Excuse the Technical Difficulties

My computer just totally went down for about a month,  so a lot has happened since i wrote here last.  For one thing, i am totally and legally DIVORCED!!!  🙂  The problems with the lawyer got straightened out, and he really came through for me.  i’m so glad it’s all over…there are no words for the relief i feel.  i’m still struggling financially, and have no insurance at the moment, but there are some really hopeful things in the wind with SSI, that might help with that soon.  *crosses paws*

The court date went well; i had friends with me, and for once, the excitement and relief i was feeling overpowered the fear.  The anti-hubby is now my ex for good, and though we did not speak or get near one another, he did take the time to put all my old photos on a disc and return them to me through my lawyer.  That was a final kindness on his part that made me glad i’d gotten together a little shoe-box of things i thought he might want back and return them through his lawyer.  That day, i did not feel sorry for him.  Though he looked bad, and as though he was having his own rough time, i felt mostly nerves, relief, and triumph that i had come this far, stuck with it, and gotten my freedom at last.

In the weeks since, i have found the capacity within myself to sometimes feel sad for him…to hope that he is facing his real demons and making life better for himself and those close to him.  Once or twice, i have even felt for a second, like if he doesn’t do anymore to hurt or trouble me, i could probably forgive him in the long run…which i find myself surprised but happy to feel.  (even for a second)  i’m not ready to forgive him now…but i don’t like being an angry or hateful person, and it’s a relief to me to know that someday i won’t need to hold on to the anger or the hurt.  Someday i might be able to forgive him completely and let the bitterness go.  That would be good.

Sometime…but not right now.  🙂

Now is for just living in my own skin and getting used to the feeling of relief and joy and possibility.  Now is for continuing to see how i like living on my own, (it’s been about a year now, can you believe it!?!) and getting to know myself, my wants, and my needs…and even my likes, better.

At this point, i’m finally free to say and do what i want without fear it will be somehow used against me in court to make me look bad…and that leaves me thinking about where i want to go with this blog and this site.  Where did i want it to go to begin with?  Can i write about kitty-play, BDSM, and Therian-related things in a public forum?  Am i brave enough to do that?  Do i still want to?  Or do i want to make this blog solely about my kitty-business and the costuming and gear i love to make?

Where do i want to go from here, now that the sky is the limit?

That is the question, isn’t it?  🙂

Sleep Tight,

kitty

Hard…

Tonight is just…hard.

i’ve been doing Ok since the last court date, despite all the uncertainty and serious lack of answers for the coming court date.  (the last one, thank God)  i’ve even been out on the motorcycle more with Wolf, and it’s been great…i’m getting more comfortable, i think, each time, and the fact that he understands how i love to ride, regardless of my fears, is a real joy to me.  It’s nice to know you don’t have to explain your passion for something once in awhile…it’s nice that he just “gets” it.  🙂  i found a perfect little leather jacket for me, at a local second hand store, and it fits so well and is so comfortable that i’m in love with the thing.  i hand-scrubbed it with a soft cloth and soap and water, rubbed it dry, and then lathered and buffed it with the old bottle of leather lotion i’ve kept around for years for my shoes and toys.  It helped clean it up so much!  i’m so happy about that; it’s alsways nice to find ways to get things clean that don’t include spending more money.  (especially since i am broke)  We tested the jacket (because i originally got it for riding, but now i’ll probably wear it a lot of the time in general) on the highway, and THAT was an experience!  i’d been on the highway before, but we rode at speeds between 55 and 65, and while it was a rush and a challenge for my neck, it was also really nice because i could still look around and see and enjoy my surroundings.  Well, Wolf decided to try me out at faster speeds, and i had no idea why the ride was different, because i couldn’t move my head enough to see the speedometer, but i figured we had to be going faster than normal because i couldn’t move my head around without major discomfort.  (i had to keep my head right behind his, to not be knocked around by the wind)  And sure enough, when we came home from the ride and i stumbled in a giddy stupor off the back of the bike, he told me that we had been up at 100 miles an hour on the highway.  i was more than a little stunned, and strangely happy…i’ve never even gone that fast in a car!  And he kept marveling at the way he said i “din’t flinch”, which really made me feel good at heart.  i fear so many things in life..it’s hard to explain why the fear i feel at times on a bike doesn’t usually faze me…or even the oddity that there are times on a bike where i actually feel no fear at all…even when i probably should.  There just is not explaining that.

