Good Beginnings

i know it’s been forever, and i’m still struggling with my health, but i weigh 89 pounds, even after being sick the past couple days, and while i’d love to be gaining weight…at this time of year, just not losing makes me pretty darn happy.  My fears and phobias are still making life interesting and difficult, but i am THRILLED to be divorced, happy to be free to follow my own dreams and desires, and as scared as i still am, i have HOPE.  And this time the hope seems real, and not delusional.

Believe it or not, after so incredibly LONG waiting and hoping and begging and pleading and arguing and working and crying….now..now that my ex-husband, the anti-hubby, is HISTORY and he can’t stop me….NOW, i am finally able to take those small-seeming steps that are so HUGE to me.  NOW….i’m finally getting some of the things i make, up in my own on-line store!!!  It’s slow, and i have lots to learn about taking pictures and editing them, as well as all the other things you learn as you go in the on-line world….but my kitty-hats are where i have started, and though there will soon be much more to choose from, there are already some nice kitty-ear hats, scarves, and gloves/paws in my store!

This step seems so small, but it means more than i can say; in fact, i am too emotional to talk about it!  🙂  So i’m going to try to add the link to my store in this post…let’s see if it will work!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/KatnipKitty

For me, this is a good beginning.

kitty

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Excuse the Technical Difficulties

My computer just totally went down for about a month,  so a lot has happened since i wrote here last.  For one thing, i am totally and legally DIVORCED!!!  🙂  The problems with the lawyer got straightened out, and he really came through for me.  i’m so glad it’s all over…there are no words for the relief i feel.  i’m still struggling financially, and have no insurance at the moment, but there are some really hopeful things in the wind with SSI, that might help with that soon.  *crosses paws*

The court date went well; i had friends with me, and for once, the excitement and relief i was feeling overpowered the fear.  The anti-hubby is now my ex for good, and though we did not speak or get near one another, he did take the time to put all my old photos on a disc and return them to me through my lawyer.  That was a final kindness on his part that made me glad i’d gotten together a little shoe-box of things i thought he might want back and return them through his lawyer.  That day, i did not feel sorry for him.  Though he looked bad, and as though he was having his own rough time, i felt mostly nerves, relief, and triumph that i had come this far, stuck with it, and gotten my freedom at last.

In the weeks since, i have found the capacity within myself to sometimes feel sad for him…to hope that he is facing his real demons and making life better for himself and those close to him.  Once or twice, i have even felt for a second, like if he doesn’t do anymore to hurt or trouble me, i could probably forgive him in the long run…which i find myself surprised but happy to feel.  (even for a second)  i’m not ready to forgive him now…but i don’t like being an angry or hateful person, and it’s a relief to me to know that someday i won’t need to hold on to the anger or the hurt.  Someday i might be able to forgive him completely and let the bitterness go.  That would be good.

Sometime…but not right now.  🙂

Now is for just living in my own skin and getting used to the feeling of relief and joy and possibility.  Now is for continuing to see how i like living on my own, (it’s been about a year now, can you believe it!?!) and getting to know myself, my wants, and my needs…and even my likes, better.

At this point, i’m finally free to say and do what i want without fear it will be somehow used against me in court to make me look bad…and that leaves me thinking about where i want to go with this blog and this site.  Where did i want it to go to begin with?  Can i write about kitty-play, BDSM, and Therian-related things in a public forum?  Am i brave enough to do that?  Do i still want to?  Or do i want to make this blog solely about my kitty-business and the costuming and gear i love to make?

Where do i want to go from here, now that the sky is the limit?

That is the question, isn’t it?  🙂

Sleep Tight,

kitty

Kill all the lawyers?

i’m beginning to understand why so many people say all lawyers should be strangled.

i am knee-deep in shit i don’t understand, and i’m running around like a chicken with my head cut-off, trying to get all my stupid ducks in a row in time for the last court date this month.  But my lawyer is being a real, super-duper ASS all the sudden, is not communicating anything important with or to me about what i’m supposed to be agreeing to, and today he fucking BAWLED ME OUT for calling and trying to talk to him!

i won’t even get into the shit the disability lawyers seem to be trying to pull on me.

i feel very much at the mercy of a system i don’t understand, and men i can’t seem to actually trust.

