Good Beginnings

i know it’s been forever, and i’m still struggling with my health, but i weigh 89 pounds, even after being sick the past couple days, and while i’d love to be gaining weight…at this time of year, just not losing makes me pretty darn happy.  My fears and phobias are still making life interesting and difficult, but i am THRILLED to be divorced, happy to be free to follow my own dreams and desires, and as scared as i still am, i have HOPE.  And this time the hope seems real, and not delusional.

Believe it or not, after so incredibly LONG waiting and hoping and begging and pleading and arguing and working and crying….now..now that my ex-husband, the anti-hubby, is HISTORY and he can’t stop me….NOW, i am finally able to take those small-seeming steps that are so HUGE to me.  NOW….i’m finally getting some of the things i make, up in my own on-line store!!!  It’s slow, and i have lots to learn about taking pictures and editing them, as well as all the other things you learn as you go in the on-line world….but my kitty-hats are where i have started, and though there will soon be much more to choose from, there are already some nice kitty-ear hats, scarves, and gloves/paws in my store!

This step seems so small, but it means more than i can say; in fact, i am too emotional to talk about it!  🙂  So i’m going to try to add the link to my store in this post…let’s see if it will work!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/KatnipKitty

For me, this is a good beginning.

kitty

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Excuse the Technical Difficulties

My computer just totally went down for about a month,  so a lot has happened since i wrote here last.  For one thing, i am totally and legally DIVORCED!!!  🙂  The problems with the lawyer got straightened out, and he really came through for me.  i’m so glad it’s all over…there are no words for the relief i feel.  i’m still struggling financially, and have no insurance at the moment, but there are some really hopeful things in the wind with SSI, that might help with that soon.  *crosses paws*

The court date went well; i had friends with me, and for once, the excitement and relief i was feeling overpowered the fear.  The anti-hubby is now my ex for good, and though we did not speak or get near one another, he did take the time to put all my old photos on a disc and return them to me through my lawyer.  That was a final kindness on his part that made me glad i’d gotten together a little shoe-box of things i thought he might want back and return them through his lawyer.  That day, i did not feel sorry for him.  Though he looked bad, and as though he was having his own rough time, i felt mostly nerves, relief, and triumph that i had come this far, stuck with it, and gotten my freedom at last.

In the weeks since, i have found the capacity within myself to sometimes feel sad for him…to hope that he is facing his real demons and making life better for himself and those close to him.  Once or twice, i have even felt for a second, like if he doesn’t do anymore to hurt or trouble me, i could probably forgive him in the long run…which i find myself surprised but happy to feel.  (even for a second)  i’m not ready to forgive him now…but i don’t like being an angry or hateful person, and it’s a relief to me to know that someday i won’t need to hold on to the anger or the hurt.  Someday i might be able to forgive him completely and let the bitterness go.  That would be good.

Sometime…but not right now.  🙂

Now is for just living in my own skin and getting used to the feeling of relief and joy and possibility.  Now is for continuing to see how i like living on my own, (it’s been about a year now, can you believe it!?!) and getting to know myself, my wants, and my needs…and even my likes, better.

At this point, i’m finally free to say and do what i want without fear it will be somehow used against me in court to make me look bad…and that leaves me thinking about where i want to go with this blog and this site.  Where did i want it to go to begin with?  Can i write about kitty-play, BDSM, and Therian-related things in a public forum?  Am i brave enough to do that?  Do i still want to?  Or do i want to make this blog solely about my kitty-business and the costuming and gear i love to make?

Where do i want to go from here, now that the sky is the limit?

That is the question, isn’t it?  🙂

Sleep Tight,

kitty

Hormonal kitty…

Holy cow, i am in hormone hell!  It is crazy!  i guess all the combined stress and excitement of moving, divorce, dating, attempting to be even a little social, and dealing with the county, bills, and “normal” day-to-day stuff, has just plain thrown my girly-workings into a big old SNIT!  i spot and cramp and feel like poo for a week at a time, but don’t just BLEED and get it OVER WITH!!!  (Grrrrr….)  NOOoooooo, i have to have all the uncomfortable symptoms, and no real relief!