But Wolf understands it, and he really does see that there is iron in me, despite the obvious outside layers of fear and weakness…and i cherish that in ways i simply don’t have words for.  And though i don’t want to go at speeds so fast very often, i truly do cherish the memory of that ride as well….the rush…the trust…the giving myself over to whatever was going to happen…and the fact that i DID it.

i have lost or given up so many things in the time i spent with the anti-hubby, and to not only have my life-long dream of riding back, but to be DOING it…and to be moving slowly closer to maybe one day riding on my own as well….that is a miracle i treasure!  🙂

But tonight is hard.

It is filling up with the worry and stress of the coming days and weeks, as things come down to the wire with SSI, spousal support, and the final days of my divorce.  Things feel dangerously close to a rolling cluster-fuck in my world, as i try to get my ducks in some sort of row before the last court appearance..the one that decides what i will get; what i will live on, and FINALLY officializes this divorce once and for all.  SSI gave me money, but did so without making any actual determination as to my status or case, and now they want the money back, because of the confusing and erratic way the anti-hubby has been paying..and not paying my spousal support.  (luckily, i anticipated this, and haven’t spent a dime of the SSI money, but i am totally broke without it, if Mr. Crazy Pants doesn’t pay this month)  Then i got legal paperwork in the mail telling me i needed to provide documentation to my lawyer and the court before the 10-15, but the center pages were MISSING, so i have no idea WHAT papers i’m supposed to supply!

This month, starting this week, is going to be filled with so much bullshit, and the cramming of so many last-minute things into my last month with insurance, that i litterally vibrate with the stress and fear it is all bringing up in me.  There’s the vet for the dog, multiple dental visits for me, SSI appointments to make and papers to straighten out, and Lawyer appointments to make and paperwork and all to straighten out there as well.  And somewhere in all the back and forth, i have to verify EXACTLY how long the insurance will cover me and when it will end, and also get my ass out to Job and Family Services again, to re-apply for health insurance through them.

It is, i hope, the last month i will have to endure with such complete uncertainty as to how i will live, and what i can expect in the future in the basics of food, clothing, shelter and medical needs….i hope the end of this month will see the beginning of real and manageable stability for me….but it is going to be a hard last step to take.  A hard and confusing jungle of details i will have to slog through, and i feel the weight of it pressing down on me.

i will hang in there.  i will continue to make goals a day at a time, and keep working at meeting those goals.  i will distract myself as best i can with good and happy things tonight…and any night i reasonably can..and i WILL persevere.  i am nearing the end of that road i barely dared believe i could take…it is almost officially over and the law will finally reflect what my heart has felt for a long, long time.  i will be free of him.  i will find my way, with help, with friends, with love…but NOT with HIM..not ever again.

For that…i will endure this hardest month, and maybe i will get very lucky and find that it will not be so hard at all.

i have made it SO FAR; farther than i sometimes thought possible.  i’m not going to roll over and give up now.  i have life to live, for as long as God sees fit to bless me with it, and dog-gone-it, i’m not wasting anymore of it!  Though the last 8 months have been stressful and scary, they have been wonderful and enjoyable too.

i have LIFE again.

The anti-hubby can KISS MY ASS.

Kat

Look at me being social! :)

i went to a wedding yesterday…and i even stayed for the whole reception!  🙂  It was a big step for me, considering i was mostly surrounded by relative strangers.  i had fun getting to know people, and i was surprised, yet again, at my ability to judge people sometimes without giving them a chance.  It disturbs me that i do that, and i’m glad that i at least can catch myself at it and make myself let it go.  People are often good people, if you just give them a chance; it doesn’t mean you have to hand them the emotional weapons to come back and hurt you with…but you CAN give them a chance to be your friend.  And i know i hate and fear being judged by others…so why should i let myself get away with being the judge myself?

