Run away kitty…

Well, things just got too scary, stressful, and just plain weird, in my life….my response was a new one…i ran away.  🙂  Seriously, i just picked up one night to go over and visit Wolf and his friends, (i took my dog and my purse and that was about it) and i just ended up staying.

And surprisingly enough, it turned out to be the right decision, and it actually HELPED.

At first, my anxiety and sleeplessness only got worse, for many reasons, (some mundane and some not so much) but Wolf’s house is like a big home for just about everybody who walks through it…it’s amazing.  My dog got a chance to be socialized more and really loved the people, the yard, and the whole newness of it.  And frankly, i got a chance to be socialized more myself, i guess.  i’m still stunned at how completely his friends and family accepted me, especially when i just suddenly became the “sleepless” house guest for several days..i think i spent almost 5 days there!

It’s strange to me that i dropped everything and ran off like that…it’s not something i generally do.  i even forgot to let anybody know where i was, and my own family and friends started to worry about me.  But i guess i really needed that time.  i needed the break..i needed a haven from all the things that were plaguing my heart and mind, be they normal or beyond normal.

Wolf, and that place, and his family and friends made me feel safe, accepted, and loved, and nobody batted an eye at the sometimes bizarre things i talked to them about.  In fact, nobody batted an eye over the fact that i was a run away kitty, either.  i seemed to be welcome to stay there as long as i needed to…it was/is the most incredible thing…and i think some of my old friends would really understand and appreciate the philosophy that these new friends tend to work under.  i’m thrilled and stunned to be lucky enough to have met two such groups of people in my life.  The realization that this new group is so much like a family, and that they seem more than willing to include me in that family, just blows me away.

In some ways, divorce is making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

In other ways, it makes me want to hide or hit somebody.  (it goes without saying, that the anti-hubby isn’t paying the court ordered support that he’s supposed to…one reason for my sky-rocketing stress.)

While i was gone, my parents and my best friend, and even my paralegal (oddly enough) all noticed my absence and got worried about me.  i hate that i caused them worry, (that was an accident) but it also made me feel awfully loved, that they went to such lengths to get in touch with me and make sure i was alright.  Moments like that can really make a woman get the picture that she is not, in fact, alone in life…and it’s balm for the scaredy-cat’s soul.

Coming home tonight, (after 10 pm) i couldn’t help myself; i fell into a cleaning frenzy that didn’t stop until 4 am.  i cuddled my poor upset cat, who had been missing me something awful, (she’s been following me around all night, meowing for attention and wanting held or petted at every opportunity..i definitely have to not stay gone for more than a couple nights at a time…she gets starved for attention, poor thing) and i fed both the dog and cat and made much of them for awhile, and i watered all my plants.  Then i washed and hung up a big load of laundry, (rebelling, and not caring that i was running the washing machine in the middle of the night…i don’t generally do that) soaked a stained towel in the sink and hung it up too.  i cleaned my bedroom and my bedroom closet, swept all the floors in the apartment, (FINALLY!) washed off the counter-tops, and did yet another hand-wash load of dishes.  i sorted another load to wash for later, made sure all my sex-toys and related items were clean and organized, put on a big comfy old sleep-shirt, made myself dinner, hopped into bed with my pets and my computer, and here i am, typing away before i head for sleep.

As always, there is SO much more that needs doing, and my tummy is not sure if it’s going to let me get it done tomorrow or not, but i feel safe-ish, accomplished, and happy to be home.  (even though i enjoyed being away as well)  Getting that break from things really did help me feel better, even if i let some things fall by the way-side in the process.  As usual, there is so much more i want to write, and also as usual, i will have to write it somewhere else for now.  (stupid anti-hubby)  But i am doing cautiously better, to say the least.

i even listened to music the whole time i cleaned tonight!  🙂

And did i mention Wolf got me potted orchids this week!?!  i’m still a-gog over it.  And his mom gave me this beautiful, protective hematite-heart and crystal necklace….it means so much to me that i hate taking it off, even for a little while.  i don’t know, i am just feeling very loved tonight.  And i want to hug my best friend a few thousand times, for her incredible persistence, kindness, and thoughtfulness this week!

Thank God i have friends!  Thank God we are not alone in the world!

Thank you, God, that i am loved.

i really needed my run-away-kitty vacation.  🙂

kitty

Well fuck.

All that nice, relaxing bubble-bath energy just flew out the damn window.  i’m freaking out about food, and i’m annoying the hell out of myself, but i still can’t stop the whole body-shaking, tear-streaked frustrating freak out over stupid, stupid FOOD.