*stalks in a kitty circle and whips tail back and forth*

And because i am in hormone hell, EVERY little thing is bothering me ten times more than it normally would, yet i have little to no energy to FIX it!  *yoooowwlgrrrrrrr*

i want all the boxes emptied and finished, and all the crap inside them either cleaned and put away properly, or given away to the appropriate people or charities, or thrown in the trash or burned!  And i want the floor clear of dust bunnies and fur and sparkling clean, and i want ALL my dishes and laundry DONE, and i want my damn beautiful canopy up and settled, and i want it all RIGHT THIS FREAKING MINUTE!!!  *glares around with fur standing on end*

But i have a migraine that won’t quit, and i’ve already had it a day or two, and that, along with the lovely and various splendiferous cramps-of-no-good-reason, leave me feeling too wasted and worn out to DO any of the things i want to DO!  *pants a little*

i’m angry and irritable, (over nothing at all) and at the same time, i want to rub my body all over anything and everything i can.  i have an itch i can’t scratch and it’s driving me batty.  (surely that’s a hormonal/cat thing too?)  i want to be bitten and clawed…i want to play around and wrestle all this frustration out of me.  i’m just about to the point of ripping a pillow to shreds with my teeth….but i can’t afford a new pillow if i ruin one!  *sigh*

My skin is just too tight today, and i can’t get comfortable.  And, as usual, some of the things i want to say, i can’t.  It makes me feel confined; trapped.  It irks me that i have to even THINK about what the ex will do with this blog if he gets the chance.  i HATE giving him even that tiny bit of control in my life.

Thank God it won’t last more than a few months.  (i sure as hell hope).

And HOLY SHIT, i feel like the ugliest, most un-girly-girl in the whole world right now.  (also a very hormonal thing, i think..who doesn’t feel this way once a month?)  My clothes don’t fit, and most of them are FAR from sexy anyway, and here i am, newly on my own, and wanting to feel pretty and sexy…even just a little bit…even just if only for myself, and the few pretties i own don’t fit, or are SO OLD that they are ripped and falling apart.  (which, can be fun in it’s own way, i guess)  But i am taking this truly whiny and hormonal opportunity to wail at the top of my not-quite-minuscule lungs, that I WANT TO BE PRETTY!!!!  i am sick to death of little to no lace or ruffles or see-through fabric!  i am no longer living with a person i fear, and i don’t want to feel frumpy all the time anymore.  (although there will always be days when i love and cherish the feel of soft, frumpy clothes)  i want lacy underwear, and bras that FIT ME NOW, and i don’t have to keep pulling and yanking at them just to keep them ON.  i want to curl my HAIR, and i want nail polish that actually STAYS ON for awhile..not this natural shit i’ve been trying to use for years, but never works or stays on for more than two days before it starts peeling and flaking off onto everything i touch!!  *pants some more*  Can’t a girl have ONE vice!?!  Can’t i just get normal nail polish without it setting off some chemical allergy in me or some other annoying thing?   ARGHHhhhhhh!!!!!!  *kicks at box on floor*

*hops up and down holding bruised toe and looking sheepish*

*sigh*  i am just a feral kitty today.  *sits down quietly*  It may pass in an hour, or last another day or two.  My body is in a type of pain i don’t at all enjoy, and my mind is yammering at me about all the things that are less than perfect in my life, and it won’t shut up, and i’m spoiling for a good fight.  (don’t mistake it for the bad kind of fight…i do NOT want that)  i want to feel/be pretty….i want pain of my own choosing to drown out the pain i have no choice about…i want to get something good out of all the yucky feelings my body and mind are having.

i want a challenge!  i want to transform all this badness into something really good.

And i want to use my claws.

 

katnip

Protect the Property

This whole past week seems to have just been a walk through one version of hell or another.  Granted, it could have been worse, and it isn’t, and i am ENORMOUSLY thankful, but it still has been very, very hard.  (and i’m not even going into the green snot that won’t stop, the period of perpetual emotion, and my desire to come up with some sort of RAID product to kill all viral bugs DEAD! Ugh.)

Aside from being disgustingly sick with a flu that hangs on and just won’t let go, the emotional fall-out from the anti-hubby’s over-the-top and beyond-the-pale tantrum last week has just worn me out.  Today is the first day i haven’t been shaking so continuously it felt like i was vibrating.  (in a not-fun kind of way)  Fear of being homeless, of being penniless and unable to support myself has suddenly snuck up and eaten me alive.  This whole week was my unique and interesting struggle to make it Yak me back up again, so i could get on with living.  i have done more crying, and less sleeping, than any woman should ever have to do who isn’t pregnant.  🙂  (pregnancy hormones give everyone a free pass for moodiness!)

But i have friends who care, and are trying to give support when they can, (which helps more than they know…sometimes a kind word and a hug can keep a person from utter despair, seriously) and i am still sticking with the logical plans i have in place to get me out of here safely and as soon as possible.  i just have about 3 emergency plans in place too, in case everything goes to hell in a handbasket.  i am TERRIFIED of not getting the financial and health care aid i need, or of not getting it in time, and being left destitute and shit out of luck…for nothing worse than the crime of being disabled and abused.

And that not only makes me frightened, but it makes me ANGRY.  (hence the entire week of shaking uncontrollably)

And now the anti-hubby has finished his last abuser-recovery class.  That’s right, they let him out!  They gave him his walking papers, and BOY, is he happy about that!  And i have to admit, it turns my stomach to angry knots of intestine-eating acid.  To me, it feels like he is simply getting away with it all…i get to fear for my life, future, and well-being, and he gets a little diploma and a pat on the back for talking about nothing in a class for a few weeks.

