Excuse the Technical Difficulties

My computer just totally went down for about a month,  so a lot has happened since i wrote here last.  For one thing, i am totally and legally DIVORCED!!!  🙂  The problems with the lawyer got straightened out, and he really came through for me.  i’m so glad it’s all over…there are no words for the relief i feel.  i’m still struggling financially, and have no insurance at the moment, but there are some really hopeful things in the wind with SSI, that might help with that soon.  *crosses paws*

The court date went well; i had friends with me, and for once, the excitement and relief i was feeling overpowered the fear.  The anti-hubby is now my ex for good, and though we did not speak or get near one another, he did take the time to put all my old photos on a disc and return them to me through my lawyer.  That was a final kindness on his part that made me glad i’d gotten together a little shoe-box of things i thought he might want back and return them through his lawyer.  That day, i did not feel sorry for him.  Though he looked bad, and as though he was having his own rough time, i felt mostly nerves, relief, and triumph that i had come this far, stuck with it, and gotten my freedom at last.

In the weeks since, i have found the capacity within myself to sometimes feel sad for him…to hope that he is facing his real demons and making life better for himself and those close to him.  Once or twice, i have even felt for a second, like if he doesn’t do anymore to hurt or trouble me, i could probably forgive him in the long run…which i find myself surprised but happy to feel.  (even for a second)  i’m not ready to forgive him now…but i don’t like being an angry or hateful person, and it’s a relief to me to know that someday i won’t need to hold on to the anger or the hurt.  Someday i might be able to forgive him completely and let the bitterness go.  That would be good.

Sometime…but not right now.  🙂

Now is for just living in my own skin and getting used to the feeling of relief and joy and possibility.  Now is for continuing to see how i like living on my own, (it’s been about a year now, can you believe it!?!) and getting to know myself, my wants, and my needs…and even my likes, better.

At this point, i’m finally free to say and do what i want without fear it will be somehow used against me in court to make me look bad…and that leaves me thinking about where i want to go with this blog and this site.  Where did i want it to go to begin with?  Can i write about kitty-play, BDSM, and Therian-related things in a public forum?  Am i brave enough to do that?  Do i still want to?  Or do i want to make this blog solely about my kitty-business and the costuming and gear i love to make?

Where do i want to go from here, now that the sky is the limit?

That is the question, isn’t it?  🙂

Sleep Tight,

kitty

New Years Resolution with a Kinky Twist

The migraine toned itself down to a dull roar, and the anti-hubby went out to a party and crashed there, so i had the place to myself and actually RELAXED and had a good time on New Years Eve!  i got a lot achieved during the early part of the day, but by evening i got into the proper spirit of doing nothing but things that i enjoyed.  My dog and kitty and i curled up on the couch and watched fun movies (including Earth Girls Are Easy!) and watched the ball drop, and listened to the neighbors come out at midnight and make all kinds of happy noise.

It was good, and it felt right.  🙂

But for what seems like the better part of the end of December, everybody was talking about their New Years Resolutions, and what they wanted to do or change.  In fact, people had whole lists of things!  And i thought it was great for them, but over and over i was coming up empty.

Maybe that’s because i’m already in the process of making the big change that would have been my resolution, had i thought about it.  (divorce is that, for me)  And it’s true, i did manage to say that i would resolve to spend more time with the friends and family i love…and i mean that from the bottom of my heart…but is it really a NY’s resolution, or was it just what i was already starting to focus on doing more often, regardless of the date?

And today, New Years Day, it finally came to me, in a blinding flash of painful obviousness.

i resolve, in 2011, i WILL find play-partners and lovers and friends, and MAYBE even a real lasting relationship, but i absolutely resolve that there WILL BE KINK IN MY LIFE ON A REGULAR BASIS!  And it will be safe and fun, and i will do it for ME; because it’s about damn time i did something i really wanted to JUST because i wanted to.  i am so ready to play that it’s not just an itch i can’t scratch, it’s near to whiny-ass pain some days!  i want to dress up, or dress down; i want to be spanked, chased, and smacked with a riding crop.  i want to squeal with glee, cry with pain, and whimper with need.  i want cuffs and collars and my hair pulled until my eyes glaze over and my brain goes fuzzy and i can hear seconds stretching to hours.  And i want to be with and talk to people who understand, enjoy, and appreciate my desires and aren’t ashamed of their own.

In short, i want my life to me mine; kinky and wonderful and mine for once.  Even as i submit, when i choose to, it will still be mine.

Oh yes, it WILL be mine!  🙂  (no one makes movies like Wayne’s World anymore..)

As i packed yet another box toward the goal of moving out and moving on, (today it was my faux-furs for kitty gear…i needed to organize it so i could focus anyway) i realized how many friends i have that are into the same or similar things that i’m into, and it finally started to sink in that i am free to play now, with any of them that i trust who will extend that honor to me.

i have spent 10 years never focusing on getting my own needs met or having any fun…and life is too short for more of that.

So, this year, i will try to have more faith….more faith in God, more faith in people, more faith in myself, more faith in life….and i will go out there and get my kink on!!!  🙂

Happy 2011 to you all!

 

*Katnip*