doing something bad or wrong, or even unwise…she said NOTHING like that.  *shakes finger at brain*  And my mind is going to have to get used to that concept.  i am GOING to feel good if i want to.  i am GOING to fall for this guy if i fall for him, and not if i don’t, and that is going to be the way it’s going to be.  Whatever happens, however it turns out, (and yes, there is huge potential to be hurt, but there always is..that’s life) i’m allowed to try.  i’m allowed to enjoy how i feel.

And if it fizzles out and comes to nothing, or if we turn out to not be compatible, or if we have some terrible falling out and never speak to each other again, or if i get hit by a car tomorrow and croak…..well, at least i will have been able to say that i didn’t hold myself back out of fear, for once.  i am going to enjoy what’s left of my life, little negative brain, i am going to find a way to do that.  *pats it gently*  And it is not going to happen out of desperation or fear or forcing relationships that shouldn’t be.  i am going to learn to do it a better way now, little brain, and you are not going to stop me.

You are going to learn to help me.  🙂

 

Katnip

 

 

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In Like

Still sick with this annoying bug that hangs on and refuses to let go….but there’s plenty of reason to hope it will go away sometime soon.  Seems like most people haven’t been getting rid of this bug until a couple of weeks have passed, so i’m annoyed, but not panicked about it.

And i am in a surprisingly good mood for a sick person.  🙂

i am in like.

i am heavily, majorly, in like, like, LIKE!

It was an accident.  i have been swearing to myself for months that i would NOT go NEAR anyone younger than me…that i was going to stick to making new friends and play-mates who were OLDER or the same age as me.  And i have made some great new friends, and even met one man who i think would make a great master, were i to live closer…if my personal situation were different.  But i need time, and i am still too unstable to be a slave full-time again.  Still, i value him so much, and see him as a mentor in so many ways.  And i have a few good friends who i have known for years and years, who i trust and would soon be able to spend time with as play-partners, (once i get my health and head together enough to at least get out of the house for a night..and i’m getting there!) and i was not feeling a lack for love and potential fun and safety in that department.

i was taking baby steps and feeling good about it.

And my friend Princess Kitty is so brave and so outgoing, and she was reassuring me that younger people aren’t bad and i don’t have to exclude people from my life based on age…..and i guess i decided i would think about that.

Still, i wasn’t going to do anything about it.

And then, i got a really polite comment and request for friendship at another website i am on, and when i investigated the guy a little, i really liked how he represented himself.  Silly, fun, simple, but intelligent, and NOT looking for a piece of tail, but just looking for friends in the local area.  And he was a semi-furry, like me!  And i got excited by the idea of another friend to talk to about the kitty stuff, as well as kink, and was happy, thinking that if we got along, i could introduce him to other furries and kitties i know, and how nice it would be to have that feeling of friendly, furry, family.

And then i noticed his age.

10 years younger than me.

i nearly refused the request, just based on that alone; then realized that would be prejudiced and wrong, and that i had liked the idea of making friends with him before i had seen his age.  So, thinking nothing would probably ever come of it, other than pleasant small talk, and gradually discovering we didn’t have much in common because of the age difference, i broke my own rule and added him as a friend.

Then he started talking to me, and i was surprised to find i had things to say back…and even more surprised to find he did too…and before i knew it, we were typing long conversations to each other, talking via Skype, and eventually talking for hours at a time on the phone.

And now i find myself strangely and happily in like with him.  🙂

It caused me true and terrible panic for about a day.  i didn’t sleep, i called and talked to my 2 best friends at high, crazed speeds,  i laughed, i cried, and i hyperventilated.  All because i was experiencing FEELINGS again; real, intense, high-on-life, feelings.  i had felt nothing but numbness or pain for years and years and years, and had tried to pretend that wasn’t the case.  And the wonderful slow reaching out to friends, both new and old, that i had done over the past 2 months or so was helping that.  But THIS was like someone had woken up every cell in my body, all at once!  And the world was shouting at me to come out, to FEEL and to LIVE!  It was amazing and wonderful!

