Nervous, court again

ANOTHER, UTI, isn’t life fun?

But i’m hanging in there, taking my medicine, sleeping a lot, and generally getting well as fast as i can manage.  i’m seeing a D.O. the end of this month, so maybe i can get some good answers as to why all the infections in the first place.

It’s back to divorce court again, the end of this week, and of course, i am scared and nervous as hell….but it’s the second-to-the-last hurdle, and once i’ve made it, there will only be one more to go before i am officially and totally free.  Thank God.  i want to hide under the bed, and my stomach is in unhappy knots, but i will do this, and somehow get through it, and then i can come home, and rest, and get back to my own life for another month.  Just got to try to think happy thoughts.

i got another kitty ear hat and paws commission, and it’s ready to go to it’s new loving home, which makes me really happy.  i also am nearly done with a faux fur commissioned ear and tail set for a local girl, and i sold another cuddle mouse from Kitten’s store on-line!  AND, i need to finish up some more mice for her to pick up and use in her booth at the convention she is going to this weekend!  i’m excited, but i feel like time should slow down some and give me a chance to get everything done.  On top of all this, i still need to make sure my court clothes are ready, and that i have all my paperwork and numbers ready to go, so i can present it to my lawyer and discuss it before we walk into the hearing…SO much to do.

But i got to ride a motorcycle on the highway the other day! i went for a walk in a beautiful cemetery with Wolf, and i’ve gotten the hang of balancing my checkbook and basic on-line banking.  i’ve been shopping on my own, (went to a book store..but it’s a good step) and despite the ups and downs and the UTI, i’m still having some really good days sometimes.

i hope to have more good days soon.  🙂

But now, i have to go and get shit DONE!




i guess it serves me right for talking about how nice the days have been for me lately, even with the mounting stress and fear i feel over the next impending court date.  i must have jinxed myself, because today was just a shitty day, capped off by and even shittier night.

Just a shitty, shitty day, damnit.


Good Days

Time just seems to be flying lately, and i keep so busy that i have to remind myself to find time to post.  Frankly, i need to remember to do it, just so i’ll have an outlet, if nothing else.

The anti-hubby shocked me silly and paid again this month; i am glad, because i have bill collectors practically knocking down my doors and i need that stupid money to catch up and get things settled…but i HATE needing anything from him..even the spousal support.  BUT, for now, i do, and i’m dealing with it.  I’d be happier that he paid, if it wasn’t for the fact that i think he paid again just because we go to court later this month, and i think he figures it will make him look better if he pays now…and then he’ll stop paying again after the court stuff is done.  But i’ll cross that bridge if i come to it, i guess; at least he’s paying at the moment.  That’s a good thing, and gives me a little room to breathe.

i had trouble with illness through part of July, but so far this month has mostly been good days…and i am REALLY happy about it.  i’ve gotten a custom kitty hat and paws finished, got a custom ear-and-tail order that i’m 3/4 of the way finished with, my walls are finally getting the homey-touches hung up where i want them, (thanks to help from people i love…some of that shit is HEAVY!) and i may even be starting to get a handle on my laundry…maybe.  And even though i could PUNCH the vet for how badly i think they treated both myself and my dog, i still managed to get her in and get her seen, and all her vaccinations and tests are now up to date…which is a very good thing.

Wolf took me out for a real “outside” date this weekend, and it was so funny, i didn’t even realize it was a “date” until afterward!  🙂  We just have fun together so naturally, i haven’t needed the typical date-stuff much.  But it was really nice; i can’t believe i was actually able to go OUT like we did, but i went, and it was fun!  We went to a local dance club that he and his friends like, and i was scared at first, but there were so many other people just having a good time and not caring if they looked silly or good or anything..they just were having fun, and it helped me feel better.  Wolf even got me to dance, which i never, ever really do, (i’m not a great club dancer)  But i RELAXED!!!  (at least somewhat) i was careful to stop when i felt winded and dizzy, so i wouldn’t get too worn out or burn up too many calories, but it really was just plain FUN for me.  (by the way, i weigh 90 pounds now, and i’m hoping to keep it up!)  Wolf doesn’t seem to sweat it too much, what people might or might not think about him, and that helps me worry less about it too.  It’s a nice change from what i was used to with the anti-hubby…he was ALWAYS wanting people to think he was “cool”, which mostly ended up making me want to slap him all the time.

