Relief from the Gloom

Thank heaven the storm cloud of grouchiness got itself over-with last night!  i was misery itself there for a bit; which i know will happen sometimes, especially with my circumstances, and that’s OK…just aggravating.  It just felt like no matter how calm i tried to be, everything kept going wrong all day.  Finally, i just let it all hit me, and i went out and chose a tree to tie my worries to, so they could be taken away by the elements, (that’s a simplified way of putting it, i guess) and i tied my pain to the tree in the form of a red ribbon…i prayed, and i thanked the tree, and then i walked away, and i actually managed to leave it behind for the night.

i did self-care stuff, earlier that evening…doing my nails, (i found fake nails that have kitty-tiger-striped-tips, and though i’m not a tiger-kitty, i HAD to go with the kitty theme!!) taking a long shower, doing my hair a little, and even doing make-up and a pretty-but-comfortable dress…all in the effort to help myself feel better.  And it did, in fact, help some.  🙂

Wolf spent the evening with me, and i got to smoke my clove, and i got KITTY-TIME!  🙂  He even had me wears ears, for the first time since i’ve known him, and kept telling me how cute they looked on me.  Seriously, there are times when sincere compliments really DO make a woman feel better!  And when we ate dinner, he made me cut up my food, and then he put it in my kitty-bowls..i had to eat with no hands!  It was such fun, and very light-hearted, and it just made me feel so much more connected to a happy part of myself, and disconnected from the depressed part of myself that i’d already given so much time to.  We watched a movie; “Meet Joe Black” and generally had a good time.

So yes, i felt better, and i got off the pitty-kick for awhile, and i slept well.

Thank God for relief from the Gloom!  🙂

Katnip

Advertisements

#%@**!!!

There are times when i just want to SCREAM at the unfairness of things.  Times when i want to break things and storm around like a little, angry black cloud, raining purposely on the people who piss me off.

Since i can’t exactly do that, i guess i will eat, and maybe see if a totally unnecessary shower and a smoke, (yes i said SMOKE…i haven’t had one since the other day) will put me in a better frame of mind.

Or maybe i will just give in and scream.

Probably wouldn’t faze my neighbors, at this point.

Katnip

Bleh

i am feeling less than fabulous today, so far.  i slept much later than i meant to, (but i think i needed the sleep, with this cold) and then spent the first two hours after i woke up trying to cough up a lung.  i coughed so hard and so continually for awhile there, that i was crying involuntarily.  Yuck.  But the coughing was definitely producing something..so maybe it’s a good thing.  i think?

Now, i’m trying to get my ass up and out the door to mail more paperwork and go to the bank and get groceries as well, but i’m not sure much of that is going to happen tonight, because NOW all i can do is blow my nose.  Seriously, i’m blowing more stuff out of there than i thought could ever be IN there to begin with!  i can’t do anything without a kleenex in my hand, and if i move around too much i start coughing again.  *sigh*  i hate this cold.

Bleh.

Katnip

Soooo Sleepy…and naughty.

This cold is hanging on and kicking my ass, but i do think i may generally be getting better.  (thankfully)  i’m so worn out and sleepy that i can barely type, so i will try to be what passes for brief…. with me.

Thanks to the kindness of Bobthwonderchicken loaning me his drill for an hour or so, my canopy is FINALLY up over my bed, and i am THRILLED with it so far.  Lord knows i waited long enough to get the thing replaced after the anti-hubby destroyed the first one, and i’ve been itching to actually put the thing UP, for weeks.  It feels so much nicer and softer and more like my space now.  Yay-rah for the little things!

Wolf brought me goodies when he came back from the rally, and i’m still stunned and surprised and happy about the booty.  (oops..i meant bounty..or did i?)  i’m not the type who needs presents, but that doesn’t mean i can’t appreciate them when they appear.  🙂  He lucked into a wonderful little windfall of beautiful, useful things, that a friends’ old renter had left behind and didn’t want.  For brevity’s sake, i won’t list it here, but there were SHINIES!  🙂  Nice things, that i can actually USE!  And then he made me a bunch of CD’s, and FIXED my CD player so it will play again!  WOO!  The joy is overflowing, there, let me tell you!  i spent most of today listening to the music he made for me.  *sigh*  Good, good, good!

