Tonight is just…hard.

i’ve been doing Ok since the last court date, despite all the uncertainty and serious lack of answers for the coming court date.  (the last one, thank God)  i’ve even been out on the motorcycle more with Wolf, and it’s been great…i’m getting more comfortable, i think, each time, and the fact that he understands how i love to ride, regardless of my fears, is a real joy to me.  It’s nice to know you don’t have to explain your passion for something once in awhile…it’s nice that he just “gets” it.  🙂  i found a perfect little leather jacket for me, at a local second hand store, and it fits so well and is so comfortable that i’m in love with the thing.  i hand-scrubbed it with a soft cloth and soap and water, rubbed it dry, and then lathered and buffed it with the old bottle of leather lotion i’ve kept around for years for my shoes and toys.  It helped clean it up so much!  i’m so happy about that; it’s alsways nice to find ways to get things clean that don’t include spending more money.  (especially since i am broke)  We tested the jacket (because i originally got it for riding, but now i’ll probably wear it a lot of the time in general) on the highway, and THAT was an experience!  i’d been on the highway before, but we rode at speeds between 55 and 65, and while it was a rush and a challenge for my neck, it was also really nice because i could still look around and see and enjoy my surroundings.  Well, Wolf decided to try me out at faster speeds, and i had no idea why the ride was different, because i couldn’t move my head enough to see the speedometer, but i figured we had to be going faster than normal because i couldn’t move my head around without major discomfort.  (i had to keep my head right behind his, to not be knocked around by the wind)  And sure enough, when we came home from the ride and i stumbled in a giddy stupor off the back of the bike, he told me that we had been up at 100 miles an hour on the highway.  i was more than a little stunned, and strangely happy…i’ve never even gone that fast in a car!  And he kept marveling at the way he said i “din’t flinch”, which really made me feel good at heart.  i fear so many things in life..it’s hard to explain why the fear i feel at times on a bike doesn’t usually faze me…or even the oddity that there are times on a bike where i actually feel no fear at all…even when i probably should.  There just is not explaining that.

But Wolf understands it, and he really does see that there is iron in me, despite the obvious outside layers of fear and weakness…and i cherish that in ways i simply don’t have words for.  And though i don’t want to go at speeds so fast very often, i truly do cherish the memory of that ride as well….the rush…the trust…the giving myself over to whatever was going to happen…and the fact that i DID it.

i have lost or given up so many things in the time i spent with the anti-hubby, and to not only have my life-long dream of riding back, but to be DOING it…and to be moving slowly closer to maybe one day riding on my own as well….that is a miracle i treasure!  🙂

But tonight is hard.

It is filling up with the worry and stress of the coming days and weeks, as things come down to the wire with SSI, spousal support, and the final days of my divorce.  Things feel dangerously close to a rolling cluster-fuck in my world, as i try to get my ducks in some sort of row before the last court appearance..the one that decides what i will get; what i will live on, and FINALLY officializes this divorce once and for all.  SSI gave me money, but did so without making any actual determination as to my status or case, and now they want the money back, because of the confusing and erratic way the anti-hubby has been paying..and not paying my spousal support.  (luckily, i anticipated this, and haven’t spent a dime of the SSI money, but i am totally broke without it, if Mr. Crazy Pants doesn’t pay this month)  Then i got legal paperwork in the mail telling me i needed to provide documentation to my lawyer and the court before the 10-15, but the center pages were MISSING, so i have no idea WHAT papers i’m supposed to supply!

This month, starting this week, is going to be filled with so much bullshit, and the cramming of so many last-minute things into my last month with insurance, that i litterally vibrate with the stress and fear it is all bringing up in me.  There’s the vet for the dog, multiple dental visits for me, SSI appointments to make and papers to straighten out, and Lawyer appointments to make and paperwork and all to straighten out there as well.  And somewhere in all the back and forth, i have to verify EXACTLY how long the insurance will cover me and when it will end, and also get my ass out to Job and Family Services again, to re-apply for health insurance through them.

It is, i hope, the last month i will have to endure with such complete uncertainty as to how i will live, and what i can expect in the future in the basics of food, clothing, shelter and medical needs….i hope the end of this month will see the beginning of real and manageable stability for me….but it is going to be a hard last step to take.  A hard and confusing jungle of details i will have to slog through, and i feel the weight of it pressing down on me.

i will hang in there.  i will continue to make goals a day at a time, and keep working at meeting those goals.  i will distract myself as best i can with good and happy things tonight…and any night i reasonably can..and i WILL persevere.  i am nearing the end of that road i barely dared believe i could take…it is almost officially over and the law will finally reflect what my heart has felt for a long, long time.  i will be free of him.  i will find my way, with help, with friends, with love…but NOT with HIM..not ever again.

For that…i will endure this hardest month, and maybe i will get very lucky and find that it will not be so hard at all.

i have made it SO FAR; farther than i sometimes thought possible.  i’m not going to roll over and give up now.  i have life to live, for as long as God sees fit to bless me with it, and dog-gone-it, i’m not wasting anymore of it!  Though the last 8 months have been stressful and scary, they have been wonderful and enjoyable too.

i have LIFE again.

The anti-hubby can KISS MY ASS.