Hormonal kitty…

Holy cow, i am in hormone hell!  It is crazy!  i guess all the combined stress and excitement of moving, divorce, dating, attempting to be even a little social, and dealing with the county, bills, and “normal” day-to-day stuff, has just plain thrown my girly-workings into a big old SNIT!  i spot and cramp and feel like poo for a week at a time, but don’t just BLEED and get it OVER WITH!!!  (Grrrrr….)  NOOoooooo, i have to have all the uncomfortable symptoms, and no real relief!

*stalks in a kitty circle and whips tail back and forth*

And because i am in hormone hell, EVERY little thing is bothering me ten times more than it normally would, yet i have little to no energy to FIX it!  *yoooowwlgrrrrrrr*

i want all the boxes emptied and finished, and all the crap inside them either cleaned and put away properly, or given away to the appropriate people or charities, or thrown in the trash or burned!  And i want the floor clear of dust bunnies and fur and sparkling clean, and i want ALL my dishes and laundry DONE, and i want my damn beautiful canopy up and settled, and i want it all RIGHT THIS FREAKING MINUTE!!!  *glares around with fur standing on end*

But i have a migraine that won’t quit, and i’ve already had it a day or two, and that, along with the lovely and various splendiferous cramps-of-no-good-reason, leave me feeling too wasted and worn out to DO any of the things i want to DO!  *pants a little*

i’m angry and irritable, (over nothing at all) and at the same time, i want to rub my body all over anything and everything i can.  i have an itch i can’t scratch and it’s driving me batty.  (surely that’s a hormonal/cat thing too?)  i want to be bitten and clawed…i want to play around and wrestle all this frustration out of me.  i’m just about to the point of ripping a pillow to shreds with my teeth….but i can’t afford a new pillow if i ruin one!  *sigh*

My skin is just too tight today, and i can’t get comfortable.  And, as usual, some of the things i want to say, i can’t.  It makes me feel confined; trapped.  It irks me that i have to even THINK about what the ex will do with this blog if he gets the chance.  i HATE giving him even that tiny bit of control in my life.

Thank God it won’t last more than a few months.  (i sure as hell hope).

And HOLY SHIT, i feel like the ugliest, most un-girly-girl in the whole world right now.  (also a very hormonal thing, i think..who doesn’t feel this way once a month?)  My clothes don’t fit, and most of them are FAR from sexy anyway, and here i am, newly on my own, and wanting to feel pretty and sexy…even just a little bit…even just if only for myself, and the few pretties i own don’t fit, or are SO OLD that they are ripped and falling apart.  (which, can be fun in it’s own way, i guess)  But i am taking this truly whiny and hormonal opportunity to wail at the top of my not-quite-minuscule lungs, that I WANT TO BE PRETTY!!!!  i am sick to death of little to no lace or ruffles or see-through fabric!  i am no longer living with a person i fear, and i don’t want to feel frumpy all the time anymore.  (although there will always be days when i love and cherish the feel of soft, frumpy clothes)  i want lacy underwear, and bras that FIT ME NOW, and i don’t have to keep pulling and yanking at them just to keep them ON.  i want to curl my HAIR, and i want nail polish that actually STAYS ON for awhile..not this natural shit i’ve been trying to use for years, but never works or stays on for more than two days before it starts peeling and flaking off onto everything i touch!!  *pants some more*  Can’t a girl have ONE vice!?!  Can’t i just get normal nail polish without it setting off some chemical allergy in me or some other annoying thing?   ARGHHhhhhhh!!!!!!  *kicks at box on floor*

*hops up and down holding bruised toe and looking sheepish*

*sigh*  i am just a feral kitty today.  *sits down quietly*  It may pass in an hour, or last another day or two.  My body is in a type of pain i don’t at all enjoy, and my mind is yammering at me about all the things that are less than perfect in my life, and it won’t shut up, and i’m spoiling for a good fight.  (don’t mistake it for the bad kind of fight…i do NOT want that)  i want to feel/be pretty….i want pain of my own choosing to drown out the pain i have no choice about…i want to get something good out of all the yucky feelings my body and mind are having.

i want a challenge!  i want to transform all this badness into something really good.