AND he brought me cloves…and though i haven’t smoked in about 15 years, i think, i have to admit that i gladly and eagerly smoked half of one cigarette in my precious little haul of 2 boxes from Indiana.  i know it is naughty, and i just don’t care.  i will make them last as LOOOONNG as i can, but i feel little to no guilt about smoking them, for some reason.  Honestly, i cherish the things like gold, and think Wolf was awesome for getting them for me.  Maybe i just need to have a vice once in awhile…other than nail-polish.  Maybe i just want something little that i want, JUST because i want it.  But i will have to watch myself and see that i don’t get too crazy with the things.  i don’t need an addiction…i can’t afford one anyway.

But they really are like gold to me…LOVE those damn things.  🙂

i got a spousal support check today.  Not even half of what it’s supposed to be, but it’s a start, and it will pay my rent this month.  So…keeping hope alive, and daring to believe it might actually be OK soon.  Maybe.  i hope.

And i got a kitty ear hat and gloves commission.  WOO!  🙂

There..good things.  🙂  And now i have to stop typing and get some sleep soon, before i fall asleep at the keyboard.  i worked hard today, and i’m still sick.

Sleep good.

Katnip

Miracles DO Happen!!

There is a lot i could say here about the last few days, and you KNOW i’m unlikely to keep it very short, but i’m going to try and sum-up.  (because as happy as i am, i’m still sick and looking forward to resting and curling up with a good book)  But there are a few things i am really, REALLY thankful for, and i just have to comment on them RIGHT NOW.  🙂

On the day before yesterday, i woke up early in the morning with the worst sore throat i’d had in almost 20 years.  It progressed so quickly into my sinuses and body that i was out-of-commission by nightfall.  i almost never get fevers, and when Wolf came by to drop off some things from the drug-store for me, before he left for his bike rally, my fever had jumped to 102.  (this was with me already TAKING ibuprofen!)  It was a hard choice for him, because he’d been working so hard to get to go to this rally, and he desperately needed the small vacation it would give him, but he decided right then to stay with me until my fever went down to a safer level.  It was SO good that he did, because it kept right on going up to 103, and it took both of us trying all kinds of things to eventually bring it down to 101, and get it to stay there for any length of time.  i felt like i was on fire from the inside, all night long, and it was icky.  We surrounded me with ice-packs as best we could, and he kept checking my temperature…by around 6 in the morning, my fever was steady at 100, and i wasn’t feeling like i was on fire anymore…just sick and miserable and very tired.  So, when the time came for him to hit the road if he wanted to make the rally, we took my temp on last time, and it was at 99!  My fever was finally breaking, and he was able to go and make the rally caravan his was leaving with, just in time!  🙂

That, by itself, was a miracle, because he did not believe at first that there was any way he could make it, once he chose to stay with me.  The poor guy really thought that he was sacrificing his one chance at a tiny bit of freedom and vacation that he had…and that meant more to me than i can say, but it also upset me, because i really wanted him to go and have a great time.  So i refused to give up hope that it could still happen, and i begged him not to let himself despair, but to have faith that somehow it was all going to be alright.  (i do know that things don’t always go our way just because we pray about it, don’t get me wrong, but i remember feeling very strongly that this was about more that just him going or staying, or me being sick or being well..you know?)  And he chose to have faith and give it a chance, and my fever went down, i didn’t need the hospital, and he got to go to his rally and is having a wonderful time as i type this!!  THAT, folks, is a miracle in my book, and i’m very happy about it.