My perfect-looking bananas seem to be totally rotted on the inside, which is something i’ve never seen before.  i went through three, before i had to stop peeling bananas or start crying over it.  My brand new bag of potatoes have mold on them, my lovely, delectable, soy cream cheese and soy sour cream (which i LOVE and WANT to eat) appear to have been through some sort of fire, as they have black soot all over the outsides of the brand new containers..and i can’t figure out why…but of course it makes me afraid to eat them.  And my non-dairy mac-n-cheeze has MILK in it!  And for some reason, all the sudden, it just feels too much how i felt living with the ex…being surrounded by food, but it was always stuff i couldn’t eat, for one reason or another….and now i’m just panicking..or trying to fight off panic.  i started being afraid of all the food in my kitchen.  Perfectly good peanut-butter that i have been eating for days is suddenly suspect and terrifying to me.  (i’m making myself eat it anyway…but the fear is driving me batty…and i am hating myself right now for this irrational fear)

i know this is just something that happens once in awhile..sometimes you get things home and they aren’t in as good a shape as you thought, or you accidentally grab the wrong thing…it’s happened to me a hundred times, and i’m agoraphobic and don’t get to the store much.  So i can only imagine how much more normal it is for it to happen to everybody else.  It shouldn’t upset me so much.   But so much of it is rotten or suspect…it makes me feel like i can’t trust the grocery it came from..and i really LIKE that grocery!  i feel like my brain is running in circles and i’m beating my head against the same old wall.  i HATE my food fears, and i have done so well dealing with them since i moved out.  Why am i suddenly having so much trouble NOW!?!

*sigh*  i’m like a floppy little chicken with my head cut off.  *lays down and puts head on paws*  i’m pathetic.

But i have other foods to eat that are good, and i need to focus on that and stop flipping out.  The stuff i’m afraid of is not hurting me; it’s just sitting there, minding it’s own business.  It’s not like it’s going to jump out and attack me or something.  *lays ears back and stares toward the kitchen, just to be sure*………….Nope.  No sudden attack of the killer tomatoes, or anything.  *looks sheepish*  i just need to get a grip, for pete’s sake.

And there are other things bothering me right now..this minute, that i can’t say anything about…and that simple fact is making me vibrate with the need to talk about it.  But you can’t always talk about every little thing in a public forum…or even in a private one, for that matter.  But damn it…i feel soooooo frustrated!!!  i’d better be calmer when i wake up, or i’m going to break something.  Grrr.

i will say one thing good in all my anxious, irritated, ranting…i had a lot of unexpected, but much needed, help and moral support from Wolf, a couple days ago, and even his friends were supportive instead of judgmental…and that means a great deal to me.  For reasons both personal and situational and…i guess spiritual would be a way to put it…my anxiety level has gotten so high in the past week to two weeks that i have barely slept for at least a week solid.  Because of Wolf’s timely help, i actually  relaxed enough to get a good night’s (day’s) sleep…and i’ve been able to relax myself and sleep the past couple days too.  i don’t know why my anxiety has flared up again so strongly tonight/today, again, but i am very, very grateful to have so many friends, both of my own, and of Wolf’s who care enough to help if they can…and i’m grateful for Wolf’s kindness that has restored a little of my faith in men.

*curls up and burrows under the blankets*  i just need to make the world get out of my face for awhile.

Katnip

Bubbles

There has been too much going on and too much stress and confusion with my bank and paypal accounts and i’m still about to pull my hair out over it.  But there is really only ONE thing i have to say for tonight…

BUBBLE BATHS ROCK!  🙂

(thank God for the joy of warm water and big bubbles…sometimes you just need something simple, because nothing else in life is ever simple enough)

Katnip

Even more stress tonight…

i just found out there are unauthorized charges on my bank account AGAIN!!!  Now i may have to deal with overdraft fees, and how am i supposed to pay my bills when my money keeps getting sucked out to points unknown?  The bank said this could not/would not happen again..WHAT THE HELL!!!

i’m going to have a fucking nervous breakdown.

Katnip

Calgon, take me away!

i should feel accomplished…i did so good yesterday.  i made it to the doctor, long drive and all, and got all the exams and paperwork taken care of, which moves me another big step closer to medicaid and SSI..or D..or whatever it is.  i had a good time driving, (even though i had very little sleep) because my car was all kitty-fied, and because i finally got out the face-plate for the stereo my friend gave me with the car..and i SANG and oooed and ahhhd at the wonderful, amazing sound, the whole drive up and back.  i even was able to drive out and visit Wolf at work for a little bit afterward, and it was a pleasant and relaxing end to a slightly hectic day.

