If the anti-hubby does not start paying soon, not only will i kick, scream, and be desperately poor (more so than now, even) and worry myself half-sick, (which i’m already doing)  But i think i will have a seriously hard time not wishing very nasty thing to happen to him.

Visualize 10 tons of horse manure falling from the sky, directly onto his head.

Oh yes..manure can be a beautiful thing.

(i am so worried and pissed off)




Good Day

i had an unbelievably nice morning/afternoon with Wolf, and lost all track of time completely.  It felt so good to just relax that i don’t have words for it; especially since the last 2 or 3 days i’ve been tense and feeling crappy.  Today was much better; today was a good day.  🙂

Hematite came over and read the latest draft of her novel, (she and a friend are writing it jointly, and i am really impressed with how GOOD it is!) to me for about 3 hours…i enjoyed the time so much; i love being read to, and she’s so enthusiastic to have someone to read to, that she can keep it up for longer than anyone i know.  i’m amazed she still had a voice by the time she left!  But it was so great to see her; it was spur of the moment (as are most things with me) and i made myself keep up the relaxing idea while she was here.  i ate, i listened, i laughed a lot, (there are some great one-liners in there) and i trimmed and painted my nails bright pink, even putting little nail designs on them.  (little white heart skull-and-cross-bones)  It was so good to just have time to hang out, and i miss doing that with my was just plain NICE.

And when she left, although it was after 1 a.m., i suddenly felt the need to GET SOMETHING DONE, so i washed and hung a load of laundry, sorted a second load of laundry, changed the sheets and bedding completely, (even the bedspread and pillow shams are getting a good wash in the next day or two!) took care of the animals and got myself ready for bed.

Now, i’m cuddling down into the soft, clean sheets, and thinking of food before sleep.  i’m looking forward to tomorrow.  It was just a really nice, awfully good day.  *happy sigh*


Time funs when you’re having flies….

i can’t believe it’s been so long since i posted last!  i’ll do what i can to catch up just a bit, but there is so much i don’t know where to begin.

Once again, i’ve been alternately busy and sick..for now, *crosses fingers* the sick seems to have abated at last.  🙂  My urinary tract infection came back, (i was suddenly peeing blood..SCARY) and i was put on more antibiotics for another 10 days.  It sucked, but it got me to finally start taking a pro-biotic supplement,  and that actually seems to be doing my digestion some real good!  So far, i’m surprised and really happy and hopeful about that development.  i got through the antibiotics more easily this time, thank heaven, and so far they seem to have worked.  *crosses fingers*  However, i saw my doc last week, and she fears that my immune system may be trying to shut down, so she’s ordered a bunch of tests just to check everything.  i’m currently searching for a good local lab to get the tests done at..hopefully this week.

My period was odd again this time, but it’s looking like they may be getting a bit more normal each month, which is also a hopeful sign.  As is the fact that i am still GAINING weight!  🙂  i’m currently hovering between 87 and 89 pounds!  YAY!  🙂  It makes a big, positive difference in how i look too, which makes me realy happy, and even the doc said that the best thing i could do to help my immune system besides getting those tests, was to KEEP EATING!  So, i’m totally on-board with that.

In fact, the changes in my life and body are prompting me to make more changes in my diet as well.  Now that i’m on the pro-biotics, i’m workingon going back to dairy products as much as i can.  i plan to moderate, but i hated being vegan, and only did it because my body was in such bad shape it couldn’t digest the food at all.  i NEED the nutrients and variation though, so i’m slowly adding some dairy back into things a tiny bit at a time, in the hopes my body can digest it now.

i’ve also about got myself talked into adding  at least fish back into my diet, but i’m on a slower track there, because i have to take it all one step at a time, and any type of meat is a huge step for me.  i’ve been vegetarian for 15 or 20 years so so now, and i have moral as well as digestion issues with eating meat…..but the way my health has been for so long, soy just isn’t getting it.  It isn’t enough, and i’m not getting a well-rounded enough nutrient set on a daily basis, even with vitamins.  My doc, and i, and even Wolf, all think it’s time for me to try some form of meat and see if it improves my overall health, so i plan to start with fish, which is easiest to digest.