So, i had fun, and i even ATE while i was there!  (another big deal)  i didn’t get to make it to the after-party though, unfortunately, (i really wanted to go) because i was SO tired after spending the whole day out that i fell asleep pretty early.  (for me)  Oddly, i’ve been waking up early the last several mornings too,  which will make it much easier to make to my court date the end of this week, so it’s probably good i’m sort of maintaining those hours.  (but i was bummed not to get to go to the party)

Believe it or not, i wore a dress and heels!  🙂  (i was so self-consious about it..it’s been a long time since i’ve dressed up..but it was fun too!)

Today, i finally removed the fake nails, and spent a nice, leisurely, time repairing the damage the adhesive had left behind, and pushing back my cuticles, trimming and shaping the nails to a new, more squar-ish shape, and buffing the hell out of each nail over and over again.  It was oddly satisfying to do it, too.  And frankly, i LOVE the whole fake nail thing, and i plan to go on using them as often as i can, but i also like my natural nails, and polish as well, and i want to keep my nails fairly healthy, so i think i’ll go back and forth between the natural and fake, so that my nails get a break from the adhesive on a regular basis.  (and it’s just fun to do different things with my nails..it gives me a glee and girly-joy i had forgotten i even had in me!)  i’m not supposed to do or wear anything flashy for court at the end of the week, so i’ll probably paint them in a natural or light polish in a day or two, and see if that will hold up until Friday.  After that, i can have more fun with fakery again!  (i’m so glad my friend showed me about easy, fake nails, they are SO much nicer than i thought they would be!! And so much fun!!)  🙂

Today is a mystery to me…i have no idea if i will do chores, be creative and work on kitty-stuff, or just plain take the day off.  i’m just not sure.

i know there is a HUGE package of papers from my lawyer, that i found in my box last night..i haven’t had the heart to open it yet, i’ve been feeling so happy the last two days..i don’t want to open up that Pandora’s box before i have to.  But i know i will have to look at it all soon, probably tonight sometime.  *sigh*

That part of my life will be over soon, and i will get through it.  It will be OK somehow…it will.  i have to believe that.

And besides, i WANT to do this!  i wouldn’t go back to him if he were the last man on earth and the salvation of the species depended on it.  i want him out of my life and out of my head.  i just wish the process of doing that didn’t scare me so badly.  i wish HE didn’t scare me so badly.

But one day, he won’t…one day, i will simply not be afraid of him anymore.  He will lose his power over me.

May that day come soon…and gently.

Katnip

Calgon, take me away!

i should feel accomplished…i did so good yesterday.  i made it to the doctor, long drive and all, and got all the exams and paperwork taken care of, which moves me another big step closer to medicaid and SSI..or D..or whatever it is.  i had a good time driving, (even though i had very little sleep) because my car was all kitty-fied, and because i finally got out the face-plate for the stereo my friend gave me with the car..and i SANG and oooed and ahhhd at the wonderful, amazing sound, the whole drive up and back.  i even was able to drive out and visit Wolf at work for a little bit afterward, and it was a pleasant and relaxing end to a slightly hectic day.

But i came home and collapsed.  i’m just so freaking TIRED.  Not getting enough rest no matter what i do.  It’s just been the past week or two, i guess, but i can’t seem to shake this problem…i just can’t rest, and it seems like it’s because i can’t relax.  i’ve been so tense that i actually didn’t realize that i was tense..if you can follow that.  The money fears, the divorce stress, the constant need to go..go..go, fill out this paperwork, deal with that bill, meet some new people, endless phone-calls to one agency or another to try and get bills and aid and legal-stuff straightened out, and the never-ending piles of laundry and dishes and BOXESBOXESBOXES!

i think it might be getting to me for real now.