But i came home and collapsed.  i’m just so freaking TIRED.  Not getting enough rest no matter what i do.  It’s just been the past week or two, i guess, but i can’t seem to shake this problem…i just can’t rest, and it seems like it’s because i can’t relax.  i’ve been so tense that i actually didn’t realize that i was tense..if you can follow that.  The money fears, the divorce stress, the constant need to go..go..go, fill out this paperwork, deal with that bill, meet some new people, endless phone-calls to one agency or another to try and get bills and aid and legal-stuff straightened out, and the never-ending piles of laundry and dishes and BOXESBOXESBOXES!

i think it might be getting to me for real now.

i should feel accomplished.  i should.  i made it to the doctor and got oodles of good paperwork taken care of as well.  i got food stamps, finally.  (still thrilled about that)  Today, i spoke to my lawyers office and found out that the court has awarded me pre-spousal support that pretty much is the cost of my rent each month…i have no idea if the ex will PAY, but it’s still a HUGE step in the right direction…and i was even told that if he doesn’t gum up the works, we may be able to get a court date set soon..so i am closer to getting this divorce than i was daring to hope for.  (if he doesn’t do anything stupid)

But i don’t feel accomplished, i feel desperately tired and wired with this incredible restless anxiety that won’t let me go and won’t let me settle to anything peaceful and quiet.  With only 3 hours of sleep today, (on top of very little sleep each day for a week or more now) i just started tearing through boxes and working like a crazed chipmunk in high gear.  i got into my storage area and organized what i could, (it’s mildly flooded from the rain) and i unpacked all the boxes in the living-room that i could manage, (when i started falling down, shaking, and banging my head into things a lot..i decided i needed to quit with the boxes for awhile)  for some reason, i even thought it was a good idea to tear apart half the living-room and do it over again…i’m closer to liking the results, and i finally got at least one nice picture up on the walls out there…and Hematite’s hubby even brought me over a little diningroom table!  Yes, there are STILL more boxes, far too many boxes, to be gone through, and after that, disastrous closets to ransack and organize, but this little place looking more and more like a home and i should feel ACCOMPLISHED!  i should feel satisfied, even.

i got awarded pre-spousal support, for Pete’s sake!!  i was barely daring to hope for such a thing..i should feel…SOMETHING.

But i don’t feel anything but exhausted, wired in an unhealthy OCD kind of way, and desperate to convince my body and mind to just LET IT ALL GO, and freaking RELAX.  SLEEEEEEEEeeeeeppppp.

Things really are looking up, they are.  i just don’t think it’s hit me yet.  i hope i can find a way to really relax tonight, at least enough to get myself to sleep all night.  It reminds me of those old house-wife commercials about Calgon bubble bath, when i was a kid…”Calgon, TAKE ME AWAY!!”…oh yeah…i’m feeling that old commercial about now.

i want bubbles, and i want sleep…real sleep.

Tomorrow is another day.  Maybe i will find less stress in it.

Katnip

Happy car :)

Today, i managed to get all the red tape phone calls made, activated my food card, (looking forward to a grocery trip ASAP!) made arrangements with my local women’s advocate to pick up some donated sundries in a couple days, (soap, etc..whatever they have on hand) got my ass to the bank and cashed the check my dad so kindly sent to help pay for my quickly mounting medical bills, (it isn’t enough, but nothing ever is..i’m SUPER grateful for ANYTHIG) and then i got to take the time to wash out the front inside surfaces of my car, and finally put down my ocelot/leopard print floor-mats, and printed steering wheel cover, and front seat covers!!!  🙂

YAY!  And everything is kitty-printed and soft and FURRY!…with a medium fur, so it’s not like 70’s shag or anything.  i even hung my black pleather dice from the back clothes hook, so i can enjoy them, but not feel like they impede my view while driving.  i changed the license plates, and put on my little kitty plate-cover on the back.  i still need to give it a more thorough cleaning and a good vacuum sometime, but it looks better overall, and it’s starting to feel more and more like she’s mine.  (yes, i think my car is a she..at least she seems to be for me, i guess)  Slowly, i’m feeling more and more comfortable driving, and since i have a BIG drive ahead of me tomorrow, going to the doc from my old hospital, i wanted to do something special to mark the occasion.