Yep, Wolf is a nice change all the way around.  🙂

Of course, life on my own is a nice change all the way around too…scary and financially crazy, but still a vast improvement over what my life was just 6 months ago.

i’m nervous about the up-coming court date…i’m really, REALLY nervous…but however scary it all seems to me, with every passing month i feel a little stronger in my heart, and a little more myself over all.  Piece by piece and bit by tiny bit, i am finding myself again…who i was and who i am and who i want to be.  And i have HOPE.  i have JOY.  And i have soft, furry things to cuddle….what more could a kitty ask for?  (stability, maybe??  Naaahhh.)

Wolf took me to the mall one night not long ago, (i haven’t been to a mall in probably about 8 years) and i definitely still don’t like malls much…too many people and things in one smallish space, and too much of an overload.  But i have to admit that it’s a fun thing to do every once in a great while.  🙂  i was STUNNED to discover that the 80’s seemed to have exploded all over everything!!!  There were even jelly bracelets and rings like i remember wearing as a kid…thank heaven i didn’t see any jams-shorts anywhere though…i might have run screaming.  There were lots of fun things about the 80’s…jams were NOT one of them.  🙂

The joy of my mall visit though, had to be my discovery that someone has decided that animal print, specifically spotted-CAT print, is “in style” now.  When i wasn’t busy suffering from major social overload, i was drooling over all the pretty, and often fuzzy or FURRY, kitty-print!!  It was everywhere!  And i spent actual money on myself, (which i don’t do real often, since i have to make every penny count) and brought home a unique kind of faux-fur kitty hat/scarf/paws thing that i’d never seen one like before.  i LOVE the thing, and look forward to wearing it in the cold weather, (for now i just cuddle it a lot) but it’s also a good inspirations piece for making something similar of my own to sell with my other kitty it was a happy investment all around.  🙂

i’m sleeping better hours again now, and i’d like to keep myself on this schedule for as long as my body will let me, so i have to watch the time.  Which means, i have to get my butt off here for tonight.  But it has been good…i have had some truly good days, and i am very, very grateful for it.


Tired of stress and illness

There are some really good things that have happened in my life, at the moment, and i’m SO grateful for those things, but i’m still more stressed than i should be and so tired of the near-constant illness of one sort or another, that i want to beat my head against the wall sometimes.  Granted, i use to be much sicker, every minute of everyday, and i am thankful that i am gradually getting stronger and healthier in general…i’m just frustrated and stressed and scared about how LONG it is all taking.  It’s taking forever to gain weight and keep it on, and it’s taking what feels like eons to get my life straightened out into some semblance of livable order.  The continual struggle just to pay bills and deal with my fears and physical craptasticness is wearing me down to a nub.

i am SO tired.

The ant-hubby finally paid some of what he owes in current spousal support, and it’s going to keep paying bills for the next two months, (thank God!) but the fact that he went so long without paying, and then paid in a lump sum stands a frightening chance of screwing up my foodstamps now..and since that’s the only way i can dependably afford to eat…it’s a legitimate worry that weighs on my mind.

That man is determined to make this as hard on me as he can.

It’s working.

i got my happy ass OUT, and took my dog and went to see a Harry Potter double feature at the local drive in, so i got to see the last movie on the night of it’s first release here in my area.  i have NEVER gone to a movie alone, (even with my dog) so it was a big step for me, and despite coming home with a monster migraine afterwards, i had a GREAT TIME!  🙂  i’m proud i did it, and extremely glad i went.  i even talked to a stranger in the line for the bathroom; something i haven’t been brave enough to do in ages…and everyone i encountered was really nice and pleasant.  We were all just there to have the last big hurrah for the Potter story, and to enjoy ourselves.  i wish i hadn’t gotten the headache at the end, but the overall experience was worth the pain.