i should feel accomplished.  i should.  i made it to the doctor and got oodles of good paperwork taken care of as well.  i got food stamps, finally.  (still thrilled about that)  Today, i spoke to my lawyers office and found out that the court has awarded me pre-spousal support that pretty much is the cost of my rent each month…i have no idea if the ex will PAY, but it’s still a HUGE step in the right direction…and i was even told that if he doesn’t gum up the works, we may be able to get a court date set soon..so i am closer to getting this divorce than i was daring to hope for.  (if he doesn’t do anything stupid)

But i don’t feel accomplished, i feel desperately tired and wired with this incredible restless anxiety that won’t let me go and won’t let me settle to anything peaceful and quiet.  With only 3 hours of sleep today, (on top of very little sleep each day for a week or more now) i just started tearing through boxes and working like a crazed chipmunk in high gear.  i got into my storage area and organized what i could, (it’s mildly flooded from the rain) and i unpacked all the boxes in the living-room that i could manage, (when i started falling down, shaking, and banging my head into things a lot..i decided i needed to quit with the boxes for awhile)  for some reason, i even thought it was a good idea to tear apart half the living-room and do it over again…i’m closer to liking the results, and i finally got at least one nice picture up on the walls out there…and Hematite’s hubby even brought me over a little diningroom table!  Yes, there are STILL more boxes, far too many boxes, to be gone through, and after that, disastrous closets to ransack and organize, but this little place looking more and more like a home and i should feel ACCOMPLISHED!  i should feel satisfied, even.

i got awarded pre-spousal support, for Pete’s sake!!  i was barely daring to hope for such a thing..i should feel…SOMETHING.

But i don’t feel anything but exhausted, wired in an unhealthy OCD kind of way, and desperate to convince my body and mind to just LET IT ALL GO, and freaking RELAX.  SLEEEEEEEEeeeeeppppp.

Things really are looking up, they are.  i just don’t think it’s hit me yet.  i hope i can find a way to really relax tonight, at least enough to get myself to sleep all night.  It reminds me of those old house-wife commercials about Calgon bubble bath, when i was a kid…”Calgon, TAKE ME AWAY!!”…oh yeah…i’m feeling that old commercial about now.

i want bubbles, and i want sleep…real sleep.

Tomorrow is another day.  Maybe i will find less stress in it.

Katnip

Money is a scary thing.

Or, the lack thereof, is.

i made it to the BMV, like i had planned, and i got my plates and registration all happy and caught up and legal.  And since then, i’ve done yet more laundry, (i’m still drowning in laundry and boxes and dishes…it seems never-ending right now) and dishes, and gotten groceries, AND had some serious rough-kitty-time…and it’s all been great and it all makes me feel like i am achieving things.  (and i am)  Today i even got my car insurance straightened out, and a couple of my hospital bills, (for the moment) and spoke to my lawyers office about the ex attempting to drop me from his insurance in retaliation against me, and was told that was illegal until the divorce goes through, and so i called human resources at his job and got that straightened out too…so i should at least have insurance for prescriptions until the divorce is final.

i bought cheap bubble bath and clear nail polish top coat, and i soaked and girlified and painted last night until i was silly with it.  And it was wonderful, and it helped a lot last night.  But today, yet ANOTHER big bill came in the mail, and it just makes me want to cry.  i am at the end of the end of my funds.  i spent the last of my grocery money yesterday, and i wasn’t able to get everything i needed.  (but i am OK for food right now) i had to scour every last nook and cranny to come up with the money for my prescriptions today, and i have a doctor’s appointment that i really need to get to on Thursday, and i have no idea if i will be able to pay for it or not.

Every penny i could wring or wrangle out of my ex and my life before i left, i took and i used as wisely as i could.  i have had money through the extreme kindness of friends and my parents, and even some food and gas help from Wolf now and then.  i have stretched every last dime as far as i could manage, and i have survived for two months or so before it finally petered out.  i have utilities for this month and the next, set aside, but that’s about it now.  No rent, (i will have to depend on the court or my father to help me there now…humiliating, but true) and no groceries, (will have to use food pantries, and pray for food stamps to finally happen, or i am screwed) and nothing else really either.  i had to ask my dad for help again today, and i hate doing it.  i know he is willing and he will help as much as he can, but i also know they are tight themselves and it scares both him and me, how much they will have to tighten their belts to help keep me afloat during this process.