And his behavior and abuse haven’t changed.  Grrrrr.

Yet my irritating and ridiculous emotions choose this week to suddenly play me false and mess with my reality by reminding me left and right of the “good times” we once had in this marriage, and how much i once adored him…how much he seemed to love me once.  And i find myself falling into the trap of blaming myself, again and again, becoming confused about how all this happened and why, and HOW on earth we got HERE.

But none of it matters, and i know that.

None of it matters now, except that it has all gone too far, and i HAVE to leave, and it doesn’t matter if my heart is breaking.  It doesn’t matter that i don’t understand the how and the why.  All that matters is the ONE and ONLY good slave rule he ever understood and ever gave me…PROTECT THE PROPERTY…(and by property, he meant me)  In a good moment once, a long time ago, when he was in a moment of understanding that his behavior toward me was not what it should be…back when i was still his slave, i had mentioned that phrase from a book i had read, and he latched onto it and said “YES!..Yes, that is the cardinal rule i want you to follow, no matter what.  Protect the property….even if it means protecting yourself from me.”

And so i pack boxes, and force myself to eat food that i can’t taste beyond the bitterness in my heart, and fill out paperwork i don’t understand, and debase and humiliate myself at every turn in the hope of getting the aid i need from the county or state to at least live and feed myself….because that is what it amounts too.  That is what is at stake now.  My life.

Never mind that i have not been his slave for years.  Never mind that there is almost no love at all left between us to bind us in even the smallest way.  A deeper instinct has risen up and has taken over my motions, my body, my life.  i want to survive.  And so, in this ONE thing, i still obey him….i protect the property…despite all self-destructive notions to the contrary.    i will get out.  i will move on.  i will live.

It will be my last act of obedience to him, and he will never even see it for what it is, or understand the tragedy of it.

It doesn’t matter.

i will protect the property.

 

*Katnip*

 

 

New Years Resolution with a Kinky Twist

The migraine toned itself down to a dull roar, and the anti-hubby went out to a party and crashed there, so i had the place to myself and actually RELAXED and had a good time on New Years Eve!  i got a lot achieved during the early part of the day, but by evening i got into the proper spirit of doing nothing but things that i enjoyed.  My dog and kitty and i curled up on the couch and watched fun movies (including Earth Girls Are Easy!) and watched the ball drop, and listened to the neighbors come out at midnight and make all kinds of happy noise.

It was good, and it felt right.  🙂

But for what seems like the better part of the end of December, everybody was talking about their New Years Resolutions, and what they wanted to do or change.  In fact, people had whole lists of things!  And i thought it was great for them, but over and over i was coming up empty.

Maybe that’s because i’m already in the process of making the big change that would have been my resolution, had i thought about it.  (divorce is that, for me)  And it’s true, i did manage to say that i would resolve to spend more time with the friends and family i love…and i mean that from the bottom of my heart…but is it really a NY’s resolution, or was it just what i was already starting to focus on doing more often, regardless of the date?

And today, New Years Day, it finally came to me, in a blinding flash of painful obviousness.

i resolve, in 2011, i WILL find play-partners and lovers and friends, and MAYBE even a real lasting relationship, but i absolutely resolve that there WILL BE KINK IN MY LIFE ON A REGULAR BASIS!  And it will be safe and fun, and i will do it for ME; because it’s about damn time i did something i really wanted to JUST because i wanted to.  i am so ready to play that it’s not just an itch i can’t scratch, it’s near to whiny-ass pain some days!  i want to dress up, or dress down; i want to be spanked, chased, and smacked with a riding crop.  i want to squeal with glee, cry with pain, and whimper with need.  i want cuffs and collars and my hair pulled until my eyes glaze over and my brain goes fuzzy and i can hear seconds stretching to hours.  And i want to be with and talk to people who understand, enjoy, and appreciate my desires and aren’t ashamed of their own.

In short, i want my life to me mine; kinky and wonderful and mine for once.  Even as i submit, when i choose to, it will still be mine.

Oh yes, it WILL be mine!  🙂  (no one makes movies like Wayne’s World anymore..)

As i packed yet another box toward the goal of moving out and moving on, (today it was my faux-furs for kitty gear…i needed to organize it so i could focus anyway) i realized how many friends i have that are into the same or similar things that i’m into, and it finally started to sink in that i am free to play now, with any of them that i trust who will extend that honor to me.

i have spent 10 years never focusing on getting my own needs met or having any fun…and life is too short for more of that.

So, this year, i will try to have more faith….more faith in God, more faith in people, more faith in myself, more faith in life….and i will go out there and get my kink on!!!  🙂

Happy 2011 to you all!

 

*Katnip*