But sick does feel like my middle name, lately.  And i’m having a hard time with it.  i can’t get rid of this damn cold, and now i seem to have what may or may not be a stomach bug on top of it.  *sigh*  i swear, if i could see these viruses and get hold of them, i would cheerfully beat them into a PULP.  My eyes are still nearly as bad as they were just after the weekend of the 4th, and i’m getting desperate to see an eye doctor and find out exactly what the problem is.

Though i think i already know what the problem is…and i’m mostly less than happy about it.

And poor Wolf, he was so sick yesterday, last night, and this morning, that he was white as a sheet and clammy to the touch.  But he went in to work early, anyway, and refuses to tell anyone he was ill.  (he’s feeling mostly better tonight)  Now his friends seem upset with him over the perceived slight of him not being there this morning when they needed him,  but damnit, he really WAS sick, and i wouldn’t have woken him once he finally got to sleep, for anything short of the end of the world.  He needed to sleep to be well enough for work.  And what’s making me nuts, is that i know his friends would understand if they just knew how sick he had actually been, and that he wasn’t blowing anybody off..but he flatly refuses to TELL anybody…insisting it would just sound like an excuse.

*puts ears back and lashes tail*  And this ONE trait among him and his friends is beginning to make me want to sink my teeth into all of them and start tearing out hunks of flesh.  *growls under breath*  NONE OF THEM ACTUALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!  They don’t talk about things when something’s wrong or someone’s hurt or pissed off…they don’t discuss or work things out much…and they don’t seem to be too great at giving each other the benefit of the doubt,  much of the time.  They obviously all love each other, and would do just about anything for one another…anything except TALK, and work out disagreements like adults.  (yes, i said it..and i’m sure i’ll pay for it, somewhere down the line)  But HOLY SHIT THIS IS SILLY!!

They are acting like, stubborn, judgmental, non-communicative, self-righteous, old MEN!!!  And i want to scratch at them all and hiss in their faces, because of the sheer frustration of not being able to FIX the situation.  Men are just ridiculous (in my opinion) about their misplaced pride and their inability to communicate..especially with one another.  i’m sure they will be fine, and after brooding and ignoring each other for awhile, they will act like nothing happened and forgive one another.  Great.  Good.

But why does there have to be a problem in the first place?  Why can’t they just TALK, and understand one another?  Why are men so DIFFICULT!?  *grrrrr*

And he really WAS sick.  And damnit, treating it like it’s some sort of shame on his part pisses me off.

*curls up in a ball and starts clawing quietly at the bedcovers*

Just call me “moody-defensive-kitty” tonight.  i want to defend Wolf and i want to smack him too.  Why can’t men just communicate?  If he would just admit he was sick, if he would have just told them…or if they would have just thought to ASK, instead of assuming Wolf just didn’t give a shit…..but NOOooooo….not men..not big, tough, males.  They have to be all silent and broody and not show weakness.

Bah!  *starts licking backs of paws*  It ruffles my fur the wrong way.  And i am too sick myself to do anything about it but bitch and moan.  (which is probably good, because none of this is really my business, anyway)  But dog-gone-it…*flexes claws slowly*…i want to defend Wolf.  He really was sick.  i was the one who watched him spike a fever while he slept and then sweat it out in record time.  i was there.  i want to attack anyone who doubts him.  But if he won’t TELL anyone, how can i blame them for not-knowing?

*sighs and settles head on paws*  Men.  Sometimes they are a mystery i love trying to solve….and sometimes i just want to rip them apart and see if they are tasty with ketchup.  Ugh.

i hope Wolf is better tonight, poor guy.

While i’m at it; i hope i get better soon too.