If the ex has been trying to depress and humiliate me by forcing me to live on charity and whatever aid i can get through shit loads of paperwork…then he is succeeding.  It IS awful and painful and scary and depressing, and it is making me worry almost more about my parents than about myself, with all the stress it is putting on them that they are trying to keep me from seeing.  So yes, he has made me crawl and beg and i am definitely not liking it…but he is only proving ONE thing, over and over, with his actions…he’s proving what a gigantic selfish ass-hole he is, and he’s proving it where anyone and everyone can see.  He has more than enough money to continue paying the hospital bills and even to do spousal support on a small scale for me, but he is refusing…just because he is an ASS.  i knew it was all about money for him, and he is proving it hard-core..and he seems to think that makes him a big man…a smart and savvy man who is getting his manhood back.

All it makes him is an idiot with his head so far up his own ass that he can’t see past his nose for all the shit.

He can make me scared and he can make me hurt, but only from a distance…and one day, he won’t even be able to do that anymore.  i left him for the freedom.  i left him to save my own life.  i left him because i finally admitted to myself how selfish and cruel he really was behind his nice fake exterior, and i finally understood that it wasn’t my fault or my doing.

No one is perfect, but even i did not deserve what he dished out.

And this freedom is hard won, and it is fragile in some of the most basic ways..which is terrifying.  But i will NOT give up.  i refuse.  It may be a long, hard, haul, and lots of things may be totally out of my control, but i can still smile and laugh and enjoy so much of my life…even frighteningly dirt poor, i can have more love and laughter and joy in my life than i ever had with the ex.  i will hold on to that.  And he will never get what he truly wants.  He will never get me to give up.  He will never get to hear me apologize and absolve him of wrongdoing, saying it was my fault or that it was understandable.  Never, ever again, if i have anything to say about it.

He will never get me to roll over and die because life without him is too hard.

Fuck you, you amazing ass-hole.  Money is scary, but it is not everything.  Scramble into your hole and pull your paychecks in behind you; it will never fix what is wrong in your soul, and it will never warm your heart or fill the long, dark nights.

Life without you is a joy.

 

Kat

Divorce, not dissolution….

Today i officially got a lawyer, signed my paperwork, and filed for Divorce.

That may not seem like a big sentence, or a big shock, but somehow it is.  The ex was determined and adamant all along that we MUST get a dissolutionment and not a divorce, and all along, i agreed…just wanting things to be a safe and peaceable as possible under the circumstances.

i still want that.

But when i saw the lawyer from the Volunteer Lawyer Project today, i was told that they will only represent me for free if i pursue actual divorce, NOT dissolution.  This was because they give so much time to so many divorce cases, and one party or the other can suddenly refuse dissolution, wasting time for the lawyers, but a divorce will happen, even if the party served for divorce refuses to show up…so…i had to agree to divorce, or have no lawyer.

i knew the ex would be angry, and paranoid, and sure i was out to get him, so i even went out of my way to call and tell him what was going on before i signed the papers….but he was still angry and paranoid, and now insists he’s going to get his own lawyer too.  (it’s amazing how he “doesn’t have any money” until i actual get my own lawyer….and now he can find enough to afford his own; which he swore he couldn’t do)   And i have to admit, lawyers make me nervous in general, and i do have fears that this guy will go nuts and ask for things from the judge that i never asked for or wanted.

It has never been my intention to screw my ex over or mess up his chances at a good future life…it still isn’t.