And the anti-hubby appears about to get away with most of the shit he’s pulled, and even get the settlement he wanted…and i hardly seem to get a vote at all.

i’m praying this all works out for the best, (for me) and i’m driving everyone crazy with questions about the details and the paperwork, in an attempt to not find myself stuck agreeing to something i DON’T agree to.  But damn, i can’t get over the very obvious feeling that i am being screwed.

i am losing weight again, damn it…this is too much stress.

i made it to the dentist today, though, and got a lot of work done, and worked out some good-faith payments plans with the dentist himself.  i may not be screwed on that front, at least.   Go me.

*sigh*

i want to crawl under a rock, i am so tired….or maybe just smash things…i need rest and a serious outlet.  i was so angry and scared after my lawyer bawled me out, i shook for hours tonight.

i will NOT feel guilty for being proactive and concerned about my own case.  i will force myself to be as calm and harmless as i can around him, but i WILL get some answers and get my needs heard on this case, or i will stand up in court at the last hearing and throw a wrench in everything by simply saying i don’t agree with what my lawyer has laid out.

i will be nice, i will be nice, i will be nice.  (repeat it enough; i might manage i)  i will look innocent and stupid if i have to, but i will do all i can to get the terms i can live with.

But LORD, i really, REALLY need some rest and some piece of mind.  i can’t take anymore of this uber-high stress level.

*lays head on paws*

i wish this was easier,

kitty

Hard…

Tonight is just…hard.

i’ve been doing Ok since the last court date, despite all the uncertainty and serious lack of answers for the coming court date.  (the last one, thank God)  i’ve even been out on the motorcycle more with Wolf, and it’s been great…i’m getting more comfortable, i think, each time, and the fact that he understands how i love to ride, regardless of my fears, is a real joy to me.  It’s nice to know you don’t have to explain your passion for something once in awhile…it’s nice that he just “gets” it.  🙂  i found a perfect little leather jacket for me, at a local second hand store, and it fits so well and is so comfortable that i’m in love with the thing.  i hand-scrubbed it with a soft cloth and soap and water, rubbed it dry, and then lathered and buffed it with the old bottle of leather lotion i’ve kept around for years for my shoes and toys.  It helped clean it up so much!  i’m so happy about that; it’s alsways nice to find ways to get things clean that don’t include spending more money.  (especially since i am broke)  We tested the jacket (because i originally got it for riding, but now i’ll probably wear it a lot of the time in general) on the highway, and THAT was an experience!  i’d been on the highway before, but we rode at speeds between 55 and 65, and while it was a rush and a challenge for my neck, it was also really nice because i could still look around and see and enjoy my surroundings.  Well, Wolf decided to try me out at faster speeds, and i had no idea why the ride was different, because i couldn’t move my head enough to see the speedometer, but i figured we had to be going faster than normal because i couldn’t move my head around without major discomfort.  (i had to keep my head right behind his, to not be knocked around by the wind)  And sure enough, when we came home from the ride and i stumbled in a giddy stupor off the back of the bike, he told me that we had been up at 100 miles an hour on the highway.  i was more than a little stunned, and strangely happy…i’ve never even gone that fast in a car!  And he kept marveling at the way he said i “din’t flinch”, which really made me feel good at heart.  i fear so many things in life..it’s hard to explain why the fear i feel at times on a bike doesn’t usually faze me…or even the oddity that there are times on a bike where i actually feel no fear at all…even when i probably should.  There just is not explaining that.

But Wolf understands it, and he really does see that there is iron in me, despite the obvious outside layers of fear and weakness…and i cherish that in ways i simply don’t have words for.  And though i don’t want to go at speeds so fast very often, i truly do cherish the memory of that ride as well….the rush…the trust…the giving myself over to whatever was going to happen…and the fact that i DID it.

i have lost or given up so many things in the time i spent with the anti-hubby, and to not only have my life-long dream of riding back, but to be DOING it…and to be moving slowly closer to maybe one day riding on my own as well….that is a miracle i treasure!  🙂

But tonight is hard.

It is filling up with the worry and stress of the coming days and weeks, as things come down to the wire with SSI, spousal support, and the final days of my divorce.  Things feel dangerously close to a rolling cluster-fuck in my world, as i try to get my ducks in some sort of row before the last court appearance..the one that decides what i will get; what i will live on, and FINALLY officializes this divorce once and for all.  SSI gave me money, but did so without making any actual determination as to my status or case, and now they want the money back, because of the confusing and erratic way the anti-hubby has been paying..and not paying my spousal support.  (luckily, i anticipated this, and haven’t spent a dime of the SSI money, but i am totally broke without it, if Mr. Crazy Pants doesn’t pay this month)  Then i got legal paperwork in the mail telling me i needed to provide documentation to my lawyer and the court before the 10-15, but the center pages were MISSING, so i have no idea WHAT papers i’m supposed to supply!

