Silence…

i’m definitely moving Saturday.  Things are scooting right along.  But i will not have internet for at least a week, so if i am silent for a week or so, don’t worry.  Cross your fingers and pray for me!  i’m taking the leap into a new life!  🙂

 

Katnip

Moving Fast

Things have progressed quickly into the realm of serious abuse from the anti-hubby, so thanks to the financial help of concerned family and friends, and thanks to some major hustling and searching on my part, i have found an apartment, and i am moving out this weekend.

i will be happy when it’s done, but right now i feel too stressed and over-whelmed to be as happy as i want to be about it.  i doubt we will be able to get everything this weekend, and i worry about what he will do to/with anything i leave behind.  But i only have so many boxes, and i only have so much strength, so i will do all i can and then have to hope and pray the rest will be fine until the following weekend when i come back to finish getting the few things i had to leave.  i get the keys to the new place Friday, and the power and gas should be on by then…not sure about phone and internet yet, but i am working on it.

i just want out of here so bad.  i NEED to get out; i’m nearly collapsing from the constant strain of his temper and his meanness,  he acts like he very nearly hates me, at this point.  Every step i take away from his control seems to enrage him further…and i just can’t handle the pressure and fear of it.  And it still have to keep sorting and packing and eating and sleeping and breathing, and calling places and filling out endless paperwork……and i just can’t wait for this to all be over.

At least i got the spousal support contract signed and witnessed.

i am praying that this Saturday’s move goes well and easily, and that i am strong and in good health for it all.  i’m scared to move and live alone…but oh WOW, it will be nice to at least not have to fear being yelled at and belittled and worse, at any given moment!

If anyone out there is reading this…pray for me.  Send happy thoughts and good ju-ju.  This is a big deal, and i need to do it right.  i need strength and courage and health for this.

And lots of hugs.  i need lots of hugs.

 

Katnip

Where to start?

There is so much i want to say, and yet i find it harder and harder to write here, for two reasons, 1) i’m half-afraid anti-hubby is reading it somehow or will try to use my words against me, and  2)there is just so much to say, and sometimes the changes in my life and mood are so abrupt due to my situation, that i just can’t seem to find adequate words to express much of it.

i don’t know where to start.

So for tonight, i will say what i can, and not push myself for more.  i finally got decent number estimates on what the county can help me with, and while i will be grateful for it, it is still not enough to even pay the lowest rent, and i won’t qualify for ANY of it, until i am ALREADY moved out into my own residence.  So i have had to go begging to friends and family for the money and help i need to get into a place and stay afloat for one month, until some county aid comes through.  Thankfully, many of the people i have asked, have come through for me in one way or another, and the help i am receiving, both monetary and emotional, is not only keeping me above water in this crisis, but is giving me the determination to keep going, even when i feel so worn out and frustrated i could just start screaming and kicking people.  (including kicking anti-hubby….a lot)

Even with all this help, though, i will not get by without spousal support of some sort, not for awhile, and so anti-hubby and i had to work out terms between us that would help me, without pissing him off too much, and would be handled in a way that was legally binding.

It has been like pulling teeth with no Novocaine.

He has put me through his angry little roller-coaster of emotional hell for the last week, particularly the last 2 days, working out the details, and struggling for control.  Some of the stunts he’s pulled in the last week or so have made it hard not to hate him, but so far, i don’t.  i just absolutely KNOW i need to get out, and i will scratch and claw my way out of this place, even if it means (and it DOES) that i will be dirt poor and struggling for years to come.

i need out, and that is getting closer all the time.

Unless he changes his mind, (again) and suddenly refuses, we will be signing paperwork in front of witnesses, (one of which is a Notary) that states his agreement to the minimum amount of spousal support i will need, for 2 years.  If that signing goes well, then i will look at an apartment on Monday, and possibly give them my first payment.  It won’t be perfect, it will be small and cheap.  But if it is sanitary and i have the basics, i will be pretty darn happy, at this point.  🙂

Scared as all hell, yes, but also HAPPY.

i am making progress, and i am hanging in there.

And i am taking a HUGE leap of faith, to do any of it.

The guy i met and made friends with, who is possibly something more than that, has become something that has crept into anti-hubby’s awareness, and he has become almost ridiculously outraged and volatile over it.  For a man who swears he all but hates me, and that i am ugly, unattractive, and unwanted by anyone, and he is glad to be rid of me….anti-hubby is sure acting like a man in the throes of major jealousy.  And he’s been an unbearable jerk about it.

Which is all the more irritating, considering that i’ve actually pretty much behaved myself, and even though i AM attracted to this guy, (he’s a Wolf-type, by the way, which really seems to understand this kitty, so far, and is someone i look forward to playing with..it will be a totally new experience for me!)  we are going very slow and not rushing each other into anything.  Right now, he is like a new and unexpected best friend, that is male, that i am very, very attracted to.  We haven’t even been on a date yet!

i just, i have so much that i’d like to say about him, and about side subjects about me and what i am discovering about myself…what i LIKE about myself…but i can’t…i just keep feeling too vulnerable, i guess.  Just breathing can make you feel too vulnerable when you are going through a messy divorce.  i’m afraid to talk about the things that are making me feel happy, (and yes, there are things making me happy right now, and it’s great!)  and the things i want to do and explore in the future about myself, and my business, and even my kink, that might make me feel joy, but as long as i’m stuck in this place with anti-hubby, it’s like a big hand is clapped over me, keeping me from saying much about any of it.

He’s a big wet-blanket over any happiness or joy i get to feel, and i honestly am looking SO forward to taking that blanket off.  i will be scared to be poor and alone, but it will be so much better than the fear i feel daily, living here.

i’m nowhere near as strong as i’d like to be, and i have no idea if i’m as strong as i’m going to have to be, but i AM strong enough to keep going and find my feet….and that is enough for now.

i like what i am learning about myself, and i like what i am learning about my kitty-nature.  And one-day, i will be able to share it with you here.

Just not tonight.

i am praying that the papers will get signed tomorrow.  THAT will be a good, GOOD, start.

 

Katnip