But from my side of things, it’s a miracle too, because even as terribly sick as i was, (and still am, to some degree) i was well enough and had just enough strength to get my ass up, looking nice, and in to COURT this morning, on-time!  And believe me, i had been very, very worried that i was doomed and would not be able to make it, no matter how hard i tried.  But i took my own advice, this once, and i chose to have faith, and i was well enough to go!  Not only that, but my women’s advocate went with me, and my lawyer might as well have been a night in shining armor, he was so amazing on my behalf today.  He went out of his way to be sure that the anti-hubby and i didn’t even have to be in the same room, and the magistrate was kind enough to go along with this.  And despite all of the anti-hubby’s protests and fibbings and such, my lawyer ended up finally getting him and his lawyer to agree to an amount that will actually pay most of my bills and allow me to live!  (and the kicker is, it’s TWICE what he would have had to pay, if he had just paid for a single lawyer for us to share and get a dissolution in the first place!  He screwed himself, on that one.)  Things will still be very tight for me, but if he pays, then i will actually be able to live and pay my bills, and i can rest knowing it won’t be ruining him to do it, because i now know EXACTLY how much money he makes each month.  So no guilt for me.

When it was over and the papers were signed, my lawyer and advocate escorted me out of the building, keeping me carefully between them, so the anti-hubby never had a chance to try to talk to me or follow me.  (i was shaking, but really grateful for their support and protection….i just cave-in, if he starts talking to me..which is why i can’t see or talk to him anymore…that and the retribution risk)  i got a court order for what i need to live right now, and took another HUGE step down the road to legal and final divorce, and i never had to see more than the back of his head, and i was swiftly excorted downstairs and outside.  And i got away safe and sound.  And ALL of that is a miracle, in my book.  EVERY. LAST. BIT.  🙂

Then, when i got back to the womens’ center with my advocate, she gave me two great big bags, filled with things that she knew i didn’t have money to buy for myself right now. There were paper towels and kleenx, shampoo, conditioner, soap, a razer with a changeable head, full and travel size toothpaste and mouthwash, and two new soft toothbrushes…all kinds of things!  She even gave me  three new dish-towels for the kitchen, a romance novel, a hand-knitted lap-blanket a local church had made and donated, and a package of 4 tiny new nail-polishes!  ALL these things had been donated to the center by all kinds of companies, churches, and individual people, are and regularly given to people like me when they are in need.

  And THAT TOO, is an amazing and encouraging miracle.  i think the shock of the day was all the kept me from weeping in gratitude.  🙂

And then, there is the miracle of friends…one i sometimes forget to see for the miracle it is.  i have to make it through one more month until the spousal support checks start coming in, (so long as he pays) and i am OUT of money.  i am actually in the hole, where cash is concerned; every last cent is spoken-for, and then some.  And my dog is out of food, and i can’t go buy her anymore.  A friend i’ve known for half of forever, Bobthewonderchicken, is going out tonight and buying her a bag of her special food and bringing it by tomorrow..and i will be able to feed my service dog, and keep caring for her in the way i should be….because of the miracle of friendship, kindness, and generosity.

So, yeah, i’m still sick, exhausted, broke, and have debt and worry coming out my ears, but i am feeling pretty darn happy today too.

Because miracles DO happen, and today, they happened to me.  🙂

Katnip

Good things

i got love and cuddles, despite my PMS strangeness.  🙂  i listened to music from the time i woke to nearly the time i fell asleep.  i got good, good sleep.  i listened to music all day again today.  (my cd player won’t seem to work, but at least i have radio for now)  i opened the huge packet from the lawyer, got help on the math, and discovered that the anti-hubby has been LYING about his income, and now we have the information we needed to give me half a chance of good spousal support..hopefully.  i took the long-ass time it takes to fill out the on-line SS disability forms, and i’m proud of myself for doing it.  i know i’ll get refused the first time, but i’m happy to have that step out of the way, for the most part.

i am learning to use my oven tonight, despite, my fears over the gas-smell it produces.

My period is still light, weird, uncomfortable, and will not get itself over-with…but i am feeling pretty Ok so far today, despite that.

i am loved, and i am not alone.

i am slowly, slowly becoming more able to be social.

Life is scary, but thank God and good people, it is NOT all bad.  🙂

Katnip

Ugh.

i have period headache, where your skull starts trying to squeeze your brain out your ears and eye-sockets, AND i’m moody as hell and ready to claw someone to pieces….or randomly cry…or barf…or fall asleep for hours and hours and hours.  Oh yeah, i’m so much fun right now.  *sigh*

Katnip

Previous Older Entries