This month, starting this week, is going to be filled with so much bullshit, and the cramming of so many last-minute things into my last month with insurance, that i litterally vibrate with the stress and fear it is all bringing up in me.  There’s the vet for the dog, multiple dental visits for me, SSI appointments to make and papers to straighten out, and Lawyer appointments to make and paperwork and all to straighten out there as well.  And somewhere in all the back and forth, i have to verify EXACTLY how long the insurance will cover me and when it will end, and also get my ass out to Job and Family Services again, to re-apply for health insurance through them.

It is, i hope, the last month i will have to endure with such complete uncertainty as to how i will live, and what i can expect in the future in the basics of food, clothing, shelter and medical needs….i hope the end of this month will see the beginning of real and manageable stability for me….but it is going to be a hard last step to take.  A hard and confusing jungle of details i will have to slog through, and i feel the weight of it pressing down on me.

i will hang in there.  i will continue to make goals a day at a time, and keep working at meeting those goals.  i will distract myself as best i can with good and happy things tonight…and any night i reasonably can..and i WILL persevere.  i am nearing the end of that road i barely dared believe i could take…it is almost officially over and the law will finally reflect what my heart has felt for a long, long time.  i will be free of him.  i will find my way, with help, with friends, with love…but NOT with HIM..not ever again.

For that…i will endure this hardest month, and maybe i will get very lucky and find that it will not be so hard at all.

i have made it SO FAR; farther than i sometimes thought possible.  i’m not going to roll over and give up now.  i have life to live, for as long as God sees fit to bless me with it, and dog-gone-it, i’m not wasting anymore of it!  Though the last 8 months have been stressful and scary, they have been wonderful and enjoyable too.

i have LIFE again.

The anti-hubby can KISS MY ASS.

Kat

Nervous, court again

ANOTHER, UTI, isn’t life fun?

But i’m hanging in there, taking my medicine, sleeping a lot, and generally getting well as fast as i can manage.  i’m seeing a D.O. the end of this month, so maybe i can get some good answers as to why all the infections in the first place.

It’s back to divorce court again, the end of this week, and of course, i am scared and nervous as hell….but it’s the second-to-the-last hurdle, and once i’ve made it, there will only be one more to go before i am officially and totally free.  Thank God.  i want to hide under the bed, and my stomach is in unhappy knots, but i will do this, and somehow get through it, and then i can come home, and rest, and get back to my own life for another month.  Just got to try to think happy thoughts.

i got another kitty ear hat and paws commission, and it’s ready to go to it’s new loving home, which makes me really happy.  i also am nearly done with a faux fur commissioned ear and tail set for a local girl, and i sold another cuddle mouse from Kitten’s store on-line!  AND, i need to finish up some more mice for her to pick up and use in her booth at the convention she is going to this weekend!  i’m excited, but i feel like time should slow down some and give me a chance to get everything done.  On top of all this, i still need to make sure my court clothes are ready, and that i have all my paperwork and numbers ready to go, so i can present it to my lawyer and discuss it before we walk into the hearing…SO much to do.

But i got to ride a motorcycle on the highway the other day! i went for a walk in a beautiful cemetery with Wolf, and i’ve gotten the hang of balancing my checkbook and basic on-line banking.  i’ve been shopping on my own, (went to a book store..but it’s a good step) and despite the ups and downs and the UTI, i’m still having some really good days sometimes.

i hope to have more good days soon.  🙂

But now, i have to go and get shit DONE!

kitty

Good Days

Time just seems to be flying lately, and i keep so busy that i have to remind myself to find time to post.  Frankly, i need to remember to do it, just so i’ll have an outlet, if nothing else.