And it scared the ever-living crap out of me.

Then i took my dog outside to pee.

There was snow falling everywhere around me.  It was that perfect, quiet moment, when the snow has been falling and piling itself into a blanket of absolute beauty, and no one had yet gone out in it.  There were no tracks, no mucky places, it looked as though me, my dog, the birds in the bushes, and the snow itself, were the only things left in the world for that moment.

And it was the most beautiful thing i had seen, really SEEN, in years.

i tilted my head back and held my hands out, and i could FEEL every flake as it fell on my face, and the cold tickle as it landed on my hands.  i was ALIVE…and i truly felt it for the blessing it was.  And for once, after so many years of nothing but grays and twilights, it was beauty and gentleness, not pain or fear, that reminded me that this body lived and wanted something more.  If felt like God was kissing my soul awake with every snowy touch, and suddenly the whole world seemed like a marvel.  i was actually glad to be living.

And i stood in the snow and wept for joy.

i’m sure i looked like a fool, but my dog didn’t mind, and just then, neither did i.  And i felt myself decide, right there, that i didn’t think meeting this person had been anything less than a gift, and i was going to accept that gift…even if it still scared me a little.  i wanted to feel and to live, rather than continue to hide myself in the numbness that i thought had protected me.

And so i have kept talking to him.  And sick or not, i have laughed, and even GIGGLED, (which i haven’t done in so long i forgot i could) and felt valued, and accepted, understood, and cared for, and even felt unbelievably sexy at times.  He draws me out of myself so effortlessly, that i’m frequently shocked by how comfortable i am….and how long it’s been since i felt that way.

And he understand the kitty in me, not just the kitty, but the Kat too, in ways i haven’t even found words for, before i met him.

i have no idea where this will go….and i was very frightened about that at first.  But now, not as much.  It’s still new and scary, it’s still a risk, but i already feel like the odds are much, much higher that even if we eventually find that the age difference is too great, or that we just don’t have what we had hoped in common after a point, or that we just plain aren’t compatible, i still feel the odds are now much higher that we will at least be friends for life, if nothing else, than they are that we will suddenly part ways and never speak again.

He has enriched my life so incredibly, so quickly, that i simply can not help but be in like with him.  (not to mention, he’s a cutie)  🙂

If this is a stupid decision, for me to “go with the flow” and see where this situation and these feelings take me…then so be it.  For once, i will take a chance, instead of watching it pass me by and pretending it doesn’t hurt to ignore it.  i am stronger than i think i am, damn it, and i am allowed to FEEL.

i am very grateful,

 

Katnip

Protect the Property

This whole past week seems to have just been a walk through one version of hell or another.  Granted, it could have been worse, and it isn’t, and i am ENORMOUSLY thankful, but it still has been very, very hard.  (and i’m not even going into the green snot that won’t stop, the period of perpetual emotion, and my desire to come up with some sort of RAID product to kill all viral bugs DEAD! Ugh.)

Aside from being disgustingly sick with a flu that hangs on and just won’t let go, the emotional fall-out from the anti-hubby’s over-the-top and beyond-the-pale tantrum last week has just worn me out.  Today is the first day i haven’t been shaking so continuously it felt like i was vibrating.  (in a not-fun kind of way)  Fear of being homeless, of being penniless and unable to support myself has suddenly snuck up and eaten me alive.  This whole week was my unique and interesting struggle to make it Yak me back up again, so i could get on with living.  i have done more crying, and less sleeping, than any woman should ever have to do who isn’t pregnant.  🙂  (pregnancy hormones give everyone a free pass for moodiness!)