But i have to admit, deep down, i feel a little better inside, knowing that i am pursuing an actual divorce, and that it will take a little of the control out of his hands, and put just a fraction of it in mine.  It bothered me, that i had to do EVEN THE DISSOLUTION OF OUR MARRIAGE in his way, and according to his rules, or i had to fear his reaction and the consequences.  i still fear that, but somehow, some part of me thinks…or hopes..it’s worth the chance.  i just want to do SOMETHING to end this on my terms, or on equal terms, for once.

i hope this lawyer was telling me the truth, and doesn’t get me screwed over for agreeing to this.  But he truly did seem to want to do this for ME, and to have my best interests at heart…and he has no reason to lie, as he makes no money at all of the case…he represents me, and other abused women like me, completely for free.

He seems to want to make a positive difference in the world, one abusive husband at a time.

i guess we’ll see how that works out, huh?

 

As for my feelings….they are all over the charts.  At first, i was scared..terrified of what he would do, what a judge would decide, what would happen if i agreed to file divorce papers.  Then, after i realized i really had no choice and went through with it…i felt elated….RELIEF…and guilt, that i felt so happy that i was in tears at the thought of finally being free and clear of this abusive cycle and this man.  i rode on the bizarre ecstatic wave of freedom, and used it to fuel me through errands i had to run at the local women’s shelter and the local abuse recovery center for women.  Despite my exhaustion, i finally met my advocate in person, and she was a wonderful, and extremely helpful woman.  (and very pretty!)

i got lists of free local medical clinics, and potential prescription help, and some canned goods from the food pantry there, and some little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and tiny bars of soap.  (you know you are at the bottom of the barrel, when you are absurdly happy over shampoo and soap you would never normally use)  And i am thanking God for the people who donated those things to help people like me….they even gave me  small gift card to the local grocery!  And the Wolf i’m dating, (yes, i am seeing him, and there will be more about that another time) even put a little gas in my car when i stopped by to tell him i was alive and kicking after the whole ordeal today, and gave me a wonderful black cherry soda with no caffeine, and a hug, and it kept me afloat and got me home with a smile.

And i ate a HUGE meal, watched “The Saint” on my VCR, with my dog and cat, and then i started to shake…

and shake…

and shake.

Just the act of putting on my pajamas nearly made me cry.

Here i am, in all my freedom and extreme poverty…here i am…doing the right thing….here i am, in all my feminine power..i am woman, hear me roar!

Except it sounds more like a squawk….or a whimper.

i don’t miss him, and i don’t want to go back to what was.  But nearly everything i own is tied to him in some way…tied to the dreams i once held so dear, that were shattered so horribly and so slowly over a long period of my life that i can’t get back.

i can’t get any of it back.

And suddenly, tonight, not even my clothes feel like they are mine.

i stand in the middle of a chaos of boxes, and i wonder what it will take for me to ever feel like I am truly MINE again….will i ever not feel contaminated by the trust i had in him?  Will i ever be able to trust anyone, ever again, without knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that it will probably all end horribly at some point, no matter what i do?  Will i ever let go of the young wife i was, and my heartbroken belief in happily ever after?

IS there such a thing, anymore?

i touch my nightgowns, and i want to burn them.  Somehow, every one has become a representation of what i dreamed of and never got…what i offered and was never appreciated for….what i innocently hoped for as happiness as a bride.

i can never, ever, get that back.

And it burns in my heart like a black fire.

i have, and i will, go on with my life, and already there is a surprising amount of joy and wonder in it.  i will laugh, and i will eat, and may eventually even dance and sing…i even went on a motorcycle ride recently!  Unheard-of, for me!  And i felt like a bird, flying on the back of that thing, and i haven’t felt that free, or that joyous in years and years.  That was a gift and  miracle all by itself.  (Thank you, Wolf)

But the naive and hopeful bride i once was, is gone.  The hope i once had in happily ever after, is almost dead; beaten to death by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and i don’t know if there is any way to revive it….to even remember what it felt like.  He murdered that part of me…my innocence…he beat her to death and i sat and watched him do it.

And i don’t know if i can ever really forgive myself or HIM for that.

And, in the end, deep down, maybe that is really why i agreed to file for divorce and not dissolution.  There has to be a price for that small death.  There has to be a price for what he took from me.  Even if all it will ever be, is to make him stand up in a court of law and simply agree out loud, in public, to end this finally, and to pay a lawyer’s fee…then fine.  But at least it will be on my terms, and not his….it is a teeny-tiny pound of flesh…

But there has to be a price.