And i want to use my claws.

 

katnip

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What a week!

Wow!  This whole past week has had too many ups and downs for any sane person to want to deal with.  My stomach is currently in a horrible uproar, but i finally plan to relax for a couple days this week.  That should help.

The ex is not playing nice with the whole divorce thing, (and of course, he thinks he IS..) and it was tearing me up so badly and scaring me so much that i finally just had to go with my lawyer’s and friend’s and family’s advice, and burn my bridges and cut him loose.  It was scary, and risky…but freeing too.  He was denying me payment, and i needed that money…he had it, it was in our joint account, and even the lawyer said it was legally mine.  Sooooo….with a friend’s support and help, i took only the money owed me, and then removed myself from the account entirely.  No more access for me…and i’m happy about that.  But the ex will be IRATE, and will never forgive me for taking even what was technically mine…it’s the only time i’ve ever done such a thing….must be a shock to him.

i also changed my phone number again…i had to..he kept calling, and i couldn’t deal with it.  And i finally got all the papers i needed, and got my drivers permit!  YAY!  One more big step in the right direction!  And the county now has a CRAPLOAD of paperwork from me to sort through…i even got some things certified or notarized,  i went very much overboard to be as sure as i could that i was giving them what they needed to determine my aid.  i really hope i get foodstamps soon…i need them desperately.

i have to remember to call the county, and several other places on Monday, and tell them that my number has changed.

Yes, my tummy has made me sick night after night from the stress…but i think that will improve again if i just let myself stay home and rest a lot this week.  This is going to be LESS STRESS WEEK, i hope.  🙂

And the dating is still a joy…thank God.  🙂  i hope to introduce him to more friends soon, after i get much needed down-time.

Things are moving right along..hopefully in the right direction.  i sure am trying.

 

Katnip

Happy Ostara! :)

So, i’m trying to figure out what to say and what not to say in my posts now, because i have no idea how vindictive my ex husband is going to get in the course of this divorce, nor do i know if he knows about this blog, and i just feel…icky..putting too many details out there right now about all the things that are precious to me and are making me happy.  At least, until the divorce is final, (and i hope that will be a reasonably short time) i think i will stay general about some things, because that helps me feel less vulnerable right now.

So far, i have had a wonderful and amazing Ostara!  i haven’t gotten to celebrate the Spring Equinox in a way that satisfies me, in SUCH a long time, and the ways in which i was spontaneously able to observe and honor it this year…some were ways i’d never had the experience of before, and truly, the joy and privilege of that brings tears to my eyes.  i’m absolutely humming with happy, creative, energy, and i feel more relaxed than i have in a long, long time.  i know those feelings could change at any minute, but it’s so awesome to know too that they will come back.

It’s wonderful not to live in that old state of constant fear and depression anymore.  Now, the fear and depression are just stops along the way.  Thank God!  i hope it stays that way, or only gets better.  i hope i won’t let the inevitable shocks and surprises in life pull me back into the pit of despair.  i like it much better out here in the sunshine.  🙂

At about 5 in the morning, we decided it was a good time for an offering, and we cut up an avocado, (egg-shaped, and bearing a live seed) and laid it out in bits in different spots outside for the animals,  (who gobbled it up!) and then offered tobacco, and even planted the avocado pit/seed outside!  i hope it grows!  i have one i planted in a pot awhile back, and it’s growing great for me!

i got my bedroom finally in order, and mostly how i want it, and it feels SO MUCH better…so much more like a home!  When i can get the rest of the new place in order..that will be heaven!  (i am so tired of boxes)

My bathroom scale says i weigh about 83 pounds now…i have no idea if that is real or not..i have to maintain it to know for sure, but i HAVE been eating more, even with the oral surgery, (which i am healing from nicely, so far) and the lack of funds.  So that tells you how bad my last situation was.  i gain better when i’m dirt poor and have to scrounge for groceries, but when i lived with my ex, i had plenty of money for food, and starved nearly to death.