But i have friends who care, and are trying to give support when they can, (which helps more than they know…sometimes a kind word and a hug can keep a person from utter despair, seriously) and i am still sticking with the logical plans i have in place to get me out of here safely and as soon as possible.  i just have about 3 emergency plans in place too, in case everything goes to hell in a handbasket.  i am TERRIFIED of not getting the financial and health care aid i need, or of not getting it in time, and being left destitute and shit out of luck…for nothing worse than the crime of being disabled and abused.

And that not only makes me frightened, but it makes me ANGRY.  (hence the entire week of shaking uncontrollably)

And now the anti-hubby has finished his last abuser-recovery class.  That’s right, they let him out!  They gave him his walking papers, and BOY, is he happy about that!  And i have to admit, it turns my stomach to angry knots of intestine-eating acid.  To me, it feels like he is simply getting away with it all…i get to fear for my life, future, and well-being, and he gets a little diploma and a pat on the back for talking about nothing in a class for a few weeks.

And his behavior and abuse haven’t changed.  Grrrrr.

Yet my irritating and ridiculous emotions choose this week to suddenly play me false and mess with my reality by reminding me left and right of the “good times” we once had in this marriage, and how much i once adored him…how much he seemed to love me once.  And i find myself falling into the trap of blaming myself, again and again, becoming confused about how all this happened and why, and HOW on earth we got HERE.

But none of it matters, and i know that.

None of it matters now, except that it has all gone too far, and i HAVE to leave, and it doesn’t matter if my heart is breaking.  It doesn’t matter that i don’t understand the how and the why.  All that matters is the ONE and ONLY good slave rule he ever understood and ever gave me…PROTECT THE PROPERTY…(and by property, he meant me)  In a good moment once, a long time ago, when he was in a moment of understanding that his behavior toward me was not what it should be…back when i was still his slave, i had mentioned that phrase from a book i had read, and he latched onto it and said “YES!..Yes, that is the cardinal rule i want you to follow, no matter what.  Protect the property….even if it means protecting yourself from me.”

And so i pack boxes, and force myself to eat food that i can’t taste beyond the bitterness in my heart, and fill out paperwork i don’t understand, and debase and humiliate myself at every turn in the hope of getting the aid i need from the county or state to at least live and feed myself….because that is what it amounts too.  That is what is at stake now.  My life.

Never mind that i have not been his slave for years.  Never mind that there is almost no love at all left between us to bind us in even the smallest way.  A deeper instinct has risen up and has taken over my motions, my body, my life.  i want to survive.  And so, in this ONE thing, i still obey him….i protect the property…despite all self-destructive notions to the contrary.    i will get out.  i will move on.  i will live.

It will be my last act of obedience to him, and he will never even see it for what it is, or understand the tragedy of it.

It doesn’t matter.

i will protect the property.

 

*Katnip*

 

 

Sick

i am sick kitty, hear me sneeze.  Ungh!

Betrayal

Today was the day from hell.  The new #1 on the bad days in my marriage.  i went to get my lease agreement.  My name was NOT on it!  Nor am i even listed anywhere as an occupant!  And all our utilities turned out to be in his name too!  All along, he was swearing things were joint, and screwing me over so that when i needed to be on my own, i COULDN’T!

i am so screwed.

i am so PISSED.

He came up with worse threats today that i have ever heard him spew.  (finding out what he’d done evidently made him feel threatened)  i would talk more about it…but i can’t right now.  Too much.

i spent the day trying to figure out how i was going to be able to prove residency and and how i can get out of this mess he’s put me in.

Piece of advice:  if you ever want to live a sub or slave 24/7 lifestyle, and they demand that you have no income and no bank account, no access to money, and no part in the lease or utilities…think twice about it…then don’t do it.

Not for anyone.

 

*katnip*

Roller Derby before bed!

Yes, i’m still awake.

But i finally got to watch “Whip It!”, and i freaking LOVE that movie!  i seriously get now why i always loved the old movie “Solar Babies” so much…it’s just a sci-fi roller derby movie..sort of.  🙂  But i have a *thing* for Roller Derby in general, and it was both sad and funny to have the ex wandering in and out of the room, obviously not understanding what was going on, or why i was enjoying anything remotely like a SPORT.