But i still have the issue of not feeling ok with killing things that bleed and eating them…so i have to get used to that idea.  i’m even going to try to take up where i left off as a kid, and try going fishing myself.  If i can handle killing and gutting the poor little things, then eating them will be easy by comparison, i think.  And bless, him, Wolf is so supportive of this idea, that he bought me an ultra-light fishing pole from a friend of his, and has found local places we can fish for the kinds we can eat safely, and do it without even needing a license!!  Talk about a sweet man!  Instead of criticizing or judging me for the hard time i am having about killing things, or the unusual method i want to use to get myself to tolerate the idea, he supports me unwaveringly, and even comes up with an easy way to make it all possible!  (i kissed him all over his face, i was so touched and surprised) So i may be going fishing in the next couple weeks!

i might cry over the poor fish, but i have to try to come to terms with death and the way life works, SOMETIME.  i have to try, and now seems like a good time to keep moving forward with that goal.

The anti-hubby is still not complying with the court-ordered payments so far this month, and it is making me jumpy and uncomfortable.  i can’t survive much longer without those payments, and i know it, and it’s a terrifying thing to have over your head all the time.  Fortunately, if i understood my lawyer correctly, if the anti-hubby continues to fail to pay after the final divorce decree, then they will simply garnish his wages, and he will have no choice in the matter.  If that’s true; it’s a HUGE relief, and means i only have to make it until the end of September, and then the payments will come regularly, whether the jerk wants to pay or not.

If that’s true, i will be very thankful, and it will give me the time i need to get through all the hoops of qualifying for SSI.  i’ve already applied for disability and SSI both now, and i know they will refuse me automatically the first time, but once that is done, i can get my lawyer on the case, and apply again and likely get on SSI relatively quickly.  Then, i won’t have to worry about the anti-hubby and his nastiness anymore…which would be a great blessing for me.

i don’t mind being poor; i just don’t want to have to depend on any man, or any romantic relationship, to totally support me, ever again.  Not if i can help it.  i NEED to know i have some form of monetary independence, even if it is just the bare essentials.  i’m glad to be on the road to doing that, and i’m glad to be making real progress, even if it’s painfully slow.  🙂

i have a new commission for a kitty hat and gloves that i’m working diligently on, and i’m halfway through making, and that gives me just that much more hope for the future.  i’m DRIVING up to see my doc when i see her, rather than doing phone appointments now, which is HUGE!  And i’m getting out and being social on a semi-regular basis..which is also a big, big step.  (i’m making sure to take breaks at home for a few days at a time too, or i collapse and can’t function, so i still have to be careful)  i’ve even been riding Wolf’s motorcycle with him more often and for longer rides, and though i’m still a stiff rider, i’m getting more comfortable with it…it’s just so different with a helmet!  i’m not used to the gear, but i’m grateful for the added safety.

Wolf and i are still switching, which has turned out to be very healthy and fun for me, though i can only do it once in awhile or it’s too much for me.  So far, this new way of doing things seems to be much better for my psyche than the brand of submission where i have to be meek all the time and never get any opportunity to be reminded of the feel of my own power.  This way, i am still a submissive, and still get to be true to my heart and needs, but i get to fulfill ALL the range of my needs, (and my partner’s too, i hope) by being able to be sassy and uppity and have fun with it, as well as even Topping when it’s requested of me, and still doing it from a loose and happy submissive place in my mind.

It sounds complicated, but it’s not.  It’s fun, and i’m learning from it and enjoying it immensely.  🙂

We’ve reached a point where i am now wearing a buckling collar of Wolf’s choosing, and i have to say, i love it!  It’s both a level of interplay and exchange that i am ready for, but not feeling pressured by, and a surprisingly beautiful and comfortable piece of symbolic/practical jewelry.  We went to a pet-store, (as befitting my kitty-status, i thought) and he found the prettiest sliver-colored, leather and vinyl collar, with amazing shimmering hearts all across it that shine and reflect different colors according to the light and what you wear.  i couldn’t believe it!  It’s got little metal beads along the edge, and it seems to match any item of clothing i wear so far!  And i’ve been able to comfortably wear it while i sleep and everything!

It feels good to wear a collar in this context again, and i’m glad it is something i’m finding i don’t associate with anti-hubby at all.  My Owner is vastly different in all the important ways, and my collar is very different from what i once wore, and the behavior expected of me is so much more fun….that it is a drastically different and much more positive experience for me this time.

So far, i am very, very happy with that.  i certainly didn’t expect any of this, especially not within my first year of separation and divorce, but i am loving it so far.

Let’s not look this gift horse in the mouth, huh?  🙂