 

Kat

 

 

Protect the Property

This whole past week seems to have just been a walk through one version of hell or another.  Granted, it could have been worse, and it isn’t, and i am ENORMOUSLY thankful, but it still has been very, very hard.  (and i’m not even going into the green snot that won’t stop, the period of perpetual emotion, and my desire to come up with some sort of RAID product to kill all viral bugs DEAD! Ugh.)

Aside from being disgustingly sick with a flu that hangs on and just won’t let go, the emotional fall-out from the anti-hubby’s over-the-top and beyond-the-pale tantrum last week has just worn me out.  Today is the first day i haven’t been shaking so continuously it felt like i was vibrating.  (in a not-fun kind of way)  Fear of being homeless, of being penniless and unable to support myself has suddenly snuck up and eaten me alive.  This whole week was my unique and interesting struggle to make it Yak me back up again, so i could get on with living.  i have done more crying, and less sleeping, than any woman should ever have to do who isn’t pregnant.  🙂  (pregnancy hormones give everyone a free pass for moodiness!)

But i have friends who care, and are trying to give support when they can, (which helps more than they know…sometimes a kind word and a hug can keep a person from utter despair, seriously) and i am still sticking with the logical plans i have in place to get me out of here safely and as soon as possible.  i just have about 3 emergency plans in place too, in case everything goes to hell in a handbasket.  i am TERRIFIED of not getting the financial and health care aid i need, or of not getting it in time, and being left destitute and shit out of luck…for nothing worse than the crime of being disabled and abused.

And that not only makes me frightened, but it makes me ANGRY.  (hence the entire week of shaking uncontrollably)

And now the anti-hubby has finished his last abuser-recovery class.  That’s right, they let him out!  They gave him his walking papers, and BOY, is he happy about that!  And i have to admit, it turns my stomach to angry knots of intestine-eating acid.  To me, it feels like he is simply getting away with it all…i get to fear for my life, future, and well-being, and he gets a little diploma and a pat on the back for talking about nothing in a class for a few weeks.

And his behavior and abuse haven’t changed.  Grrrrr.

Yet my irritating and ridiculous emotions choose this week to suddenly play me false and mess with my reality by reminding me left and right of the “good times” we once had in this marriage, and how much i once adored him…how much he seemed to love me once.  And i find myself falling into the trap of blaming myself, again and again, becoming confused about how all this happened and why, and HOW on earth we got HERE.

But none of it matters, and i know that.

None of it matters now, except that it has all gone too far, and i HAVE to leave, and it doesn’t matter if my heart is breaking.  It doesn’t matter that i don’t understand the how and the why.  All that matters is the ONE and ONLY good slave rule he ever understood and ever gave me…PROTECT THE PROPERTY…(and by property, he meant me)  In a good moment once, a long time ago, when he was in a moment of understanding that his behavior toward me was not what it should be…back when i was still his slave, i had mentioned that phrase from a book i had read, and he latched onto it and said “YES!..Yes, that is the cardinal rule i want you to follow, no matter what.  Protect the property….even if it means protecting yourself from me.”

And so i pack boxes, and force myself to eat food that i can’t taste beyond the bitterness in my heart, and fill out paperwork i don’t understand, and debase and humiliate myself at every turn in the hope of getting the aid i need from the county or state to at least live and feed myself….because that is what it amounts too.  That is what is at stake now.  My life.

Never mind that i have not been his slave for years.  Never mind that there is almost no love at all left between us to bind us in even the smallest way.  A deeper instinct has risen up and has taken over my motions, my body, my life.  i want to survive.  And so, in this ONE thing, i still obey him….i protect the property…despite all self-destructive notions to the contrary.    i will get out.  i will move on.  i will live.

It will be my last act of obedience to him, and he will never even see it for what it is, or understand the tragedy of it.

It doesn’t matter.

i will protect the property.

 

*Katnip*