Every passing day, i’m more astounded by how much he doesn’t get me, and doesn’t KNOW me….and disturbed by how long it took me to realize that and give up hoping he one day would.

i watch movies like that, and i identify with the tiny girls, the skinny girls, the ones who aren’t strong or coordinated or tough on the outside, and it reminds me again of all the reasons why i want one day to be strong and tough but still fun and cute too.  Because, in my world, in the world i’ve experienced my whole life, you have to eventually be strong if you want to actually HAVE any fun at all!  And if we don’t all die in some bizarre 2012 disaster, i plan to GET strong, and enjoy it.

But for now, i will dream of being able to skate without falling down, and i will concentrate on just getting remotely healthy.  🙂  My happy 4-wheel skates with pink and red laces and skulls on the wheels will wait in my closet until i’m healthy enough to use them..but then..LOOK OUT!  i might just fall on you!  🙂

 

*Katnip*

New Years Resolution with a Kinky Twist

The migraine toned itself down to a dull roar, and the anti-hubby went out to a party and crashed there, so i had the place to myself and actually RELAXED and had a good time on New Years Eve!  i got a lot achieved during the early part of the day, but by evening i got into the proper spirit of doing nothing but things that i enjoyed.  My dog and kitty and i curled up on the couch and watched fun movies (including Earth Girls Are Easy!) and watched the ball drop, and listened to the neighbors come out at midnight and make all kinds of happy noise.

It was good, and it felt right.  🙂

But for what seems like the better part of the end of December, everybody was talking about their New Years Resolutions, and what they wanted to do or change.  In fact, people had whole lists of things!  And i thought it was great for them, but over and over i was coming up empty.

Maybe that’s because i’m already in the process of making the big change that would have been my resolution, had i thought about it.  (divorce is that, for me)  And it’s true, i did manage to say that i would resolve to spend more time with the friends and family i love…and i mean that from the bottom of my heart…but is it really a NY’s resolution, or was it just what i was already starting to focus on doing more often, regardless of the date?

And today, New Years Day, it finally came to me, in a blinding flash of painful obviousness.

i resolve, in 2011, i WILL find play-partners and lovers and friends, and MAYBE even a real lasting relationship, but i absolutely resolve that there WILL BE KINK IN MY LIFE ON A REGULAR BASIS!  And it will be safe and fun, and i will do it for ME; because it’s about damn time i did something i really wanted to JUST because i wanted to.  i am so ready to play that it’s not just an itch i can’t scratch, it’s near to whiny-ass pain some days!  i want to dress up, or dress down; i want to be spanked, chased, and smacked with a riding crop.  i want to squeal with glee, cry with pain, and whimper with need.  i want cuffs and collars and my hair pulled until my eyes glaze over and my brain goes fuzzy and i can hear seconds stretching to hours.  And i want to be with and talk to people who understand, enjoy, and appreciate my desires and aren’t ashamed of their own.

In short, i want my life to me mine; kinky and wonderful and mine for once.  Even as i submit, when i choose to, it will still be mine.

Oh yes, it WILL be mine!  🙂  (no one makes movies like Wayne’s World anymore..)

As i packed yet another box toward the goal of moving out and moving on, (today it was my faux-furs for kitty gear…i needed to organize it so i could focus anyway) i realized how many friends i have that are into the same or similar things that i’m into, and it finally started to sink in that i am free to play now, with any of them that i trust who will extend that honor to me.

i have spent 10 years never focusing on getting my own needs met or having any fun…and life is too short for more of that.

So, this year, i will try to have more faith….more faith in God, more faith in people, more faith in myself, more faith in life….and i will go out there and get my kink on!!!  🙂

Happy 2011 to you all!

 

*Katnip*