Tired of stress and illness

There are some really good things that have happened in my life, at the moment, and i’m SO grateful for those things, but i’m still more stressed than i should be and so tired of the near-constant illness of one sort or another, that i want to beat my head against the wall sometimes.  Granted, i use to be much sicker, every minute of everyday, and i am thankful that i am gradually getting stronger and healthier in general…i’m just frustrated and stressed and scared about how LONG it is all taking.  It’s taking forever to gain weight and keep it on, and it’s taking what feels like eons to get my life straightened out into some semblance of livable order.  The continual struggle just to pay bills and deal with my fears and physical craptasticness is wearing me down to a nub.

i am SO tired.

The ant-hubby finally paid some of what he owes in current spousal support, and it’s going to keep paying bills for the next two months, (thank God!) but the fact that he went so long without paying, and then paid in a lump sum stands a frightening chance of screwing up my foodstamps now..and since that’s the only way i can dependably afford to eat…it’s a legitimate worry that weighs on my mind.

That man is determined to make this as hard on me as he can.

It’s working.

i got my happy ass OUT, and took my dog and went to see a Harry Potter double feature at the local drive in, so i got to see the last movie on the night of it’s first release here in my area.  i have NEVER gone to a movie alone, (even with my dog) so it was a big step for me, and despite coming home with a monster migraine afterwards, i had a GREAT TIME!  🙂  i’m proud i did it, and extremely glad i went.  i even talked to a stranger in the line for the bathroom; something i haven’t been brave enough to do in ages…and everyone i encountered was really nice and pleasant.  We were all just there to have the last big hurrah for the Potter story, and to enjoy ourselves.  i wish i hadn’t gotten the headache at the end, but the overall experience was worth the pain.

But sick does feel like my middle name, lately.  And i’m having a hard time with it.  i can’t get rid of this damn cold, and now i seem to have what may or may not be a stomach bug on top of it.  *sigh*  i swear, if i could see these viruses and get hold of them, i would cheerfully beat them into a PULP.  My eyes are still nearly as bad as they were just after the weekend of the 4th, and i’m getting desperate to see an eye doctor and find out exactly what the problem is.

Though i think i already know what the problem is…and i’m mostly less than happy about it.

And poor Wolf, he was so sick yesterday, last night, and this morning, that he was white as a sheet and clammy to the touch.  But he went in to work early, anyway, and refuses to tell anyone he was ill.  (he’s feeling mostly better tonight)  Now his friends seem upset with him over the perceived slight of him not being there this morning when they needed him,  but damnit, he really WAS sick, and i wouldn’t have woken him once he finally got to sleep, for anything short of the end of the world.  He needed to sleep to be well enough for work.  And what’s making me nuts, is that i know his friends would understand if they just knew how sick he had actually been, and that he wasn’t blowing anybody off..but he flatly refuses to TELL anybody…insisting it would just sound like an excuse.

*puts ears back and lashes tail*  And this ONE trait among him and his friends is beginning to make me want to sink my teeth into all of them and start tearing out hunks of flesh.  *growls under breath*  NONE OF THEM ACTUALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!  They don’t talk about things when something’s wrong or someone’s hurt or pissed off…they don’t discuss or work things out much…and they don’t seem to be too great at giving each other the benefit of the doubt,  much of the time.  They obviously all love each other, and would do just about anything for one another…anything except TALK, and work out disagreements like adults.  (yes, i said it..and i’m sure i’ll pay for it, somewhere down the line)  But HOLY SHIT THIS IS SILLY!!

They are acting like, stubborn, judgmental, non-communicative, self-righteous, old MEN!!!  And i want to scratch at them all and hiss in their faces, because of the sheer frustration of not being able to FIX the situation.  Men are just ridiculous (in my opinion) about their misplaced pride and their inability to communicate..especially with one another.  i’m sure they will be fine, and after brooding and ignoring each other for awhile, they will act like nothing happened and forgive one another.  Great.  Good.

But why does there have to be a problem in the first place?  Why can’t they just TALK, and understand one another?  Why are men so DIFFICULT!?  *grrrrr*

And he really WAS sick.  And damnit, treating it like it’s some sort of shame on his part pisses me off.

*curls up in a ball and starts clawing quietly at the bedcovers*

Just call me “moody-defensive-kitty” tonight.  i want to defend Wolf and i want to smack him too.  Why can’t men just communicate?  If he would just admit he was sick, if he would have just told them…or if they would have just thought to ASK, instead of assuming Wolf just didn’t give a shit…..but NOOooooo….not men..not big, tough, males.  They have to be all silent and broody and not show weakness.

Bah!  *starts licking backs of paws*  It ruffles my fur the wrong way.  And i am too sick myself to do anything about it but bitch and moan.  (which is probably good, because none of this is really my business, anyway)  But dog-gone-it…*flexes claws slowly*…i want to defend Wolf.  He really was sick.  i was the one who watched him spike a fever while he slept and then sweat it out in record time.  i was there.  i want to attack anyone who doubts him.  But if he won’t TELL anyone, how can i blame them for not-knowing?

*sighs and settles head on paws*  Men.  Sometimes they are a mystery i love trying to solve….and sometimes i just want to rip them apart and see if they are tasty with ketchup.  Ugh.

i hope Wolf is better tonight, poor guy.

While i’m at it; i hope i get better soon too.



Family 4th and sick

i got to go see my family for the 4th holiday, partially thanks to Wolf’s and his friends efforts.  i’m still not strong enough mentally and physically to make the drive alone, (it’s a long drive) so Wolf and his friends moved work hours around so he could go with me.  i didn’t do so well with the driving, it took me half of forever to get there and to get back, but i DID it.  And that’s a good step in the right direction.  And except for one bad episode with my sister, i had a really, really good time!  i even bit the bullet and went fishing with my dad and Wolf, and i not only became an accomplished worm-stabber, without crying or freaking out (poor little buggars) but i actually caught two fish!!!

And we threw all the fish we caught back, this time…i have not yet made it to the “kill something and eat it” stage….not ready for that yet, but feel like i am making good progress, and i’m proud of that.  i’m eating cheese/dairy daily now, and i was even able to eat some “normal” food at the 4th reunion, so i’m happy with that progress too.

AND, i got to see my childhood friend and his family too, and he’s always been like my little brother, so that was a treat that touched my heart more than i can say.  It was worth the exhaustion and the gas money and all the effort, to actually get out there to see everyone again..it had been much, much too long.

Unfortunately, the whole 3-day extravaganza wore me out until i feel as thin and transparent as typing paper.  When i got home, i slept 12 hours straight, and have been sleeping 12 hours at a time each night/day since.  i came down with a nasty sore-throat/cold as soon as i woke up the first day back, and i’ve been down with it like i’ve been hit by the yucky-truck.  i’m irritable, bored, sick, and frustrated that i’m too ill to get anything done.

But it’s par for the course for me; i expend that much energy, and i pay for it in illness and major recoup-time.  i hope someday it won’t be that way, but for now, it’s just life.

And honestly, it feels like it was worth the price.  🙂

i saw family.  i saw fireworks and fireflies on the grounds where my old gradeschool used to be.  i saw Wolf accepted as someone i care about, and saw myself finally treated more like an adult human-being, and with something approaching respect, as well as love, by most of my family.  And no one asked me questions i couldn’t bear to think about or answer.

i even slept while i was there.

There were oddities that i am still struggling with, and i admit, i HATE being sick….but it was worth it.

i DO need stronger sunglasses, though.  Ugh.