Makes a person think.

My friends are bundles of love and patience and support, and that is keeping my chin up even when i feel like throwing in the towel, and Wolf is not only a good friend, but is a loving, spirited, breath of happiness and life to me.  He is just plain a good influence so far.  🙂  i got coupons in the mail, an electric bill that was smaller than i expected, and the local women’s center sent me a $25 gift card for groceries, just when i needed it.  Today, despite all the fear and worries; despite the mountains of paperwork i still have to slog through, and the yards of red-tape making things difficult, and the scads of boxes and dishes and laundry that need my attention….

Today is a day of joy and of rest.

i think i will have some cookies and maybe take a well-earned nap.  🙂

 

Katnip

 

Divorce, not dissolution….

Today i officially got a lawyer, signed my paperwork, and filed for Divorce.

That may not seem like a big sentence, or a big shock, but somehow it is.  The ex was determined and adamant all along that we MUST get a dissolutionment and not a divorce, and all along, i agreed…just wanting things to be a safe and peaceable as possible under the circumstances.

i still want that.

But when i saw the lawyer from the Volunteer Lawyer Project today, i was told that they will only represent me for free if i pursue actual divorce, NOT dissolution.  This was because they give so much time to so many divorce cases, and one party or the other can suddenly refuse dissolution, wasting time for the lawyers, but a divorce will happen, even if the party served for divorce refuses to show up…so…i had to agree to divorce, or have no lawyer.

i knew the ex would be angry, and paranoid, and sure i was out to get him, so i even went out of my way to call and tell him what was going on before i signed the papers….but he was still angry and paranoid, and now insists he’s going to get his own lawyer too.  (it’s amazing how he “doesn’t have any money” until i actual get my own lawyer….and now he can find enough to afford his own; which he swore he couldn’t do)   And i have to admit, lawyers make me nervous in general, and i do have fears that this guy will go nuts and ask for things from the judge that i never asked for or wanted.

It has never been my intention to screw my ex over or mess up his chances at a good future life…it still isn’t.

But i have to admit, deep down, i feel a little better inside, knowing that i am pursuing an actual divorce, and that it will take a little of the control out of his hands, and put just a fraction of it in mine.  It bothered me, that i had to do EVEN THE DISSOLUTION OF OUR MARRIAGE in his way, and according to his rules, or i had to fear his reaction and the consequences.  i still fear that, but somehow, some part of me thinks…or hopes..it’s worth the chance.  i just want to do SOMETHING to end this on my terms, or on equal terms, for once.

i hope this lawyer was telling me the truth, and doesn’t get me screwed over for agreeing to this.  But he truly did seem to want to do this for ME, and to have my best interests at heart…and he has no reason to lie, as he makes no money at all of the case…he represents me, and other abused women like me, completely for free.

He seems to want to make a positive difference in the world, one abusive husband at a time.

i guess we’ll see how that works out, huh?

 

As for my feelings….they are all over the charts.  At first, i was scared..terrified of what he would do, what a judge would decide, what would happen if i agreed to file divorce papers.  Then, after i realized i really had no choice and went through with it…i felt elated….RELIEF…and guilt, that i felt so happy that i was in tears at the thought of finally being free and clear of this abusive cycle and this man.  i rode on the bizarre ecstatic wave of freedom, and used it to fuel me through errands i had to run at the local women’s shelter and the local abuse recovery center for women.  Despite my exhaustion, i finally met my advocate in person, and she was a wonderful, and extremely helpful woman.  (and very pretty!)

i got lists of free local medical clinics, and potential prescription help, and some canned goods from the food pantry there, and some little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and tiny bars of soap.  (you know you are at the bottom of the barrel, when you are absurdly happy over shampoo and soap you would never normally use)  And i am thanking God for the people who donated those things to help people like me….they even gave me  small gift card to the local grocery!  And the Wolf i’m dating, (yes, i am seeing him, and there will be more about that another time) even put a little gas in my car when i stopped by to tell him i was alive and kicking after the whole ordeal today, and gave me a wonderful black cherry soda with no caffeine, and a hug, and it kept me afloat and got me home with a smile.