The anti-hubby shocked me silly and paid again this month; i am glad, because i have bill collectors practically knocking down my doors and i need that stupid money to catch up and get things settled…but i HATE needing anything from him..even the spousal support.  BUT, for now, i do, and i’m dealing with it.  I’d be happier that he paid, if it wasn’t for the fact that i think he paid again just because we go to court later this month, and i think he figures it will make him look better if he pays now…and then he’ll stop paying again after the court stuff is done.  But i’ll cross that bridge if i come to it, i guess; at least he’s paying at the moment.  That’s a good thing, and gives me a little room to breathe.

i had trouble with illness through part of July, but so far this month has mostly been good days…and i am REALLY happy about it.  i’ve gotten a custom kitty hat and paws finished, got a custom ear-and-tail order that i’m 3/4 of the way finished with, my walls are finally getting the homey-touches hung up where i want them, (thanks to help from people i love…some of that shit is HEAVY!) and i may even be starting to get a handle on my laundry…maybe.  And even though i could PUNCH the vet for how badly i think they treated both myself and my dog, i still managed to get her in and get her seen, and all her vaccinations and tests are now up to date…which is a very good thing.

Wolf took me out for a real “outside” date this weekend, and it was so funny, i didn’t even realize it was a “date” until afterward!  🙂  We just have fun together so naturally, i haven’t needed the typical date-stuff much.  But it was really nice; i can’t believe i was actually able to go OUT like we did, but i went, and it was fun!  We went to a local dance club that he and his friends like, and i was scared at first, but there were so many other people just having a good time and not caring if they looked silly or good or anything..they just were having fun, and it helped me feel better.  Wolf even got me to dance, which i never, ever really do, (i’m not a great club dancer)  But i RELAXED!!!  (at least somewhat) i was careful to stop when i felt winded and dizzy, so i wouldn’t get too worn out or burn up too many calories, but it really was just plain FUN for me.  (by the way, i weigh 90 pounds now, and i’m hoping to keep it up!)  Wolf doesn’t seem to sweat it too much, what people might or might not think about him, and that helps me worry less about it too.  It’s a nice change from what i was used to with the anti-hubby…he was ALWAYS wanting people to think he was “cool”, which mostly ended up making me want to slap him all the time.

Yep, Wolf is a nice change all the way around.  🙂

Of course, life on my own is a nice change all the way around too…scary and financially crazy, but still a vast improvement over what my life was just 6 months ago.

i’m nervous about the up-coming court date…i’m really, REALLY nervous…but however scary it all seems to me, with every passing month i feel a little stronger in my heart, and a little more myself over all.  Piece by piece and bit by tiny bit, i am finding myself again…who i was and who i am and who i want to be.  And i have HOPE.  i have JOY.  And i have soft, furry things to cuddle….what more could a kitty ask for?  (stability, maybe??  Naaahhh.)

Wolf took me to the mall one night not long ago, (i haven’t been to a mall in probably about 8 years) and i definitely still don’t like malls much…too many people and things in one smallish space, and too much of an overload.  But i have to admit that it’s a fun thing to do every once in a great while.  🙂  i was STUNNED to discover that the 80’s seemed to have exploded all over everything!!!  There were even jelly bracelets and rings like i remember wearing as a kid…thank heaven i didn’t see any jams-shorts anywhere though…i might have run screaming.  There were lots of fun things about the 80’s…jams were NOT one of them.  🙂

The joy of my mall visit though, had to be my discovery that someone has decided that animal print, specifically spotted-CAT print, is “in style” now.  When i wasn’t busy suffering from major social overload, i was drooling over all the pretty, and often fuzzy or FURRY, kitty-print!!  It was everywhere!  And i spent actual money on myself, (which i don’t do real often, since i have to make every penny count) and brought home a unique kind of faux-fur kitty hat/scarf/paws thing that i’d never seen one like before.  i LOVE the thing, and look forward to wearing it in the cold weather, (for now i just cuddle it a lot) but it’s also a good inspirations piece for making something similar of my own to sell with my other kitty gear..so it was a happy investment all around.  🙂

i’m sleeping better hours again now, and i’d like to keep myself on this schedule for as long as my body will let me, so i have to watch the time.  Which means, i have to get my butt off here for tonight.  But it has been good…i have had some truly good days, and i am very, very grateful for it.

Katnip

Grrrrr……………

If the anti-hubby does not start paying soon, not only will i kick, scream, and be desperately poor (more so than now, even) and worry myself half-sick, (which i’m already doing)  But i think i will have a seriously hard time not wishing very nasty thing to happen to him.

Visualize 10 tons of horse manure falling from the sky, directly onto his head.

Oh yes..manure can be a beautiful thing.

(i am so worried and pissed off)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr………….

Katnip

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