It’s been a very, very long time since i’ve made a drive of any length on my own, and it felt like the right time to pull out all the kitty-car-stuff i had been saving since my birthday.  (before i left the ex)  i’ve been deliberately waiting to kitty-up my car until i had taken enough steps to feel free of my old life..at least free enough to feel like i could breathe and make my own decisions.  The divorce is in process, the ex and i have no contact, i am making real progress with the county, (finally) and i’m driving out to see my doc to get her help in working on the next step.  (state appeal hearing for aid, and application for social security)  Not to mention, my car is now in MY name, and the plates and insurance are MINE, and i have a legal driving permit at least.  (nervous about driving alone on just a permit, but if i have to, i have to)  And me making a drive this long, alone, (it’s about an hour drive, one way) is a landmark event…so it felt like time to really give my car some love and attention, and get more comfortable with who she is and finally let myself claim her in my heart.  She even has a name now.  🙂  She’s a very good car, and she seems amazingly faithful and hard-working to me.  i really do love this car and hope i can take good care of her…she is a big part of my freedom.  (thank you, again and again, Mystee!!!)

It makes me SOOOO happy and bouncy with glee to have something getting into order in my personal space!  🙂  (my apartment is still enough of a wreck that it makes me nuts)  But i hear rain coming, and i need to eat and get some sleep, so i will stop my happy bubbling over for tonight.

Wish me luck tomorrow!!

Katnip

Anxiety and relief…

The jaw seems to be getting better, but i am at the end of my antibiotic, and this, and several other things at the moment, leave me feeling a mingled sense of both anxiety and relief.  i’m relieved to be getting better, but anxious about the likelihood of the infection coming back again and me having to see yet another doctor and take yet another type of antibiotic…i’m not sure my system could handle that.  My stomach is already upset enough lately, i can’t afford for it to get worse…but i also can’t afford to have this infection hanging around…it wipes me out and is very painful.  i need to be well and stay well.

i FINALLY got my FOOD CARD!!!!  YAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!  (flails like happy Kermit)  So i am also hugely relieved that after all the effort and wrangling, i have finally managed one victory…i will be able to provide food for myself, at the very least, for the whole rest of the year.  Yet they denied me for everything else, denying my status as disabled, (actually saying i never claimed that i was disabled at all.. which is utter bullshit) so i am un comfortable and tired and anxious about the further wrangling i know is yet to come, when i file for a state hearing, get my doctor behind me, and push for a new case-worker and a re-assessment.  i’m developing a real dread of red tape, and i am simply surrounded by it.  (but i am THRILLED to finally have those food stamps!  It feels like a miracle, i needed them so badly…thank you GOD!)

i’m relieved that i will be seeing my doc in person for the first time in forever, this Tuesday, but i am also anxious as hell about the fact that i will be following new directions, blind, driving by myself, in my car, on only a permit and not a license….and worried about my stomach or money issues forcing me to cancel or reschedule the appointment.  i NEED to make this appointment on Tues, and i need to do it in person and not by phone.  But my stomach is absolutely unpredictable and is not feeling good at all right this minute.  Not to mention my sleep has been amazingly non-existent and messed up for the entire past week or so.  This appointment is too important for me to miss, and it has me in knots with worry if i stop to think about it for too long.

i’m happy with the work i’m doing on Mystee’s scarf, and relieved to be only a hair away from finishing it, but i am anxious about the other two commissions that i am still behind on, and worried about the other barter-deals that are being asked of me..i’m concerned about being able to keep up…or even just catch up, at this point.  And because i need money so badly, i need to be asking for money more often for my work; not barter…and yet the barter deals i have made so far have been good ones, and are providing me some much-needed raw materials for Katnip Kitty gear.

i’m relieved, that as of yesterday, i am starting to get some real sleep again..at least somewhat, but anxious and irritated because that sleep is coming at all the wrong hours, and is messing with my ability to get things done.  i hate that this is such a struggle for me at times.

The list goes on, but you get the idea.  i have so much to be thankful for and relieved about, and i am….but i also seem to be stuck in a rut of finding something to be anxious about in every good thing that is coming my way.  Granted, my anxiety is still much lower in general than it used to be, and i am proud of and pleased with that progress, but my ability to find the dark cloud in every silver lining is making me want to smack myself.

The bottom line i need to get through my head is this:  it will all work out, or it won’t…and if it doesn’t, i don’t have to throw in the towel and give up, i can just get up and try again.  And i will stop and rest when i have to, because if i don’t, my body will get sicker and FORCE me to.  (which, i think, is part of what is happening now)  i have to deal with each day as it comes, and try not to freak out too much.

i at least have to try.  (and i have to get my tummy to calm down so i can get to bed; i am exhausted)

One random good thing, with no anxiety connected to it:  there are dandelions and violets growing all over the place, right outside my back door….and they make me very, very happy.

Katnip

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