And i ate a HUGE meal, watched “The Saint” on my VCR, with my dog and cat, and then i started to shake…

and shake…

and shake.

Just the act of putting on my pajamas nearly made me cry.

Here i am, in all my freedom and extreme poverty…here i am…doing the right thing….here i am, in all my feminine power..i am woman, hear me roar!

Except it sounds more like a squawk….or a whimper.

i don’t miss him, and i don’t want to go back to what was.  But nearly everything i own is tied to him in some way…tied to the dreams i once held so dear, that were shattered so horribly and so slowly over a long period of my life that i can’t get back.

i can’t get any of it back.

And suddenly, tonight, not even my clothes feel like they are mine.

i stand in the middle of a chaos of boxes, and i wonder what it will take for me to ever feel like I am truly MINE again….will i ever not feel contaminated by the trust i had in him?  Will i ever be able to trust anyone, ever again, without knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that it will probably all end horribly at some point, no matter what i do?  Will i ever let go of the young wife i was, and my heartbroken belief in happily ever after?

IS there such a thing, anymore?

i touch my nightgowns, and i want to burn them.  Somehow, every one has become a representation of what i dreamed of and never got…what i offered and was never appreciated for….what i innocently hoped for as happiness as a bride.

i can never, ever, get that back.

And it burns in my heart like a black fire.

i have, and i will, go on with my life, and already there is a surprising amount of joy and wonder in it.  i will laugh, and i will eat, and may eventually even dance and sing…i even went on a motorcycle ride recently!  Unheard-of, for me!  And i felt like a bird, flying on the back of that thing, and i haven’t felt that free, or that joyous in years and years.  That was a gift and  miracle all by itself.  (Thank you, Wolf)

But the naive and hopeful bride i once was, is gone.  The hope i once had in happily ever after, is almost dead; beaten to death by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and i don’t know if there is any way to revive it….to even remember what it felt like.  He murdered that part of me…my innocence…he beat her to death and i sat and watched him do it.

And i don’t know if i can ever really forgive myself or HIM for that.

And, in the end, deep down, maybe that is really why i agreed to file for divorce and not dissolution.  There has to be a price for that small death.  There has to be a price for what he took from me.  Even if all it will ever be, is to make him stand up in a court of law and simply agree out loud, in public, to end this finally, and to pay a lawyer’s fee…then fine.  But at least it will be on my terms, and not his….it is a teeny-tiny pound of flesh…

But there has to be a price.

 

Kat

 

 

I’m alive! :)

i had oral surgery 2 days ago, and i’m still feeling like crap in recovery, so not posting much this time.  Just wanted you all to know i have been safely in my new place for a month now, and though i am surrounded by boxes, and though the aid was supposed to receive is not forthcoming so far, (more on that later) i am STILL HAPPY that i made this choice.  This is the right thing for me, and it is already making a positive difference in many ways for me.

i’m sorry i have been silent for so long, but i couldn’t get my internet working until now, and even now, the connection seems slow.  No worries though, it works, and the bugs will get smoothed out sooner or later.  🙂

So, i am OK….just recovering from unexpected oral surgery…i promise to write more when i can.

Thank you for your words of encouragement!  And please send prayers and good ju-ju for me, so that i will be healthy and able to meet with my lawyer on Friday morning…i want this ball rolling!  🙂

Princess Kitty, i will call you or mail you my new phone number and address as soon as i feel halfway human.  (hurts to talk)  i’m glad things are going a bit better for you, and excited about your new house….hope to see you soon!  *HUGS*

 

Katnip