Family 4th and sick

i got to go see my family for the 4th holiday, partially thanks to Wolf’s and his friends efforts.  i’m still not strong enough mentally and physically to make the drive alone, (it’s a long drive) so Wolf and his friends moved work hours around so he could go with me.  i didn’t do so well with the driving, it took me half of forever to get there and to get back, but i DID it.  And that’s a good step in the right direction.  And except for one bad episode with my sister, i had a really, really good time!  i even bit the bullet and went fishing with my dad and Wolf, and i not only became an accomplished worm-stabber, without crying or freaking out (poor little buggars) but i actually caught two fish!!!

And we threw all the fish we caught back, this time…i have not yet made it to the “kill something and eat it” stage….not ready for that yet, but feel like i am making good progress, and i’m proud of that.  i’m eating cheese/dairy daily now, and i was even able to eat some “normal” food at the 4th reunion, so i’m happy with that progress too.

AND, i got to see my childhood friend and his family too, and he’s always been like my little brother, so that was a treat that touched my heart more than i can say.  It was worth the exhaustion and the gas money and all the effort, to actually get out there to see everyone had been much, much too long.

Unfortunately, the whole 3-day extravaganza wore me out until i feel as thin and transparent as typing paper.  When i got home, i slept 12 hours straight, and have been sleeping 12 hours at a time each night/day since.  i came down with a nasty sore-throat/cold as soon as i woke up the first day back, and i’ve been down with it like i’ve been hit by the yucky-truck.  i’m irritable, bored, sick, and frustrated that i’m too ill to get anything done.

But it’s par for the course for me; i expend that much energy, and i pay for it in illness and major recoup-time.  i hope someday it won’t be that way, but for now, it’s just life.

And honestly, it feels like it was worth the price.  🙂

i saw family.  i saw fireworks and fireflies on the grounds where my old gradeschool used to be.  i saw Wolf accepted as someone i care about, and saw myself finally treated more like an adult human-being, and with something approaching respect, as well as love, by most of my family.  And no one asked me questions i couldn’t bear to think about or answer.

i even slept while i was there.

There were oddities that i am still struggling with, and i admit, i HATE being sick….but it was worth it.

i DO need stronger sunglasses, though.  Ugh.



If the anti-hubby does not start paying soon, not only will i kick, scream, and be desperately poor (more so than now, even) and worry myself half-sick, (which i’m already doing)  But i think i will have a seriously hard time not wishing very nasty thing to happen to him.

Visualize 10 tons of horse manure falling from the sky, directly onto his head.

Oh yes..manure can be a beautiful thing.

(i am so worried and pissed off)



Good Day

i had an unbelievably nice morning/afternoon with Wolf, and lost all track of time completely.  It felt so good to just relax that i don’t have words for it; especially since the last 2 or 3 days i’ve been tense and feeling crappy.  Today was much better; today was a good day.  🙂

Hematite came over and read the latest draft of her novel, (she and a friend are writing it jointly, and i am really impressed with how GOOD it is!) to me for about 3 hours…i enjoyed the time so much; i love being read to, and she’s so enthusiastic to have someone to read to, that she can keep it up for longer than anyone i know.  i’m amazed she still had a voice by the time she left!  But it was so great to see her; it was spur of the moment (as are most things with me) and i made myself keep up the relaxing idea while she was here.  i ate, i listened, i laughed a lot, (there are some great one-liners in there) and i trimmed and painted my nails bright pink, even putting little nail designs on them.  (little white heart skull-and-cross-bones)  It was so good to just have time to hang out, and i miss doing that with my was just plain NICE.

And when she left, although it was after 1 a.m., i suddenly felt the need to GET SOMETHING DONE, so i washed and hung a load of laundry, sorted a second load of laundry, changed the sheets and bedding completely, (even the bedspread and pillow shams are getting a good wash in the next day or two!) took care of the animals and got myself ready for bed.

Now, i’m cuddling down into the soft, clean sheets, and thinking of food before sleep.  i’m looking forward to tomorrow.  It was just a really nice, awfully good day.  *happy sigh*


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